'stuck' independence vs relationship

[CarCampire]

Salutations!

Basic information; I'm a 27 year old female currently in a 7 year relationship and bound to my male counterpart with the whole house, dog, and white picket fence deal. I'm a proud introvert who enjoys spending time alone to 'recharge' - a little too much these days. Our deal is he pays the mortgage and I pay all the utility and misc bills (which is a good $700 difference, so I'm getting the better deal in my humble opinion); emphasizing that I'm grateful but ever since we lost everything in hurricane Sandy and had to essentially restart from scratch, I came to the conclusion that life is an ever-changing slew of events and being rooted in our current situation- it feels stagnant and; well, long story short- I'm unhappy having 'rooted'.

I love this man I'm with but I have been dreaming of the Mobil dwelling lifestyle / independence in general for years; even prior to the hurricane. It's gotten so bad I'm starting to resent him for keeping me rather than allowing me my independence but I know this is my choice; he's not at fault at all, even more so; he's a victim of my actions to come. So I have been contemplating my final decision for months and have found myself still unsure of what to do; aka 'stuck'.

I don't wish to string him along but I also fear loosing him to my insane desires. One one hand I have a loving mate who is pressuring me to tie the knot; next step is children, then the time warp that follows that and possibly anothet shot at independance in my later years when my children move away or goodness forbid the love of my life dies. I know many find this lifestyle in hard times but I feel this is something I'm almost willing to forsake a 'sure thing' for... ALMOST... He would be an excellent father, he's been a wonderful provider and I do love him- but in loving him I am forsaking my own wants and desires, catering to a normal lifestyle to keep this going; and finding myself unhappy and resentful conforming to while I feel selfish for wanting something different than normal or even writing this.

Normal isn't something to aspire to, for me- it's something to run from yet here I remain because another hangs in the balance along side me. My actions will change his life, not just mine.

On the other hand I feel a mixture of excitement, passion,... and selfishness... I can finally seek my independance, build a rig tailored to 'me'- I've always wanted to build my own house and this is one I can take with me! I can find myself, figure myself out, I can presue whatever I want from life on a whim, without roots to hold me down or restrictions to hold me back! ... but I may also find that on this journey I am lonely; that I forsook a beautiful thing between two people in order to selfishly fulfill my own dreams... and I may regret my choice.

This isn't a decision to be taken lightly.
I desperately seek change but am afraid of what that means for my lover- goodness knows he won't come with me. It wouldn't truly be independance if he did nor can I selfishly ask him to wait for me. That would be unfair.

To look at thia from another angle; whats more perplexing is that if I love this man of mine so much; and if he provides so much for me- Why am I still contemplating such an insane lifestyle over a sure thing? Why would I be willing to spend time in a walk-in closet sized home that's freezing in the winter, hot in the summer and has a sleeping area just a few feet away from explosives (propane tank) or electrical systems that could arch (battery box); causing a Fire or killing me in my sleep. If someone got wise to me bokndocking I could get my rig stolen, towed or even encounter a lot of other scary situations...

Yet i still want this- badly. I've wanted it for some time now... but is it worth it? All the time I wasted of my lovers and my own? The sure thing? Is normalcy so terrible and sad I feel I must run from it? Why does it make me so unhappy?

Here i remain; 'stuck' and each second wasted continuing to think about it only further corners me in my own indecisive doubts.

Suggestions?

 

[SoulRaven]

Interesting dilemma...

If he was willing to go with you, would that make you happy?

Maybe some sort of a compromise can keep everybody happy. Instead of a van, maybe a motor home... If he's a biker, maybe he could take his bike with, or off road stuff.

Not everybody has wanderlust, but at least sometimes, I think the possibilities are just not presented correctly.

You said he won't go with you, but you didn't mention why. Maybe the why, can be worked out. I just can't help but feel like if he loves you as much as you love him, there must be some way to keep you both happy.

Best Wishes!

 

[Optimistic Paranoid]

Sabbatical.  If it was me, I'd try to arrange things so I could take six months or so to TRY the new lifestyle.  Ask him to wait that long.  If he really loves you, he will.

