Seriously, so you want to be in love again...

[Minivanmotoman]

So, about love.
Appears to be much more views than comments on my other thread, and so maybe the title is appealing and deserves a deeper content?
Let's see if another more serious thread has any value.

There are many aspects to love, from internal emotions on to corresponding external realities.
For those reminiscing, some personal thoughts on to be in love again that might stir some more discussion.

I have been fortunate in my life, discovered, learned, savored, blinded by, lost, been foolish, assessed, been depressed, extended sadness, experienced, contemplated much, beyond the level of a country heartbreak tune. Like most of us have. All good things must come to an end.

And this is my current attitude and perspective.
If you can't be, with the one you love honey, love the one you're with. Sounds like a song, lol.

Sort of, but with a twist. If love isn't in the cards for the moment with a special someone, focus on a love for life, the moment, and those around at any moment in time. It's not about what you don't have/lost, but your attitude and focus with what you do have, experience, move forward with. 

 And for those negative people and situations, why bother? Move on as quickly as possible from Downers, life is too short and precious to waste. Or as I like to say, run like hell. Far away from, and towards better, more positive aspects of life and others.

Some have decided to become crotchety curmudgeons as they age and nothing but contrarian, difficult, jaded and negative. Someone I know would say to that, if I become that way, shoot me now! The truth in that always makes me laugh.

For those who are solo, how do you address the issue of love, attitude, focus and perspective? Or anything else?

Love is all we need. 
And a van, with unlimited boondocking.
And a motorcycle.

 

[John61CT]

Sometimes settling for a reasonable facsimile is the best we can do.

 

[Moxadox]

Many people in Western society get their intelligence about love from the silver screen. Love, according to the romantic model, should be passionate, tempestuous, unpredictable. It is something that happens to one, that one "falls" into. Being in love is intoxicating. It can cause all manner of pleasure and pain.

This is what we're pitched. But is movie-grade romantic love "the real thing?"

I lived for many years in a traditional society where arranged marriage was the norm. Couples are introduced by matchmakers who know the individuals well. There is no sex before marriage, in fact no touching at all! Very unlike our Western model where physical interaction drives the process. The marriages in my traditional society are built on mutual support and respect. Love develops from this. The couples grow strong together, with support from the community. It's not the movies. There is little drama. It's a love that lasts a lifetime. It's beautiful to see.

There are divorces, but surprisingly few. It's a different value system. Having grown up in the West with the movie-love system, I was very surprised to see that there is another way. I was too old to start over by the time I learned about love that grows from within, but maybe in my next life ;-)

The Dire Wolfess

 

[John61CT]

Love is not lust.

Love is not a feeling.

Love is your genuine desire to **do work** to help your beloved become the best person they can.

Happiness is an occasional byproduct, not a goal in itself.

And that's all I gotta say about dat.

 

[max+sophia]

Having lost my spouse, after a 59 year marriage, I've found by experience that replacement is impossible.

 

[Snowbirds on a Shoestring]

Happiness is an occasional byproduct, not a goal in itself.

And that's all I gotta say about dat.
[/quote]

Yup.


Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

 

[Dingfelder]

Some have decided to become crotchety curmudgeons as they age and nothing but contrarian, difficult, jaded and negative. Someone I know would say to that, if I become that way, shoot me now! The truth in that always makes me laugh.

For those who are solo, how do you address the issue of love, attitude, focus and perspective? Or anything else?

I decided to become that way by 30 at the latest.  The rest has been just gilding a very beautiful lily.

Your question is so broad, but implicit in it is that love is the thing that makes a healthy attitude, focus, and perspective possible.

I hope not.  Because then without love, for any length of time and whether by choice, accident or inattention, or tragedy, we are all more or less doomed.

And I would like to think we could find our way out of difficult situations and phases in life with or without another, perhaps first by coming to terms with ourselves so that the presence of another is a welcome boon, but the absence of another isn't a destructive, even crippling force in our lives.

After all, we all have to start from somewhere.  And hopefully not crushed flat or simply incapable ... with all the world agreeing ...

