Luisafernandes
Well-known member
Hey...what the heck, why not.
The last few days I've seen members post some nice writing. So here I am, reading it, and thinking why not let some of you "editors" : ) and good wordsmiths take a look at some of my writing and critique it. Why not?
So here's one chapter, edited just once I believe.
The story line has changed a bit since I first wrote this, but I like the characters and how the chapter turned out. You may think differently. So critique away.
[Edited by Moderator to fix formatting below]
Chapter 2
Special Agent C.K. Barton drove her government issued Crown Vic west on Glenn Highway into downtown Anchorage. A landscape, wild and free like no other lay before her, with the Chugach Mountains to the east and the Cook Inlet to the south, the city of lights and flowers looked post card perfect. Today however, the rain made for a gray and dreary mood; a mood not unlike her own. For starters the traffic was horrific; it seemed as if all three hundred and seventy four thousand area residents decided to come in at the same time. Then there was the case file she had been working on; a lot of mysteries but not much to show for yet, and then, there was Jonathan Strong. From the beginning her gut feeling told her he didn’t belong out in the field, unfortunately her superiors believed otherwise. Yes, a lot was on her mind this morning as she approached the red brick FBI office building.
C.K, as she liked to be called, parked the car in her assigned space, her knee high skirt exposing her legs slightly as she exited the vehicle. Out of the corner of her eye a slight movement caught her attention. Special Agent Elroy Harper leaned against a wall, staring her down with dark eyes, as if he could burn a hole right through her. She felt exposed. After what seem like minutes he turned and walked away. A chill run down her spine. This was not the first time she had noticed him eyeing her up and down. Weird. Then again this may require some checking into.
Her slender model good looks were always the attraction of the opposite sex, something that she didn’t mind so much as long as they respected her as equals, although with an IQ of one fifty five she was smarter than most men she ever came across.
She opened the door and went pass the elevators, turned right and bounded up the stairs; never one to pass up a change to keep in shape, besides, time was of the essence. At the top of the stairs, she turned right into a long hallway. Fluorescent lights gave the white walls and gray floor a harsh sterile look. She tried not to gaze at the stern faces accusing her trough glass frames. Titivate portraits of old dead people should be the last thing on her mind. She walked pass one old gentleman who seemed to say; “You are over your head little girl…” “Nonsense”, she thought.
“…you’re not being diligent enough to solve this case.”
She stopped and turned, a face she didn’t know stared back at her, the name underneath said; Special Agent-in-Charge Neville Castle, Juneau Alaska, nineteen hundred and twenty. “You don’t even know who I am!” the face said.
“Sir,” she paused to measure her words carefully, “I may not know who you are, and I know I should, but I swear to you this: I will close this file.”
“Agent Barton?”
C.K turned to face Man Morrison, SAC (Special Agent-in Charge), “the Man” as he was known at the Anchorage Division. All six two, two hundred and sixty pound frame stared at her through an opened door, amusement in his eyes. His gray hair and etched ebony face told of many hard working sleepless nights. Her face reddened. This would require some explanation.
“Sorry sir. Just thinking out loud.”
“Thinking is good, Agent Barton,” he held the door open and stood aside, “I do a lot of thinking myself. Please come in, we were just waiting for you.”
We?
One of the two chairs reserved for guests was already occupied. She took the one to the left and sat close to edge. She froze. Sitting on the chair next to her, cross legged with hands coming together forming a point on the chin, sneering with mysterious dark eyes, was Special Agent Harper.
“Hello Agent Barton…” smoothness oozed from his mouth, “…how nice to see you again.”
Morrison closed the door shut, “I see the two of you have met.” he said as he picked up a large folder. The SAC sat his rather ample body on a tall leather back chair behind his desk and eyed the two agents, his fingers weighing the contents of the file as he considered what to say next.
“Met is not the exact word I would use, sir.” She said through tight jaw.
“Well…let me formally introduce you then. Agent Barton, this is Agent Elroy Harper. Agent Harper is from our satellite office in Fairbanks. He’s been working on a highly sensitive case that may or may not be connected with yours, we’ll go over it in detail later. Agent Harper, this is Agent Barton. Harper, I know you had the chance to go over her file so you may have her at a disadvantage, still I expect the two of you to get well acquainted with each other’s cases over the next few days.”
“Sir…” C.K tried to object. “…I think I’m well capable of …”
“Look at this.” Morrison tossed the large file onto the edge of the mahogany desk.
“
…handling it with my own team.” Her eyes fell on the dossier. She leaned over to pick it up. Elroy’s dark beady eyes gawked her every movement with intent. Those slimy little orbs, any minute now and they are going to pop out and roll all over me. The file was thick and heavy and divided into many different sections; she picked one in particular marked – silver ship. Origin unknown - and browsed the first few pages.
She scrutinized them carefully, not realizing that her mouth was wide open. She pulled out another marked - Dr Marion T. Damien PhD, NewEarth Project - and swallowed hard. She had read about this doctor Damien and the NewEarth Project before. They were a group of geneticist and new age Wacko’s involved in some kind of bioinformatics technology back in the early sixties. She perused through the entire content, finding the whole thing packed with analogous subject matter.