Maybe towards the end of that period, he could take two weeks vacation from his job and fly out and join you, see what it's like for himself, and you could see what it's like to try the lifestyle as a couple.

Maybe after six months, you'll decide it ain't what you thought it would be, maybe you'll discover that it's too hard to make a living while doing this,  maybe you'll decide that you miss him too much and you just can't live without him, maybe you'll decide it's perfect and it's what you want to do for the rest of your life.  But at that point, hopefully, you'll KNOW, instead of guessing, which is what you're trying to do now.

As always, my invaluable free advice is worth every penny you paid for it.

Regards
John

 

[Theadyn]

I truly know how you are feeling. Am there, myself, with my bf. I live in his home, big sprawling, pretty home, and he pays for everything. Yet, sometimes, I feel stuck, as well.

For right now I am trying a compromise. I have explained my feelings that if I don't get out sometimes I will come to resent, and he has accepted this. So I found a van and outfitted it to take on travels, for multiple reasons (one being, to let go of my former late hubby, the other, to find myself and some happiness being stuck does not provide). I can travel when I 'need' to, so I don't go insane with the mundane. Then I can come home. I think he would rather have me happier and here most of the time, then miserable and resentful and eventually flat out leaving. So I consider myself a very part-timer. It was the best compromise I have found to work for both of our happiness. I don't mind going out there on my own, being an extreme introvert. And I know this type of getting out there isn't for him. Right now I'm waiting on a few repairs and can't wait to hit the road again.

There are a few of us here where one spouse has wanderlust and the other spouse doesn't, I'm hoping they chime in here, as well, to show what works for them to give you ideas.

Also, just think of it this way.. you are admitting how you are feeling head on. Would your partner want you but only one way and miserable? Can there be a compromise? I'm sure he wants happy you. If there was a way for you both to be happy, would he be amendable to ideas? Or is it one way and one way only? Only asking, because if he has to have it his way, you already know you will keep that stuck feeling. Be true to yourself. Talk to him. Maybe you can get him interested in going some of the time, maybe letting you go more often, and you can both be happy??

Hang in there! PM me anytime.

 

[ramblingvanman]

Wow, how wonderful and awful all at once. I truly feel for you and don't know what I would do in your situation. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

 

[akrvbob]

I was in a close situation in that I had already been a vandweller for 6 years then got married and settled in a house. I despised living in a house. I stayed as long as I could and tried Optimistic Paranoids solution of taking trips of several months a couple times a year.

My heart soared on the trips and sank in the prison of the house! On my last trip my ex-wife said, "You aren't coming back are you?" and I finally had to admit to myself I wasn't.

I have never for one second regretted that decision!!!!!

There is no way we can tell you what to do, but I believe that if you don't at least give it a chance now by taking trips you will regret it for the rest of your life and there is a chance it will poison your relationship with him and you could have kids and then end up with neither.

Trade your car for a minivan, set it up for basic camping and start taking trips that are progressively longer. If your heart isn't really in it you have lost very little and have gained prescious memories of an adventure lived.

If your heart is in in then you have your answer!
Bob

 

[compassrose]

So have you spoke to him about it? I mean really sat down with no interruptions to have a really good talk? Turn the cellphones of, power off the computer and sit down with an eye to resolving this.

Without knowing his side of things, you can't really make a decision.

How does he feel about RVing for extended times. Would it be possible with your jobs?

Could you be happy RVing for a weekend - week- month at a time?

Fulltiming is not all about traveling. It is not a 24/7 vacation. Traveling is very expensive. What do you do for income? Is that a portable job?

Even if you do end up fulltiming (and yes you can with kids), you may find that you don't want to.

You both may find that down sizing to a smaller house would be better and have an RV for traveling in would suit you.

