Van life or my marriage

[White+Nerdy]

Like I wrote in my intro, I’m seeing many aspects of my past - influences, experiences,  personality quirks - that seem to be leading me toward van life. I have the skills and confidence and even a job I could work from anywhere with an internet connection. I’m currently tied down in a house, but with local housing prices skyrocketing I could sell the place and most of my stuff to get a decent nest egg to buy and build my new home on wheels. And a big part of me wants to do that.

It’s not the stuff that’s holding me back. It’s my marriage. My wife has no interest in van life. Maybe, one day, using one for brief overnights near home. She’s raising two kids from her previous marriage. She also has a vast array of birds of various types, cats, hedgehogs, and a dog, and van life simply won’t work for her, all of them, them, or us. She’s an amazing woman who has been a hugely positive influence on my life. It’s also because of her that I find myself tied down, unable to get away for even an overnight on my motorcycle anymore. We work our asses off but never have enough money.

It’s an either/or choice, and no matter what I decide I’m giving up a lot - either the dream, or what she and I already have. There’s no question in my mind that if she was no longer in my life I’d be in a van as quick as I could and out traveling and loving it. But I’m also committed to her, and I don’t know how to proceed.

 

[free2enjoy]

"Look for the answer inside the question" Rumi

You already know the answer.

"There’s no question in my mind that if she was no longer in my life I’d be in a van as quick as I could and out traveling and loving it."

 

[cyndi]

You love your wife. Keeping working toward your dream. When the time is right, you'll know the answer.

 

[Capricci]

I hope you can see least talk to your wife. It sucks being ambushed by a partner's decision to leave. I was the one left behind in my situation. And by the time I managed to overcome my fears and commit to going with him, it was too late. Now he is divorcing me. It sounds like your decision is really already made. I pray you will be honest and open with the one you love. I pray you won't just stifle your feelings until your only choice is to walk away leaving her behind a wall of impenetrable silence. If you must go, go honorably.

 

[GotSmart]

As I sit looking at the lights of Ehrenberg/ Blythe at 2:30am I am thinking about how lucky I am having someone who has the same basic wanderlust as me. It has taken years to find her

Don’t throw love away for a dream on the internet. Work on eliminating bills and cleaning out the excesses. Who knows. She might discover RV ing.

 

[Wildtrapper]

Baggage, deciding what, where you want to be in life, always choices!

Ha! Buy a van, turn into a man cave, you don't have to move into it, just make it a work in progress, maybe get the wife to take a small trip in it with you. Don't live thinking you will change her, she is what/who she is, you love her, then love her for her. But, you certainly need to down size on all the pets, draw some lines on those, they are eating up all you are working for.

For me, yes, I live in a home with a wife, roots, we have some, grandchildren next door, days I feel like I'm chained, I just get on the bike and take an hour or two off and ride with no destination other than circling back to the love waiting for me at home.

My wife loves travel as much as I do, she just feels she needs roots under her. I love her, we been together since 1971, we may never make the actual move to van life, but we - I should say I, just bought another RV, makes about a dozen we've owned, SO, I just work toward a dream and she supports it as long as I have a dream, she knows I have life.

Keep your dream! Keep your love!

 

[WanderLoveJosh]

Keep in mind there are other alternatives besides van life... if you have a wife with kids, you could toss the idea of a travel trailer or 5th wheel.. since I've been stationary in Colorado Springs, I've met a few people that have done this with families.

You say, you feel that if she was no longer in your life you would live in the van and be happy, maybe you would, but there's also a chance that you could end up miserable without her. I say that because, the way you talk about her, it seems like you really love her and care for her, so yes, you would get to get on with your dream, but you would now be without a companion that you love, you're going to feel a bunch of loneliness that perhaps depending on your mindset, you could be mindful and not let your suffering control your life. I don't know, and no one could possibly know. Because its a thought about the future that hasn't happened and we can't predict. I would say be mindful of your feelings, its all about what is ultimately going to make you happy in life. Best of luck with your thoughts.

 

[lenny flank]

So many people view "vandwelling" with stars in their eyes........ They think it's some wonderful storybook life full of unicorns and chocolate fountains and "freedom!!!" and "not a care in the world!!", and it will solve all their troubles and make them live happily ever after.

Life is not Instagram and YouTube. And if your real troubles lie between your ears, vandwelling will do nothing to solve them.

 

[WanderLoveJosh]

Oh yes, Lenny hit it on the head and said what we all should have said to begin with.

Unless you have disposable income and don't have to worry about money at all.. then I would say perhaps its could be a dream world.

But not so much for most of us. While it can be great, and have plenty of positives, it isn't a life fixer, or instant key to happiness in all cases.

 

[lenny flank]

Unless you have disposable income and don't have to worry about money at all.. then I would say perhaps its could be a dream world.

But not so much for most of us. While it can be great, and have plenty of positives, it isn't a life fixer, or instant key to happiness in all cases.

"Money" is a key. While it ain't the end-all and be-all of life, "having money" makes everything a thousand times easier and more comfortable: "not having money" means you just live like a homeless person.

I have seen sooooo many people who enthusiastically sell all they have, move into a van and ride off into the sunset--only to give it up a few months later when they find out that living in a space that is smaller than the average prison cell is not as glamorous as they thought it would be. The fact that they become "disillusioned" means that they were "illusioned" to begin with. So don't be "illusioned". It ain't a lifestyle for everyone.

 

[Suanne]

Unfortunately, no one has the answer to your query except you.  It's hard however you look at it.

One truism that I try to remember at such times is that "there's always a third choice." Life is rarely black and white, rather many shades of grey are between the 2 choices.  Ponder what shades of grey may be between your van life and your marriage.  Others here have already suggested a few.