 

[Dingfelder]

Many people in Western society get their intelligence about love from the silver screen.  Love, according to the romantic model, should be passionate, tempestuous, unpredictable.  It is something that happens to one, that one "falls" into.  Being in love is intoxicating.  It can cause all manner of pleasure and pain.

This is what we're pitched.  But is movie-grade romantic love "the real thing?"

I lived for many years in a traditional society where arranged marriage was the norm.  Couples are introduced by matchmakers who know the individuals well.  There is no sex before marriage, in fact no touching at all!  Very unlike our Western model where physical interaction drives the process.  The marriages in my traditional society are built on mutual support and respect.  Love develops from this.  The couples grow strong together, with support from the community.  It's not the movies.  There is little drama.  It's a love that lasts a lifetime.  It's beautiful to see.

There are divorces, but surprisingly few.  It's a different value system.  Having grown up in the West with the movie-love system, I was very surprised to see that there is another way.  I was too old to start over by the time I learned about love that grows from within, but maybe in my next life ;-)

The Dire Wolfess

I strongly agree.  After many years spent with Asian friends, including adopted family members, I began to be able to wrap my mind around the values a different culture could have, and begin to understand and value them.  

Speaking about this can anger many western people.  So usually I don't.  Who needs the grief?  Why discuss something openly with people who don't even want to understand?

But I have come to admire an understanding of love that starts with respect and commitment rather than just an outburst of gonadal frenzy and a crazed hope for perfect harmony and resentment when it doesn't happen, as of course it almost never can.  And I admire enormously that a family does not always have to be thought of as only a single generation, but as a continuation of whatever love and hope might be .. and sacrifice, where called for.  And of course some is always called for, at least of decent people.

I don't think that there is only one way possible of falling in love or validating love, or that only one way of living is valid ... but I think -- and believe it is entirely natural -- that people can tend to discount to their own misfortune any traditions but their own, and forget how silly and unproductive many traditions can be.  My ideal world wouldn't be entirely Eastern as I understand it, but it sure wouldn't be entirely modern Western either.  We are drowning in movies and other fantasies that do nobody any good and set up unreal, destructive expectations, as well as a focus on the family as a single generation that undermines the very notion of family itself.

 

[Moxadox]

Love is not lust.

Love is not a feeling.

Love is your genuine desire to **do work** to help your beloved become the best person they can.

Happiness is an occasional byproduct, not a goal in itself.

And that's all I gotta say about dat.

Right on, John.

The Dire Wolfess

 

[John61CT]

There is nothing "Asian" about close-knit supportive multi-generational family units.

It is just that the modern industrialized capitalist transition toward

a life of rationalized greed, the quest for material riches at the expense of all other values

no real roots in a particular place

the abolishing of a true mutually supporting community

individualistic selfishness and smaller "family unit" isolation

has been operating for so many generations now in "the West" that we think that is just "how human society is", as if it's supposed to be that way.

Later economically "developed" (corrupted) cultures in "third world" countries that still have (remnants of) intact traditions from rural areas - including Latin America, Africa, not just Asia

seem full of "social wisdom" where people still care about / for each other more, put more effort into raising healthy successful kids, honour their elders, take care of parents, maybe still live together or at least nearby even if they don' have to.

It's not an ethnic or cultural difference, it's that our culture in the west has largely been wiped out by our brainwashed "need" to chase affluence and status.

And as those societies get "developed" their traditional values are getting wiped out too, those living in modern comfort in big cities have more in common with westerners than with the subsistence farmers in the countryside.

Those of us that value true communities, all now have to consciously construct our own if we want those values, and boy the modern world makes that challenging.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Sometimes settling for a reasonable facsimile is the best we can do.

Only if you choose to, I think now.
One can not control others, but we all have free will to focus and create, choose when, where and with who. Everyday.
Love, live in the moment.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

The Dire Wolfess
 
Thank you for the interesting post.
Love as idylic process, enraptured till eternity?
What's wrong with that? Reality. Lol.
But isn't it a wonderful goal  to strive for? To focus, maintain and nurture like a flower garden?