Being completely "free" isn't perfect and it isn't cheap when repairs are needed. I could never live in another house again. My goal is to have a bit of land to keep the insurance companies & government happy. It would act as a home base that I could travel from. I would like a winter "base" and a summer "base". The bases would give me a place to work on vehicles (frowned upon in most parks). I grew up living in FL for the winter and in the mountains of NC in the summer. Most of my family on my Mom's side like to "go". That has transferred strongly to me and one of my daughters. I was lucky that my husband liked to go too. We have owned 4 houses and during the 35 years we were together, we moved 10 times (not RVing) in 4 states all related to work. During that time we stayed in parks in tents, hardsided popup camper (extended time up to 2 months and full timed for 18 months), Class C (full time as of 2006) and then the bus (what I currently live in). Since 2006 when David & I started fulltiming, we have lived in  GA, NC, TN, FL, TX, NM (not in that order and multiple times for each state... except TX). I am currently stuck in NM (Land of Entrapment... have the money to leave and only use it to leave. Wages + cost of living kept us from leaving). Every one is different.

Before you burn your bridges, talk. Not argue talk either and try including him in your traveling, unless you don't want that in which case, stringing him along is cruel. Go look at RV's. Guys tend to like the toy haulers too for some reason.

 

[ramblingvanman]

Guys tend to like the toy haulers too for some reason.

It is because we never really "grow up". Our toys just get bigger and more expensive.

 

[ZoNiE]

Get an RV. Go out and do things on the road together. Might help. Might change his views, might change yours...

 

[Jana]

Take a long trip and see if the lifestyle is really what you want. It's really easy to romanticize the "other", whether it's a person, place, or lifestyle. There are a lot of people who need time away to recharge. And some of us just need a lot more space, whether real or emotional, than others. Don't make any final decisions (whatever constitutes "final" in this changing world) until you find peace of mind, whatever it is for you.

Stick to your guns about not having children until you know what you truly want.

 

[CarCampire]

We're actually on vacation this week. It's not so much the going places and doing things; it's experiancing independance and building a lifestyle around anti-rooting.  It's the 'rooting' and stagnant social norms I'm unhappy with, not so much the man but hes in love with the lifestyle and wont try the other. Ill admit there is comfort in consistancy but its so stagnant - its annoying. If i did take this alternative lifestyle; I'd still maintain my 9-5 job until the rig was finished and then I'd likely move to new places and try new occupations until I found one I was passionate about. Its the ability to 'up and go' at a moments notice that I like. I like the ability to 'run'. You can't do that in a relationship though and when I bring it up; it makes no sense to him- so much so that it sounds like I'm running 'from him' and in a sense; I am in wanting my own independance.

I've brought up the purchase of a van, but to him it's one foot out the door. Even if I did manage to convince him, who's going to cook for him, do his laundry or fulfill the civic duties of his female counterpart in my absence? It's like we would be seperated, I stand corrected; it's not 'like' it 'is' that we would be seperated. Its not that he's incapable but I'm sure he's unwilling - and it's not like all the chores fall upon me either, but living for myself to presue my own goals and aspirations is pretty clear in and of itself. Essentially I'm choosing 'me' over him... 'us'.

I've thought long and hard about all alternatives and shared these idea with him and he isn't willing to try the mobile life, let alone let me go to experiance it and come back. It's unfair of me to push the matter any longer as its simply put; painful for the relationship.

I can see both options clearly;
I can see staying with him, eventually accepting my unhappiness in lue of having a child and then pouring myself into raising it along side him - which wouldn't be the worst thing.
I can also see me building an amazing rig and experiancing independance with all its pros and cons; getting what I need from the experiance and then building my life around what ever comes. I'm very adaptable to extreme changes (I learned this during hurricane sandy)- but as for finding a mate as wonderful as Anthony; maybe I'll find someone more compatability or maybe I'll never find someone as great as him-
I'm just not sure I want to loose this love I cherish so much- it's not the change that scares me, it's loosing him.

Fear of loss holds me in place - even if I embrace change.

 

[cyndi]

Don't settle. You deserve to be happy. We all do. Any child you may have needs to learn not to settle and to be happy. We can't be happy with anyone else until we are happy with ourselves.

