"Trauma Anyone?" Thread Resurrected

[DannyB1954]

I have been a friend of Bill and Bob many years, (some people will know what I mean, for others it is unimportant, forget I mentioned it).

It is difficult to speak not knowing what your traumatic experience is / was. Some of them we had a hand in, others were beyond our control. If we did contribute to the trauma we need to learn how not to make the same choices that helped put us there.

Every decision we make leads us on a path with it's own specific new choices. A simplified example is if you decide to go to Burger King, don't expect to choose to order a Big Mac. That choice is on a different path. A more complex example is had I chose to apply myself and become a Doctor, the choices that I now have would be different than choosing to become a drunkin sailor. Every decision made leads to more choices and decisions. I am the end result of all of my decisions. Both good and bad. What I have come to realize is that when I am under the influence of alcohol I tend to make very bad decisions and those put me on a path I would rather not travel. If you are putting yourself on horrible paths you may want to look at that.

If your trauma came to be without your help, It may be good to spend time in a place that will help you heal easier. For many that is being in nature. We all sincerely wish you the very best. If you need someone to talk to perhaps using the PM feature here with someone that you can confide it would do you well.

 

[DannyB1954]

'People, places and things' refers to the alcoholic's (and probably many people's) tendency to blame their surroundings and others for their current predicament,

Where that phrase comes from, (people places and things), refers to the fact that we have no control over them. We can only change how we react to them. It is us that we need to change, not others. I think what happens with "friends" is they reinforce our own behavior. If I want to drink, I hang out with drinkers, I don't hang out with people that don't like to drink. If someone doesn't want to drink, it is probably a good idea to drop those that do. In the end my drinking buddies were more or less babysitters. We justified and reinforced what each other were doing.

If you don't like the flock of birds that you are a feather of, grow different feathers and fly with a different group. One definition of surrender is to go over to the winning side.

 

[IanC]

I have been a friend of Bill and Bob many years, (some people will know what I mean, for others it is unimportant, forget I mentioned it).

I quit drinking 24 years ago - went to meetings for about 14 of those years. I no longer meet AA's definition of sobriety since I chose to replace pharmaceutical anti-depressants with marijuana, which I use on occasion.  I have also used it for lower back pain instead of taking prescribed pain killers. Yes, when I first stopped I had to change all my patterns, especially since I was a bartender at the time. Today I have no problem being where others are drinking but mostly people getting drunk are just annoying so what's the point?  I no longer identify as an alcoholic any more than someone who quit smoking 24 years ago identifies as a smoker.  I believe my stopping drinking was something of a miracle - going from being a daily falling down drunk, unable to go a day without it to never having a thought of picking up, within an instant - I am not going to throw that miracle away or hope for a second miracle if I pick up again.  So I don't.

I do know that if you believe that simply by changing circumstances you are safe, you are skating on thin ice.  There are liquor stores everywhere you go and not that many events that don't include alcohol.  But, not to make this a sobriety thread, but it is a good metaphor for many problems.  This isn't in relation to the lady who escaped her abusive situation (since I don't know her circumstance) , but there are many people who go from one abusive situation to the next.  Escaping one is only a brief reprieve if you go into another.  Discovering why you keep finding yourself in that situation would be useful.

For myself, my gullibility has lead me into many situations of failure - in business, primarily. The list of situations I've found myself in because of my inability to distinguish would fill a book. I have come to the conclusion that I'm a sap who isn't hard-ass enough for that world and should stay away since the chances of turning that around at my age are unlikely. But it has also left me with a pretty sour outlook on humanity, something I really do want to change and that is partly the reason for this journey - to believe in the good in people again.  So far I have run into nothing but good, generous people on my travels, so perhaps this will have the effect I was looking for.

 

[ArtW]

I've had many different sources of trauma in my life, some of which I had a hand in causing, some I did not
I never chose to live in the projects, but i did choose not to hide in my apartment
I never chose to awaken to a mentally ill mother standing over my bed with a butcher knife, or to have to listen to her arguing with her demons, and I had no choice but to live with her
I never chose to fight, but I never ran away
I never chose to be abused by my partner, but I chose to stay with her when I should have walked away (at least I learned my lesson there)
Of course my own psychology made that less of a choice. but that's to do with previous trauma, and who that made me
We are all affected by different things, in different ways, and standing in a place where you're in danger isn't a good option, but hiding away can cause it's own problems, too, it's all a balancing act, to try to heal, and cope, but if what you're running from is yourself, you can't run fast enough, or hide deep enough in the outback, to get away from you

 

[Queen]

I really love that with some work, and finding our best place in this life, the trauma can recede so far into the background that it ceases to be anything more than an echo.