"The marriages in my traditional society are built on mutual support and respect.  Love develops from this.  The couples grow strong together, with support from the community.  It's not the movies.  There is little drama.  It's a love that lasts a lifetime.  It's beautiful to see."

Interesting thoughts and exposure to one of the worlds many varied cultures and practices.
Having never seen nor experienced the arranged marriage philosophy, I wonder if it isn't as much "projected" happiness as we have here as well. You know, keeping up appearances, or maybe, the power of self fulfilling prophecy in a culture. It is expected and accepted, thus everyone just gets inline because it's just the way it is, make the best of it. Of course, this is all painting a broad stroke and there are no doubt exceptions. Certainly part of the culture, including the caste system. Are newer generations maintaining this in general? 
And yet the Indian movie industry is built upon romantic dance films which might show a deep underlying yearning for natural selection romance as opposed to arranged?

It's a love that lasts a lifetime.  It's beautiful to see."
The skeptic in me questions if this is more idyllically romantic than it actually is.
But possibly my experience and Western reality just makes me blind to this and incapable of believing or comprehending that it can be? No drama and lasts a lifetime? Find that hard to believe, aren't we all human with differences and imperfections, no matter what the culture or system?
As an example, the way I was raised. I had no choice, but wouldn't say that I grew to accept it and couldn't be better. That I questioned, challenged and assessed it, did different and hopefully better. But I acknowledge my limitations of experience and capacity to understand what I do not know. I only know slum dog millionaire which is as close as I will probably every come. Love that film.

Without getting into philosophical generalization, what has been your own self experience(s), should you care to share?

Btw, if you're alive, never too old to try, start over, adapt, find new opportunities.
If you prefer, let me arrange something for you.
I know this great, retired librarian who would be a perfect fit, that you could grow strong together with.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Your question is so broad, but implicit in it is that love is the thing that makes a healthy attitude, focus, and perspective possible.

Yes, intentionally broad to stimulate conversation to see if there was a need to open up and communicate beyond the technical and tactical aspects of CRVL.

No, love alone doesn't make attitude, focus and perspective, but it can help or improve it, was my intention. Make/enhance, if needed, your attitude, focus and perspective loving, if that makes sense. Create internally and share, explore.
And to me, love starts with the right internal mindset that includes, kindness, patience, sharing and understanding, among many other things.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Love is not lust.
May I add, not just lust.

Love is not a feeling.
Would question this, isn't everything in life an emotional feeling? Especially love?

Love is your genuine desire to **do work** to help your beloved become the best person they can.
Yes, strive for mutual fulfillment.

Happiness is an occasional byproduct, not a goal in itself.
If one "chooses or accepts".
I would challenge all to strive for "creating" more happiness as opposed to settling for occasional or leaving to chance or random occurrence. Is that asking for too much?
Which brings up the interesting association, how much does happiness= love, or vise versa?

And that's all I gotta say about dat.
Uh huh, I highly doubt that. Lol.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

There is nothing "Asian" about close-knit supportive multi-generational family units.

It is just that the modern industrialized capitalist transition toward

a life of rationalized greed, the quest for material riches at the expense of all other values

no real roots in a particular place

the abolishing of a true mutually supporting community

individualistic selfishness and smaller "family unit" isolation

has been operating for so many generations now in "the West" that we think that is just "how human society is", as if it's supposed to be that way.

Later economically "developed" (corrupted) cultures in "third world" countries that still have (remnants of) intact traditions from rural areas - including Latin America, Africa, not just Asia

seem full of "social wisdom" where people still care about / for each other more, put more effort into raising healthy successful kids, honour their elders, take care of parents, maybe still live together or at least nearby even if they don' have to.

It's not an ethnic or cultural difference, it's that our culture in the west has largely been wiped out by our brainwashed "need" to chase affluence and status.

And as those societies get "developed" their traditional values are getting wiped out too, those living in modern comfort in big cities have more in common with westerners than with the subsistence farmers in the countryside.

Those of us that value true communities, all now have to consciously construct our own if we want those values, and boy the modern world makes that challenging.