"I must say,” She confessed, “that I’m well aware and informed on several of the subjects in this file, but…” “The Man” Morrison was studying her with kind inquisitive eyes; the same could not be said for Agent dark orbs.
“But…?” The Man” interposed.
“Sir, I must confess that some items picked my curiosity, and I look forward to study them farther. But…I don’t see what they have to do with my case, yet.”
“That’s where I come in C.K.” dark orbs’ spoken words came out smooth and creamy,
“You don’t mind that I call you C.K do you?”
“Please call me Agent Barton.”
“Fine. Agent Barton it is.” The smoothness in his voice was gone. “Give me forty eight hours with you, alone, and I will show you things you though impossible just ten minutes ago.”
“What?” this guy’ a bigger creep than I thought. Say that again and I’ll rip your guts out before you can lift a finger to touch me. You may look younger but I’ve trained for this my whole life, so, yeah… bring it on dark orbs.
“Please people; let’s keep it professional shall we.” The Man said as if reading her mind. “He’s right C.K, everything you believe in, everything you thought you knew, everything you cared for is about to be thrown away. This will blow your mind. I too had a hard time believing the first instance I laid eyes on that file. So give Elroy here a break, will you? He’s still young – twenty seven! Right?” he glanced at Harper who sat there grin faced.
“Twenty nine. sir.” His stare never left C.K.
“Twenty nine. That’s right.” Morrison smiled knowingly. “You have five years with the Bureau, four of which on this file alone.” He paused for a moment to make his ample body more comfortable. “C.K?”
“Yes sir.” She was startled for a brief moment.
“You’re doing more of that thinking of yours?”
“No sir. I mean, yes sir.” Get a hold of yourself Agent “I mean you’re right sir, the things I was able to just skim through are unbelievable, if true the whole world could be turned upside down. Who else knows about this?
Harper was about to answer when The Man softly interrupted with a heavy wave of the hand. “Only four of us, including you.” He said in a low voice, not wanting the flies on the wall to hear.
“May I ask who the fourth person is sir?”
“You may, but I can’t tell you.”
She forced herself to stare right into dark orbs as she asked the SAC, “He’s been on the force for five years? Yet he possesses such highly sensitive information capable of setting the world on fire!”
Beady eyes remained poker faced; just sitting there like that chair was the most relaxed place in the whole word. The Man, on the other hand looked slightly uncomfortable. Maybe he needs a better chair. The corners of her mouth slightly curled up.
“The reasons of how and why Agent Harper came into custody of such classified material is in-and-of-itself classified and irrelevant at this point. Your job Agent Barton is to use those famous brain cells of yours to figure out what they mean and how they can help solve your missing person mystery.” His kind eyes betrayed a stone-faced facade; The Man would not budge on this one.
C.K new there was more to it than Morrison wanted to let on, this was just too big, and now she was in the middle of it. And so was Harper. I’m going to figure you out, orbs, and when I do, one of us may not like what I find.
The last few days I've seen members post some nice writing. So here I am, reading it, and thinking why not let some of you "editors" : ) and good wordsmiths take a look at some of my writing and critique it. Why not?
So here's one chapter, edited just once I believe.
The story line has changed a bit since I first wrote this, but I like the characters and how the chapter turned out. You may think differently. So critique away.
[Edited by Moderator to fix formatting below]
Chapter 2
Special Agent C.K. Barton drove her government issued Crown Vic west on Glenn Highway into downtown Anchorage. A landscape, wild and free like no other lay before her, with the Chugach Mountains to the east and the Cook Inlet to the south, the city of lights and flowers looked post card perfect. Today however, the rain made for a gray and dreary mood; a mood not unlike her own. For starters the traffic was horrific; it seemed as if all three hundred and seventy four thousand area residents decided to come in at the same time. Then there was the case file she had been working on; a lot of mysteries but not much to show for yet, and then, there was Jonathan Strong. From the beginning her gut feeling told her he didn’t belong out in the field, unfortunately her superiors believed otherwise. Yes, a lot was on her mind this morning as she approached the red brick FBI office building.
C.K, as she liked to be called, parked the car in her assigned space, her knee high skirt exposing her legs slightly as she exited the vehicle. Out of the corner of her eye a slight movement caught her attention. Special Agent Elroy Harper leaned against a wall, staring her down with dark eyes, as if he could burn a hole right through her. She felt exposed. After what seem like minutes he turned and walked away. A chill run down her spine. This was not the first time she had noticed him eyeing her up and down. Weird. Then again this may require some checking into.
Her slender model good looks were always the attraction of the opposite sex, something that she didn’t mind so much as long as they respected her as equals, although with an IQ of one fifty five she was smarter than most men she ever came across.
She opened the door and went pass the elevators, turned right and bounded up the stairs; never one to pass up a change to keep in shape, besides, time was of the essence. At the top of the stairs, she turned right into a long hallway. Fluorescent lights gave the white walls and gray floor a harsh sterile look. She tried not to gaze at the stern faces accusing her trough glass frames. Titivate portraits of old dead people should be the last thing on her mind. She walked pass one old gentleman who seemed to say; “You are over your head little girl…” “Nonsense”, she thought.