 

[Requ21]

It sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into satisfying both of you, and compromising. However it sounds like he values his comfort and life style very highly. It doesn't really sound like he puts much importance on your happiness, or fulfillment.. You mentioned that traveling, and adventuring made you feel that you were choosing you over him (your "us"). However, the fact that he won't compromise his fulfillment to help you obtain yours sounds to me that he is choosing himself, over you (again, your "us").

I've said all that to say this. When it comes to major life decisions, make sure your own happiness and satisfaction are the primary considerations.

I agree with, but won't echo what everyone else has said regarding trial basis, and short term trips to test the waters.

If buying a van/rv is viewed as "one foot out the door" by you; then causing you to stifle your wanderlust and desire to live unrooted is also one foot out the same door for him.


Good luck, the world is a big place.. it's a shame to be caged into one tiny piece of it.

Edit- don't let fear of loss keep you from experiencing life.. let fear of not experiencing life keep you from concern with loss.

Requ21.

 

[akrvbob]

I've brought up the purchase of a van, but to him it's one foot out the door. Even if I did manage to convince him, who's going to cook for him, do his laundry or fulfill the civic duties of his female counterpart in my absence? It's like we would be seperated, I stand corrected; it's not 'like' it 'is' that we would be seperated. Its not that he's incapable but I'm sure he's unwilling - and it's not like all the chores fall upon me either, but living for myself to presue my own goals and aspirations is pretty clear in and of itself. Essentially I'm choosing 'me' over him... 'us'.


I can see staying with him, eventually accepting my unhappiness in lue of having a child and then pouring myself into raising it along side him - which wouldn't be the worst thing. 

What you said raises so many ref flags it's truly frightening. My advice to you is not to walk away, it's to RUN AWAY AS FAST YOU CAN!!!

You're relationship is based solely on using each other and is doomed. 

Your fear of an unknown future is locking you into a barely acceptable present. At the end of your life, you will have nothing but regrets for staying with him. 

The wisest person I've ever heard of is Elizabeth Kubler Ross who spent her life with the dying. Sadly, for most people life is just a confusing blur until they are on their deathbeds, then suddenly it all becomes clear and oh so many are left only with deep regrets for a life never lived, only feared and run away from.

From her I learned to live every day in such a way that on  my deathbed I could look back on it with peace and smile and say, "Today is a very good day to die!"

She has dozens of quotes that are life changing, but this is the most important to me--and I think she is speaking directly to you:

[font=Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif]“It is very important that you only do what you love to do. you may be poor, you may go hungry, you may lose your car, you may have to move into a shabby place to live, but you will totally live. [/font]

[font=Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif]And at the end of your days you will bless your life because you have done what you came here to do. [/font]

[font=Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif]Otherwise, you will live your life as a prostitute, you will do things only for a reason, to please other people, and you will never have lived. and you will not have a pleasant death.” [/font]

[font=Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif]― [/font][font=Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif]Elisabeth Kübler-Ross[/font]http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1506.Elisabeth_K_bler_Ross

 

[CarCampire]

You got me there - but I make it seem worse than it is; he does spoil me from time to time. He's a good provider. I read so many articles about how true happiness can only be obtained with others. How ego pushes us to detach because it believes that we must 1st be strong alone in order to be strong with others. I see others with families and the smile the biggest and seem the most fufilled. I have no desire to push children until I'm absolutely sure I'm staying and I've even shy'd away from marriage so long it's a real eyebrow raiser these days.

My heart is attached, my brain is detached. It's a strange combo but even with such an open and sometimes even resentful mind, he gives me space when I need it and he's very kind- so it feels so wrong of me to dream like this when I'm so grateful for being lucky enough to have a mate like him.

I should mention that when we retire he has agreed to living in a tiny home- it's not mobile but it is small and I'd compromise...

I can almost feel the fear of loosing him writing this... it's so strong even though I know I can be strong alone- is it worth it to be strong for ones self and alone vs keeping the illusion for someone who accepts us with love?

 

[Requ21]

In my opinion (which isn't worth a lot)

No amount of "spoiling you" can make up for holding you back from seeking happiness and satisfaction in life.