 

[IanC]

I never chose to awaken to a mentally ill mother standing over my bed with a butcher knife, or to have to listen to her arguing with her demons, and I had no choice but to live with her

Yes, Art, growing up with mental illness and alcoholism will do a number on you and affect how you view the world forever - I can relate. Mine is generational. Each generation F'd up the next. I've done extensive genealogy research and have information on my family back to the mid 1600's in Scotland - the pattern runs throughout the tree.

 

[ArtW]

For sure, I would likely never have stood for the abuse I received from abusive partners had I had a normal childhood with a mother i could go to for comfort when I was hurt / scared as a kid, I think it made me an affection sponge / beggar
No more of that crap
OTOH, I might be less independent in other ways
Doctoring your own wounds as a younker tends to make you less scared of the sight of your own blood, and doing your own cooking, cleaning, and such is another builder of independence

 

[DannyB1954]

The way I have resolved my early life experience is to understand that all you can ask of anyone including yourself is to do the best that you can. I believe my parents did their best although it was lacking. By today's standards they would certainly be put in jail, and probably make the evening news. It is now time for me to do my best.

 

[Blanch]

I think the issue is perspective. If someone knows they are broken and makes an effort to heal they are on a good path. If someone doesn't know they are broken or doesn't care they continue to end up with drama and trauma.

AA is a good example. Some folks attend to try to get better and improve their lives, and some attend because the court or someone else has told them to. The latter don't generally have the better outcomes.

July will be 29 years since my last drink. I learned that lesson.


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[IanC]

Doctoring your own  wounds as a younker tends to make you less scared of the sight of your own blood,  and doing your own cooking, cleaning, and such is another builder of independence

Yes.  Bringing it back to the van/vehicle dwelling realm. Building this trailer was just such an exercise. Every step of the way I was convinced there was no way I could get the solar, water system, gas etc. put together. The knowledge it all seemed to require seemed like it was way beyond my capabilities.  But, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this forum and elsewhere gleaning information and somehow I got it all together.  It pretty much amazes me that everything works and I haven't blown myself up from a gas leak or electrical fire (as what almost happened this morning).  I don't know if it was a confidence builder or not because I still feel pretty stupid about most things technical, and have gone through life feeling less-than (because that's what mom told us we were) but the fact that I can turn on the stove, I have running water and solar power amazes me every day.

In that way, going on the road, even experimentally, can give you a better sense that many things are not beyond our capability. If I could apply that to the rest of my life, I'd be heading home right now, pulling my shop equipment out of storage and hanging up my shingle again.  I'm not THAT brave. LOL

 

[IanC]

The way I have resolved my early life experience is to understand that all you can ask of anyone including yourself is to do the best that you can. I believe my parents did their best although it was lacking. By today's standards they would certainly be put in jail, and probably make the evening news.  It is now time for me to do my best.

True, considering the situation my mother came from - abuse that would make the headlines today, and my father's similar childhood, growing up during the depression, WW2 experiences and alcoholism, I don't see that they could have done any better than they did.

 

[DrJean]

I know I draw back when I feel I've been rapped on the knuckles...

as for dealing with trauma.... wake each day looking forward to getting through it the best you can. If we get through that day, then we have another day to maybe make things better for our lives.

Things can change. Thankfully we often have a part in that change.

I nearly fully understand why people resort to living in the "woods" even while they have to work a societal job!

Clear out what is absolutely unnecessary and then after a break and rest, begin adding back in what you can tolerate?

 

[frater secessus]

Withdrawing from chaos and drama can help speed the healing process for some. I currently live in a quiet rural area and I am much less anxious than living around a ton of people in the burbs.

 

[Ticklebellly]

Avoidance of the situation or place or reminders or triggers of traumatic memories of the traumatizing event is one of the indicators of the presence of PTSD. Going on the road as a way of getting away from, or reacting to a traumatising experience, is pretty easy to argue as a dysfunctional behaviour. However, if going on the road gives the space to deal with a trumatising experience, then that behaviour is a good thing to do.

All I am doing in the above is pointing out that people often have different ways of dealing with experiences; some ways lead to positive outcomes, some cement the problems.

 

[SoulRaven]

I'd like to add my personal experiences.  

