[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I live with a lot of anxiety about what other people will say about me. Not that I ever cared to please any of them. But I still didn't/don't want to deal with all the twisted accusations and spin of[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif] almost everything I do. I was bullied [/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]a lot[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif] mercilessly in[/font][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif] school. Lots of, "Oh you think X!" or "Are you calling me a Y?!" Plus I have had mostly very bad relationships where the other person started out by putting me up on a pedestal, but then spent the entire relationship trying to knock me down. Twisting my words. Creating arguments where there were none. Or distracting from their issues by falsely accusing me of things. [/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]I have a lot of internal dialogue where I imagine what those mean people would say, and then I work on comebacks that would properly defend myself. I do not berate myself. I do not believe those mean voices. I have always known I was a good person. I often say, "I do not have low self esteem. I have low expectations of other people's esteem for me." This is due to other people often feeling it is OK to boss me around, berate me, or insult me. Yes, it gets very aggravating.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]So... What I am working really hard on is losing that internal dialogue. It is debilitating at times.[/font]
[font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Even more insidious, are the feelings of shame about my appearance that don't even rise to the level of an internal dialog. A large part of the bullying that I endured was about how skinny I am. If you have seen the recent videos of me on Bob's YouTube channel (Oct. 18 & 21), you know what I mean. (If a single person offers me advice on how to gain weight, I will report them for harassment. Seriously. I'm sick of it.) [size=small][font=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, sans-serif]Through most of school I was less than 100 pounds. When[/font][/font][/size] I went into Marine Corps boot camp, I was 23 years old, 6' tall, and weighed 117 pounds. (Though, I lost count of the number of times I heard, "If Robertson can do it, you can do it!")
In addition to my weight (or lack thereof), I have a congenital "deformity" where my chest is slightly concave. And, even though I am 6' tall, my arm span is 6' 2". So, yes, I kinda look like a spider monkey. (Although, I like to think that my super power is that I can hug more people!)
I never wanted to ever go without a shirt, or even wear shorts. Because, "Who would want to see that?"
So... another thing that I am losing is my clothes. And with them..... All. That. Shame.
This is why I bristle at all the juvenile jokes when I ask about The Magic Circle or mention other clothing-optional locations. To me, those jokes are not funny. They are brushes, dripping with shame, that people are trying to paint me with.
And so, finally, one of the things that I am working on shedding is people who haven't yet learned how to show respect for their fellow human beings.
My attachment to material possessions. If something gets lost or ruined, I'm not sweating it. I don't buy expensive fancy fancy things. I buy functional, USEFUL items only.
My idea of what falls into the want/need category when shopping. I use to think I needed certain things that I quite obviously, did not.
The idea that I am a half of a whole. Society conditioned me to think that single means my experiences are somehow less valuable because they're not shared with another being. I have shed that ideology completely. I feel like a whole person now, not incomplete or longing.
My "excess" mentality/consumerism. My Outlook on how much food/trash/and water I use. Before I used to take out huge bags of trash when I had an apartment. Now I am much more conscious about that. Also I don't overindulge in food because I am usually away from a grocery store for long periods of time. I used to overeat a lot! Incidentally this has helped my wallet and also I have lost 60 pounds since June last year.