Waiting until I can hit the road...

[bogwalker]

Hi! I'm a new lurker, but am at a point where I could use some encouragement, so feedback is very welcome!

I am 64, disabled by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for 25+ years--thankfully, I am generally functional if I don't overdo, although extended hiking is not an option   -- but very low income as a result. My ex- and I adopted 2 wonderful kids from the foster system before the marriage went caput, and therein lies the problem.

We live in Berkeley, CA, one of the most expensive housing markets in the US, and my ex won't move. My kids are in middle school, and won't graduate for 5 years. Finances are extremely difficult, but I could manage decently without the burden of rent, etc. I could even start van lifing  in my current Odyssey van if I had too, although at 12 years old maintenance will become an issue before long.

As a wilderness canoer and camper (BWCA, MN) in a past life, I am not worried about hitting the road full-time. Camping? Can't get enough! Road trips? Be still my heart! Van life sounds like a dream come true! I've been learning about various aspects of converting a van to full time use, figured out my ideal vehicle, budgets, priorities for conversion over time while saving up to do the next step, floor plans, decorating, you name it! 


But, I can't go on the road without abandoning my kids, who are with me half time. I can't take them with and homeschool because their other parent (who has mental health issues) would never agree, and my daughter is in a phenomenal art school here (profoundly dyslexic but incredibly talented visual artist). Given their pre-adoption histories, and the mere fact of being adopted, I can scarcely imagine the damage that would be done if I went on the road and just called, and visited on occassion.

So I am left here, trying to scrape food and Christmas out of a too-small budget, fantasizing about traveling in the far distant future... and trying to not get depressed with what feels like an unmanageable wait. (for perspective, I gave up making long term plans like that after I got sick, because they never, ever seem to come close to fruition!). 

Ideas? Encouragement??

Thanks for listening!
Bogbeast

 

[travelaround]

Hi there, welcome to the forum... I was born in the SF Bay Area (downtown Oakland Kaiser Hospital) ... and lived in the East Bay much of my life (Also SF for a while) . . . I don't know what the boondocking situation is there but the last time I did it (about 1999) I was sleeping near a freeway onramp ... near Pinole ... and a LEO woke me up in the middle of the night to ask if I was okay! ((Yes, officer, I was sleeping peacefully until you woke me up.)) I also remember camping for a while at an expensive campground on a hill near a shooting range - can't remember the place... but it wasn't free and there were too many bees.

So, do you have friends there who would let you park on their land or in their driveways? That could be the easiest parking situation. If there's some better boondocking opportunity, please let me know so I can return to visit the Bay Area someday.

So long as you're taking care of the kids 1/2 the time, looks like you'll have to arrange for two extra beds for them. I homeschooled my two youngest and we took lots of "social studies" trips to CA state historical parks. Very educational... slept in our car, often, the three of us! We all have great memories of those times.

I guess you want to save on child support by having the children half the time but this is going to be very difficult for five years. I feel for you. Weekends only, or 2 weekends monthly, would be so much easier.

 

[tav-2020]

hi Bogbeast! welcome!
i've said this a few times to other newbies - remember that it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

take stock of your van and figure out if it could work by actually going out on a few camping weekends, or what ever your "you" time might allow.
when the opportunity arises, take the kids on a short trip too. make the lifestyle part of your "now" in small bits until it can become more of a constant.
i only camp weekends now, have a plan, hope it comes through, but at least i have my "mini-escapes" until it does :shy: 
best of luck to you!

 

[highdesertranger]

Welcome to the CRVL forums! To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips, Tricks and Rules" post lists some helpful information to get you started. We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[Moxadox]

Hi there! I want to mention something about "mental health issues," which ALL OF US have. I see that used far too many times in reference to behavior by a spouse/ex, and I'd like to not say that if a partner/ex actually has schizophrenia, bipolar, major depression, borderline personality disorder, etc, that has been diagnosed by a qualified professional, then they deserve at least as much respect as any other health issue. In other words, if you have issues with your ex, those should remain private. Just my two cents.....

The Dire Wolfess

 

[LivGolden]

:heart:

 

[bogwalker]

Hi, Dire,

I agree!

I only brought it up because if she is in a space where her meds aren’t as effective (which happens regularly) she gets rageful and unwilling to negotiate kid stuff. That impacts my decision-making, because the kids get impacted.

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

Hi & Welcome bogwalker
I'm in a similar situation as a caretaker full time for my Dad (Alzheimers) also my Mom at 82 depends on me for many things and is very against my future plans.
Three years ago after 5 years of declining health (Diabetic-Neuropathy-Severe Psoriasis and 2 Heart Attacks my health was on a up swing and I found "Van Life". Last year I was able to take a couple of small trips 3-5 days I was fortunate to have someone I know to watch Dad also in last year Mom moved near me so I could help her more and Dads illness has progressed to where not many are willing to "adult sit".

