Ken, your story is so very similar to an audiobook I just listened to called 'A Man Called Ove'. It is fiction but truths can always be gleaned in good stories.
He learned that he found meaning in life without his wife only when he was practically forced in to helping out a new pushy neighbor. Day by day as he went about his routine in the world, he found that he could still be useful, even something as simple as reading a story to a preschooler, and this slowly lifted his depression somewhat (I can only imagine losing a lifelong partner will always leave an emptiness).
You sound like you have so many skills to offer that could be benefit many others. I hope you realize you are far from worthless.
You are right of course. However I still feel empty, still have the knot at the pit of my stomach. I have made the decision to run away from this place. In two months I'll be on the move. (maybe 3 months)
I'm only waiting for better weather in the spring. I have no plan, no destination, no end game, no route.
On the day I pull out I will wet my finger stick it up and see which side gets cold. I'll do that everyday or week or month until the ache is gone or I don't wake up. At least I won't be waiting for Linda to come home any longer. I've come to know she is never coming home again.
So you are right, that I've still have many things to give. I'll find others who need what I have and give it away, that alone will make my days worth something. Maybe just a kind word, maybe I can fix something, at least make some else's day better in some unknown way.
Next month the property taxes will be due, The paperwork is ready to sign off our home to my son, He can sell it, rent it out or live here. I am closing the book on the past and starting over with no expectation.
This trailer that I'm living in was our planed unending adventure, I have bought a new smaller one. I can't bring myself to live in our house,(home) It will remain as she left it until my son takes charge this spring. Her car is in the garage with a battery tender on it for him to use or sell. My old pickup will tow the new trailer anywhere I end up each day.
I'm going to smell fresh air, really look at new things, share an old timers story about how it was before the lawyers took over our country and ruined it. Times before running water and electric lights, how it was before paved roads everywhere, before high speed living was normal, before tv, when neighbors really cared and helped each other. When a promise was kept like my wife and I had, for better or for worse, in sickness and health, until death do us part. The end has happened and now a new beginning, alone again.
Ken