Requ21

 

[SoulRaven]

I totally disagree with those that are saying you should be totally selfish and think of nobody but yourself. People who exercise that practice usually find themselves alone, lonely, bitter, and miserable in short order. So then with nothing better to do, they write a book to entice others into being as miserable as they are, because misery loves company.

Trading ones need for love for another need of travel, is only a half of a solution for either.

You know what you have now, and if you're significant other can't bring himself to compromise, then you have to be willing to accept that you may never again in your life be as happy as you are now, if you choose to leave, and there's no going back.

Life is a series of compromises, but I think taking a chance on compromising a loving relationship is one of the scariest, and certainly one of the biggest gambles.

 

[WriterMs]

Your long debates within your own heart and mind raised many red flags for me, too.

Any time I see a woman write "he won't let me" then I know that a HUGE obstacle is in HER sense of self. You repeatedly say what you are looking for is being independent yet almost all your words seem to say you have NOT staked out your independence as an individual within the relationship. If you are afraid of "loss" for being who you are, then it is not YOU that he wants in his life.

I'm sure I sound like psychobabble, but in my humble opinion, a relationship takes two individuals who choose to share a life; not one strong-minded individual and a being who is simply a "shadow" of his life. Could this be what you so desperately want to "run from?"

Another way I think Bob is on the money (pun sort of intended) is that you two seem to have a "use each other" relationship. When a reader here agrees with you that you need to break away, you go back to defending that "things are not that bad." When you write about reasons to stay, you SAY you love him but then you keep pointing out is how he is a good provider, spoils you, etc.

So, maybe what your heart really wants is a way to stand up and be yourself wherever you are. And right now, you do not see how to do that within the relationship you have. With this in mind, do you feel you are ready to do that "on the run?"

Why not find a way to camp for a week in the vehicle you have. See the section on living out of a car for ideas. As you make your plan, tell (don't ask) your partner that you need to get it out of your system to give a week alone a try. Plan for a week away, make your preparations and then go do it. See how it feels to be on your own "somewhere else."

 

[Requ21]

You know what you have now, and if you're significant other can't bring himself to compromise, then you have to be willing to accept that you may never again in your life be as happy as you are now, if you choose to leave, and there's no going back.

Life is a series of compromises, but I think taking a chance on compromising a loving relationship is one of the scariest, and certainly one of the biggest gambles.

I agree with Off grid's post. However this last section raised a flag.. something unpleasant to ponder, but absolutely plausible.

The statement that you may never again be as happy in life as you are right now, to me, appears to be a single sided view of a very complex issue.

First, you love your partner, and have for some time, but love isn't always a permanent thing. Couples married for decades wake up one morning and decide they are no longer in love, and call it quits. You can't assume that you'll always have the same feelings you have now, because they change.

Second, again on the statement of possibly never being as happy as you are right now. In a purely philosophical sense I disagree with the statement. Happiness isn't a side effect of a good job, a family, or a fancy house.. happiness is a choice that one must make everyday. You have to decide every morning that you are happy. Freedom in life will come from finding satisfaction and acceptance of the limitations with which your life contains.

I believe it was Aristotle who said that happiness is the settling of the soul into it's most appropriate spot.. maybe your soul's spot is on the open road, maybe it isn't... but no amount of planning or forethought can prepare you for life.. Each day is a dynamic chain of events unfolding before you. I don't believe life is a series of compromises as was said, but I do believe compromise is sometimes necessary.

I also agree that you shouldn't "only think of yourself".. I do however agree that you should think of yourself first, and let others come after. Aristotle also said that happiness depends on ourselves... don't count on others to bring happiness to you, reach out and grab it!

Requ21.

 

[compassrose]

... who's going to cook for him, do his laundry or fulfill the civic duties of his female counterpart in my absence?...

I thought you were his girlfriend, not his maid.

Run! Run as fast as you can! Stop "settling for..."

For cooking, cleaning and laundry, there are organizations for providing that (like Merry Maids). Check out craigslist, want ads etc. As for the sex, there are organizations for that too.