Whoa there, the title is " Seriously, so YOU want to be in love again".
For those who wish to share personal thoughts and experiences.

Just simply, maybe ones own emotions of past, present and future love toward another and or ones life in general.
Love can have many different types, interpretations, experiences, approaches, etc.

Would be great if we could share real personal feelings and thoughts instead of general world and society assessment of others.
It's not about society and a white paper diatribe, but your emotions and how you personally relate to them. 
Think self assessment, not external judgement of others/society. 
But maybe that could be another interesting thread that many would be interested in.

 

[Dingfelder]

There is nothing "Asian" about close-knit supportive multi-generational family units.

It is just that the modern industrialized capitalist transition toward ...

By modern American standards, it's unusual and very far from the norm, especially to the level that, say, Chinese and Vietnamese and Koreans take it.  We could call it "traditional," which is not wrong, except that in America that tradition has largely expired.

 

[Dingfelder]

I think a further problem is that it takes a good amount of acceptance of oneself and the world around one, including the other people in it, to even begin to understand what happiness is. How can you seek it, or expect to find it in another or with another, if you don't even know what it is? How can you even know if you did find it?

Just as one particular aspect of this among many, it is possible to expect from people what they can't give, and then sort of, well, blame them for it. I think it isn't just dopey, but actually kind of cruel, in a way, to expect from someone what they cannot give, and then hold them accountable for your disappointment. And I think we've all seen this a lot.

If you really want your son to be a star in little league baseball but he's just not interested, is he at fault? And who should change, you or him? If you enjoy how smart your partner is, can you resent her for wanting to read a lot instead of watching TV talent shows with you?

If there is fault, it goes from the accusing finger, all the way back up the arm to you.

It's possible to go a lifetime without realizing how unfair one is to others.

 

[Dingfelder]

Whoa there, the title is " Seriously, so YOU want to be in love again".
For those who wish to share personal thoughts and experiences.

Just simply, maybe ones own emotions of past, present and future love toward another and or ones life in general.
Love can have many different types, interpretations, experiences, approaches, etc.

Would be great if we could share real personal feelings and thoughts instead of general world and society assessment of others.
It's not about society and a white paper diatribe, but your emotions and how you personally relate to them. 
Think self assessment, not external judgement of others/society. 
But maybe that could be another interesting thread that many would be interested in.

Whoa there, you did say "love."

And for many, love means the whole family, not just a couple.

It all feeds into itself.  For instance, if I love you but don't care about your family ... do I really love you at all?

And how much?

Is it fair for me to ask you to to shunt them off to the side?

This is a question every step-parent might ask or be asked.  Same goes for anyone with an elderly parent who needs some help.  Or just anyone with close family relations.  Values and responsibility are not things that are up in the ether or fit only for white papers.  They are foundational to the love between two people.

You can't really talk about love without talking about larger values, particularly family, if only to exclude them.

 

[John61CT]

By modern American standards, it's unusual and very far from the norm, especially to the level that, say, Chinese and Vietnamese and Koreans take it.  We could call it "traditional," which is not wrong, except that in America that tradition has largely expired.

What I said, but pointing out it's "traditional human" vs modern industrialized, nothing to do with ethnicity.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

@Ding,
Post I referred to, went on about society overall, wasn't excluding family if that is what it means to you, if, "seriously, you want to be in love again."
Wouldn't family/love be a whole other issue, thread, debate?

Ex.
" it's that our culture in the west has largely been wiped out by our brainwashed "need" to chase affluence and status."

Seriously, so you want to be in love...
The" be in love" phrase is often referred to in regards to an emotional state of one person or between two people starting or in a relationship and their emotions, thoughts and interactions. That was the spirit of which this thread was started. How an individual emotionally feels about it and his personal specfic experiences.

Just more interesting to keep on topic to the thread is my thought. Going on about society is another thread. Not trying to limit comments, but, society impacting your love, emotions and relationships is another thread topic.
No love in your life because of society, modern Western culture, or? Rap music to blame?
Ok, point for another thread I say.