Getting away from my 35 year career as a computer geek in the corporate world has removed so much stress from my life that I personally have relaxed quite a bit.  There were so many times where there was so much pressure to deliver things that were not possible to deliver at any time, much less on the SWAGged schedule.  I decided to retire in order to prevent stroking out or having a heart attack.  Then , they laid me off!  I don't think this really qualifies as PTSD, but there were several times I thought I was just going to lose it.   And endured a lot of emotional turmoil just trying to do my freakin job.  Free time was rarely available.  I NEVER stopped thinking about the job.  So, yeah, I have relaxed a LOT.  
Many nights I have just sat in my chair staring at the stars, not thinking of anything in particular.  I love it. 

On the other hand, I'm NOT saying I'm easy to get along with (as a few people here will attest, I'm sure!     )  

For me personally, my life is the best it's been in years, maybe ever.   So, from Pat, I say give it a shot! 

Pat

 

[DannyB1954]

  But, I spent a ridiculous amount of time on this forum and elsewhere gleaning information and somehow I got it all together. 

I think this goes along with the saying that when you are willing to learn, a teacher will appear. The thing that I believe contributed to your success is you were willing to change by following the advice of others. Had you had it in your mind that you already had the answers, it would not have served you as well. 

Sometimes people will think that I am being negative when I tell them that what they are about to do has some serious drawbacks. I have been accused of shitting on someone else's dream. Experience is full of mistakes and hardships. If others need to get the same experience that I got, there is nothing that I can do. If I am unwilling to learn, nobody can teach me.

 

[DrJean]

Stress comes in many forms. A diagnosis of "PTSD" or CPTSD requires a realization of death...either you nearly died/should have died, you witnessed someone who traumatically died or nearly died, or you were close to a situation where someone you know closely who traumatically died. But not everyone who goes through such an experience will develop PTSD...there is a general consensus on underlying predisposed symptomology. It often results in flashbacks of "brain dumping chemicals" that cause irrational actions IRL.

With that said, millions suffer from undue stress that negatively affects their lives. Elimination of all stress is impossible; trading stressors is often successful when controlled. (Rather than "go through" marriage one might rather suffer the stress of living alone and doing it all yourself.) Not all stress is negative: joyful stress, ( again I'll use the wedding as an example) still takes its toll on the body!

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

I was raised by two alcoholics and by some miracle never became one myself as statistically that's what was most likely to happen to me. However, that might have to do with the fact I didn't realize they were alcoholics until my late teens/early 20's. They didn't fit the typical stereotype and if I got to go back in time and chose my parents at day one I would have picked the two I had.

I've always tried to learn from other's mistakes. Drinking too much was theirs, and it undoubtedly made their daily lives a lot more difficult. So I only drink socially and can go months or years with out a drop. I've dated people who don't drink and as a result didn't drink at all myself. I've dated people that like to drink and thus I could go out and drink with them and have a good time. So I do think who you surround yourself with plays a huge role in who you become and what you do, whether you're consciously choosing or not.

 

[ArtW]

I should be in fatasses anonymous, and when I'm around other fatasses, we all enable each other to even more fatassedness, so yeah definitely merit there

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

I thought that was a very good thread with a lot of merit as it seems trauma of one sort or another kicks off a lot of people's desire or need to start living the mobile lifestyle to get out of or leave a variety of situations.  

As I was thinking about it more, my Dad passing in 08 is the very reason I started to do a lot of traveling myself.  Two reasons.....one I just needed to escape reality for awhile and deal with the pain and secondly, he had traveled extensively in his youth and always encouraged me to get out there and see the country.  Oddly enough, before he passed I was a townie, loved working and loved where I lived and had no desire to see anywhere else.  As much as he told me I'd love it I never took the advice.  So after he passed, traveling around the country sort of made me feel connected to him.  He had been to every state except Hawaii so my brother and I flew there, spend a month camping all over the big island in a rented Jeep Wrangler and spread some of his ashes.  

When we came home we started cleaning out his house, my childhood home and that was therapeutic in itself.  Cleaning out  his desk, I found an old map book and it had the route he took to Montana with his brother, my uncle in 1972.  They did it in an old 60's van.  So I cleaned out and packed up his van he used for his floor covering business and recreated the trip on my own, almost to a T.  

And ever since then, I've been road tripping and can't stop.  Soon as one trip ended, i'd be planning the next.  And through a series of events I've found this website and the desire to hit the road full time.  

So, I guess I can say a trauma def led me to the world of traveling.  

Becoming disabled almost four years ago now and having got a lot better than I was, I can't help but think some time out on the road will help me continue to heal.  It helped me mentally heal from my Dad's passing, now I need it to help me physically heal.  If it works, the road is truly a magical place!