If you have 50/50 custody and are retired/ disabled you should try local trips your Honda is good on Gas so you could take a 500 mile round trip for less than a $100, pack up some food and a cooler make a bed in back and GOOOOO! It's a great way to see if you will like this lifestyle and give you an opportunity to see what modifications you will need to make the Honda Livable. Why not pick up a cheap tent and take the kids on a trip see how they react to living a few days on the road if your Ex is having problems with Her Meds they probably would love a Mini Vacation and seeing the woods and such!
Sometimes we put blinders on and focus on the things holding us back (I'm an Expert) I would suggest looking for positives all you need is gas if you can travel and find free spots to stay and buy food like you would at home it really may not cost a whole lot more considering you'll be using less Utilities at home, maybe cancel the Cable & Internet and use a mobile hotspot at home and on the road if you get creative it may not cost you anymore to travel than your paying now.

Sorry for the ramble this is a subject I've been dealing with for awhile and know how you feel.
Peace & Blessings
MikesgonenoMAD

 

[Moxadox]

Hi, Dire,

I agree!

I only brought it up because if she is in a space where her meds aren’t as effective (which happens regularly) she gets rageful and unwilling to negotiate kid stuff. That impacts my decision-making, because the kids get impacted.

I hear. Didn't intend to jump on you....It's just something that gets used a lot when people break up and resent one another's behavior. Since your ex does have diagnosed problems that are impacting your family, one way to look at it is, just in the same way diabetics can get super sick when they go into denial and don't take their insulin, so people with neuropsychiatric illness might get sick if they stop taking their medications. So you could say, for instance, "My ex has a chronic illness and it impacts our kids." That way, there is no stigma against people with any specific health issue. Am I making any sense here?

The Dire Wolfess

 

[LivGolden]

Agreed, Dire Wolfess. We finally eradicated the term 'leprosy' (leper) when referring to Hansen's disease. That seemingly small achievement gave back to  those living with the disease the dignity they and their loved ones deserve. Words are important. We can all do better. 

Small trips are a great way to 'get away'. It really is medicine, even if it's just for the weekend. When I can't go as I wish,  I practice 'remote viewing'. Not like with men and goats but really just intensifying memories of grand times on the road and the trail. I have also been known to pitch my tent in the yard.

Peace

 

[RoamerRV428]

We are in a similar situation of feeling trapped by family situations right now and can not hit the road as we would love. My situation is very easy tho compared to yours. My mom is 90 and doing very well living in her home still with no med troubles at all. Very active actually My brother drives to her home and stays a few days a week to help her and I drive up on other days to take her out shopping when needed. We have her covered in staying in her home until she just can't for any reason. We are doing our part and I a thrilled we have that privilege to help, but the old heart sometimes wants to chuck it all and fly free on the road. But I can't leave her. I just can't. My husbands mom is almost 80 with many med troubles and he doesn't want to leave her either now. I had my daughter later in life at 43, my one and only, so she is in 8th now, wants to finish her school with her friends. So about 5 yrs til she is more on her own, settled in some college situation and I know for a fact I am staying put for at least the school years but we are chomping at the bit for our freedom also. Her college and my retirement almost hit at the same time LOL ugh

So I think, just live best I can in this known at least 5-6 yrs and see where life brings us at that time. Will my mom pass? Will hubby's mom pass? Can I get my daughter graduated and settled into a situation that warrants we can now wander on our own with total freedom? Who knows But we keep working toward that adventure.

Best one can do is live in the now. Live in the present. Smile only for this day cause tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. Do your best financially and strategize to save/change how you spend/maybe live in your van and take camping trips with the kids and more to just live the best you can with what you have.

That is what we are doing. I put my wanderlust on the back burner. We take many trips to fill our need for travel. Family ties can be very binding in some cases but situations do change and when they do we can act on them.

Sometimes people feel very caught and trapped by life. We feel it also. But I can't let that ever change how I live my present and daily life. Act on what you can change now to make things better for everyone. That is all one can do.

I just keep thinking our time will come and try not to get discouraged. This is the time we have to also count every single blessing and be grateful of what we do have in life. It isn't about what we do not have, it is 100% about what we have and be happy and content with those we do love in our lives Work on changing some shorter term situations you can for your daily life and hopefully things will settle in a better place for you.

best of luck!!

 

[bogwalker]

Thank you all!

I really appreciate the support and ideas!