For me personally, I thoroughly explored many grey areas from 2009-2016. Finally, every possible compromise that my husband and I worked at had failed.  We've now been divorced for almost a year.  

But, what came out of that 6+ year effort of compromising is a lot of mutual respect for each other and a very good life-long friendship.

May you and your wife discover the choices that bring you both happiness.

Suanne

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Life isn't black or white, relationships require compromise and compassion. Love of self will kill a relationship which requires being selfless and considerate. At the feast of ego, everyone goes home hungry.
What should you do? Definitely not follow the advice, based on THEIR experience/preference, of strangers in a forum. Best that we can do is enlighten you to aspects that you might consider, emphasize, critical think to develop your own solutions. None of us know the specifics of your situation from a paragraph or two to be able to give you the right answer. In a forum of nomads and wanderers, what type of answer could one expect to get? Unbiased and impartial?

Here are some thoughts to consider.

From the way that you mention it, appears that you are basically considering a personal desire/ fantasy vs the realities of a relationship which is not as exciting anymore and it's numerous limitations/ compromises. Your questioning it's value vs wanderlust. If that is correct, there are many implications to ponder and assess. Do some research and reading on both of those. In which case the questions for you to answer might be, travel vs love and a relationship? Sacrifice vs Independence? Best possible compromises? fantasy vs reality? How to keep the fire of love alive? How long will wanderlust be fulfilling before it to becomes redundant, lonely?

How can anyone answer this question for you? They can't. Only you know what's deep inside. And only down the road will you know if a choice you make was good or bad or so so.
Emotions do not always lead us down the best path or to happiness.

 

[White+Nerdy]

Life is not Instagram and YouTube. And if your real troubles lie between your ears, vandwelling will do nothing to solve them.

So, so true. And I do have troubles between my ears as well, and vandwelling won’t fix them any more than my many other major life changes have. But those adventures have taught me that vandwelling might be a good option for me. If I’d discovered it a few years ago, before my wife and I got together, I might’ve gone that way instead.

But here I am now. I can’t “van dwell” in a WRX sedan or a VW Jetta I turned into a pickup truck. Too small. It costs so much to travel and stay in hotels that I’m convinced a van is a viable option, even short term. I’m not sure how to sell her on the idea, or if I should even try to.

I appreciate everyone’s input on this. Thank you.

 

[WanderingCanuck]

This is how I've personally dealt with the issue:

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover". --MARK TWAIN

 

[White+Nerdy]

Wandering Canuck, if it was simple as casting off material possessions and jobs I’d already be doing it. When it comes to throwing away my relationship with the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, I can’t do that. Not lightly at any rate.

I do genuinely appreciate your advice though.

 

[SondraRose]

In my experience, it doesn’t have to be either /or. It just takes some imagination and a willingness not to settle for less.

I’m the wanderer in our marriage. He’s not. We’ve based our relationship on win-win, rather than one person sacrificing for the other.

My husband and I have different needs and we work together to make sure we both get what we need. Oh, and the dogs, too!

So we downsized so we can have a home-base AND a van. I take short trips, sometimes with the dogs, sometimes not. He will join me during the AZ summers for at least part of the time (we both can work on the road.)

I probably won’t go full-time unless I end up living longer than him. I am cool with that.

 

[WanderingCanuck]

Wandering Canuck, if it was simple as casting off material possessions and jobs I’d already be doing it. When it comes to throwing away my relationship with the most amazing woman I’ve ever known, I can’t do that. Not lightly at any rate.

I do genuinely appreciate your advice though.

I'm not making any claims that this is simple.  Simple is the status quo.  Ever played "52 pickup"? (Reference: 52 Pickup, Wikipedia)  That's sort of what I'm involved in right now, though not quite so severe.  Do I have regrets for going down this road?  Not yet.

Now, if you genuinely appreciate and respect her, perhaps my solution isn't what's right for you.  My only advice in that case is that you find a way to be happier than you are right now because small amounts of unhappiness as a result of your situation don't solve themselves.  They get worse.

 

[Capricci]

Ok. Too me forever to find it (and still not sure how I did!) But here is link to article Bob made using a post from forum on this very topic.

http://www.cheaprvliving.com/uncategorized/partner-doesnt-want-travel/


For my two cents, whatever you ultimately decide, if the person you are leaving truly loves you, you owe that person a goodbye, made as humanely and gently as possible. But the person in this post makes a good point (their user name is, walkabout, i think?) If your wife is holding onto you as if you are on a leash then the resentment of giving up your dream in exchange for being just one more pet in the petshop is just going to build up to unbearable levels and destroy the relationship anyway. Does that make sense?

 

[geogentry]

 But I’m also committed to her, and I don’t know how to proceed.

So buy a bus at auction and convert it.  It will just big a BIG van.  Plan out how to put the bird and hedgehog cages in the bus.  The cats and dogs should be no problem.  With the extra room of a bus you can have the open road and your wife and she can have her zoo.  Your not gonna be able to convert the thing over night anyway so that gives you time to slowly and patiently work oh her.

And if you only use as much room for yourself as you would have in a van your gonna have more than enough room for her zoo - and well her too of course.

 

[rm.w/aview]

^I agree with this last post, or in a variation thereof. I believe that this may eliminate the "either/or" choice that you are presenting yourself with and introduce another choice or avenue of thought for the happiness of two. The relationship that you have with your bride could have the two of you come to a compromise of some form that'll eventually grow into the start of another chapter of your lives together. She is the most amazing woman you've ever known and you love her, you cherish her, and you certainly do not want to go on without her. I believe that in the interest of each other's happiness, especially if each considers the other, this idea of yours will grow from dream to hobby to lifestyle in a way that not only makes you both happy, but makes you both happy together, as you turn the corner and venture down the road together. All the best to you both.