 

[bogwalker]

We are in a similar situation of feeling trapped by family situations right now and can not hit the road as we would love.  My situation is very easy tho compared to yours.  My mom is 90 and doing very well living in her home still with no med troubles at all.  Very active actually  My brother drives to her home and stays a few days a week to help her and I drive up on other days to take her out shopping when needed.  We have her covered in staying in her home until she just can't for any reason.  We are doing our part and I a thrilled we have that privilege to help, but the old heart sometimes wants to chuck it all and fly free on the road.  But I can't leave her.  I just can't.  My husbands mom is almost 80 with many med troubles and he doesn't want to leave her either now.  I had my daughter later in life at 43, my one and only, so she is in 8th now, wants to finish her school with her friends.  So about 5 yrs til she is more on her own, settled in some college situation and I know for a fact I am staying put for at least the school years but we are chomping at the bit for our freedom also.  Her college and my retirement almost hit at the same time LOL ugh

So I think, just live best I can in this known at least 5-6 yrs and see where life brings us at that time.  Will my mom pass?  Will hubby's mom pass?  Can I get my daughter graduated and settled into a situation that warrants we can now wander on our own with total freedom?   Who knows  But we keep working toward that adventure.

Best one can do is live in the now.  Live in the present.  Smile only for this day cause tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us.  Do your best financially and strategize to save/change how you spend/maybe live in your van and take camping trips with the kids and more to just live the best you can with what you have.

That is what we are doing.  I put my wanderlust on the back burner.  We take many trips to fill our need for travel. Family ties can be very binding in some cases but situations do change and when they do we can act on them.

Sometimes people feel very caught and trapped by life.  We feel it also.  But I can't let that ever change how I live my present and daily life.  Act on what you can change now to make things better for everyone.  That is all one can do.  

I just keep thinking our time will come and try not to get discouraged.  This is the time we have to also count every single blessing and be grateful of what we do have in life.  It isn't about what we do not have, it is 100% about what we have and be happy and content with those we do love in our lives   Work on changing some shorter term situations you can for your daily life and hopefully things will settle in a better place for you.

best of luck!!

Oh, I do understand! You have to make the best choices you can with the information and whatever wisdom you have at the time, or you will never get beyond the regrets. I wasn't able to spend much time at all with my Dad because he lived 3,000 miles away and the cost was beyond prohibitive. Thankfully, my sibling got me a plane ticket so that I could be there at the end, 5 years ago. My best to you and your family!

We are already camp at every opportunity--not nearly often enough because I have to keep food on the table and gas isn't cheap. Right now, I've decided the best route for me to take is to continue to learn as much as I can about converting vans and other peoples' tips and experiences, and practice patience. I can work on improving my credit, because that is always good, and developing some woodworking skills towards eventual conversion (my kids and I started building a very casual workbench today for starters. I should be more comfortable with my drill by the time I am done, as I dislike power tools!). And, I am working at getting rid of stuff, to reduce the clutter at home and reduce the size of the storage unit I rent. Tiny steps, but if I have to hang on for 5 years, I don't need big ones!

Thanks for all your feedback!

 

[RoamerRV428]

You have a great attitude. Tiny steps. ALL working directly toward your final goal. By the time you do hit the road you will be in a very nice position to do so, all thru your hard work to obtain just that So many great tips and tricks for building/living/resources etc. one can learn while you are waiting.

Just enjoy your life tho on a daily basis, the future will take care of itself in a way
Clutter, ugh, thankfully I am a minimalist type. I have like nothing left since I have decluttered, sold and given away all the junk. I want very little now. I want lighter travel, easy to haul freedom. Working toward total freedom on the road and no one wants their junk to hold them down, at least not for me!

 

[bogwalker]

Thanks!

 

[ByeBye]

Hey BB, welcome!!
I tend to think more circular, than linear, in situations like this so I don't have any 'advice' but do know what seems to work for me, in a big picture kinda way.

1. See it, believe it, be grateful for it NOW.
Dream board, Vision board, whatever you want to call it it's about envisioning the life we would bring to ourselves, making a visual of it where we can see and add to it everyday, if we wish. What we focus attention on is what is more likely to manifest in our world...we help create our own reality whether we realize we're doing it or not so why not do it mindfully. I won't go into specifics of how to do it, if it speaks to you you'll know and find out how to do it.
Same dynamic as is spoken of in the Law of Attraction. Still takes 'footwork' cause it won't always just fall out of the sky although many, many times we'll experience miracles, large and small. Trust the Universe while chopping wood and carrying water, so to speak.

2. Being free of debt is one of the most freeing things in the world for me.

3. This is probably more linear but most of my professional career w/ in helping services this is just a reminder that an unbiased third party, i.e. counselor, therapist, social worker, etc, might help w/ the seemingly impossible obstacles we face in dealing such important family matters.

Being true to ourselves with an open heart and no agenda is the best life I can imagine. Those are just NOT the life skills most of us get, haha.

I tend to ramble so I'll stop here and wish you and yours the best.

Marcus