“…you’re not being diligent enough to solve this case.”
She stopped and turned, a face she didn’t know stared back at her, the name underneath said; Special Agent-in-Charge Neville Castle, Juneau Alaska, nineteen hundred and twenty. “You don’t even know who I am!” the face said.
“Sir,” she paused to measure her words carefully, “I may not know who you are, and I know I should, but I swear to you this: I will close this file.”
“Agent Barton?”
C.K turned to face Man Morrison, SAC (Special Agent-in Charge), “the Man” as he was known at the Anchorage Division. All six two, two hundred and sixty pound frame stared at her through an opened door, amusement in his eyes. His gray hair and etched ebony face told of many hard working sleepless nights. Her face reddened. This would require some explanation.
“Sorry sir. Just thinking out loud.”
“Thinking is good, Agent Barton,” he held the door open and stood aside, “I do a lot of thinking myself. Please come in, we were just waiting for you.”
We?
One of the two chairs reserved for guests was already occupied. She took the one to the left and sat close to edge. She froze. Sitting on the chair next to her, cross legged with hands coming together forming a point on the chin, sneering with mysterious dark eyes, was Special Agent Harper.
“Hello Agent Barton…” smoothness oozed from his mouth, “…how nice to see you again.”
Morrison closed the door shut, “I see the two of you have met.” he said as he picked up a large folder. The SAC sat his rather ample body on a tall leather back chair behind his desk and eyed the two agents, his fingers weighing the contents of the file as he considered what to say next.
“Met is not the exact word I would use, sir.” She said through tight jaw.
“Well…let me formally introduce you then. Agent Barton, this is Agent Elroy Harper. Agent Harper is from our satellite office in Fairbanks. He’s been working on a highly sensitive case that may or may not be connected with yours, we’ll go over it in detail later. Agent Harper, this is Agent Barton. Harper, I know you had the chance to go over her file so you may have her at a disadvantage, still I expect the two of you to get well acquainted with each other’s cases over the next few days.”
“Sir…” C.K tried to object. “…I think I’m well capable of …”
“Look at this.” Morrison tossed the large file onto the edge of the mahogany desk.
“
…handling it with my own team.” Her eyes fell on the dossier. She leaned over to pick it up. Elroy’s dark beady eyes gawked her every movement with intent. Those slimy little orbs, any minute now and they are going to pop out and roll all over me. The file was thick and heavy and divided into many different sections; she picked one in particular marked – silver ship. Origin unknown - and browsed the first few pages.
She scrutinized them carefully, not realizing that her mouth was wide open. She pulled out another marked - Dr Marion T. Damien PhD, NewEarth Project - and swallowed hard. She had read about this doctor Damien and the NewEarth Project before. They were a group of geneticist and new age Wacko’s involved in some kind of bioinformatics technology back in the early sixties. She perused through the entire content, finding the whole thing packed with analogous subject matter.
"I must say,” She confessed, “that I’m well aware and informed on several of the subjects in this file, but…” “The Man” Morrison was studying her with kind inquisitive eyes; the same could not be said for Agent dark orbs.
“But…?” The Man” interposed.
“Sir, I must confess that some items picked my curiosity, and I look forward to study them farther. But…I don’t see what they have to do with my case, yet.”
“That’s where I come in C.K.” dark orbs’ spoken words came out smooth and creamy,
“You don’t mind that I call you C.K do you?”
“Please call me Agent Barton.”
“Fine. Agent Barton it is.” The smoothness in his voice was gone. “Give me forty eight hours with you, alone, and I will show you things you though impossible just ten minutes ago.”
“What?” this guy’ a bigger creep than I thought. Say that again and I’ll rip your guts out before you can lift a finger to touch me. You may look younger but I’ve trained for this my whole life, so, yeah… bring it on dark orbs.
“Please people; let’s keep it professional shall we.” The Man said as if reading her mind. “He’s right C.K, everything you believe in, everything you thought you knew, everything you cared for is about to be thrown away. This will blow your mind. I too had a hard time believing the first instance I laid eyes on that file. So give Elroy here a break, will you? He’s still young – twenty seven! Right?” he glanced at Harper who sat there grin faced.
“Twenty nine. sir.” His stare never left C.K.
“Twenty nine. That’s right.” Morrison smiled knowingly. “You have five years with the Bureau, four of which on this file alone.” He paused for a moment to make his ample body more comfortable. “C.K?”
“Yes sir.” She was startled for a brief moment.
“You’re doing more of that thinking of yours?”
“No sir. I mean, yes sir.” Get a hold of yourself Agent “I mean you’re right sir, the things I was able to just skim through are unbelievable, if true the whole world could be turned upside down. Who else knows about this?
Harper was about to answer when The Man softly interrupted with a heavy wave of the hand. “Only four of us, including you.” He said in a low voice, not wanting the flies on the wall to hear.
“May I ask who the fourth person is sir?”
“You may, but I can’t tell you.”
She forced herself to stare right into dark orbs as she asked the SAC, “He’s been on the force for five years? Yet he possesses such highly sensitive information capable of setting the world on fire!”
Beady eyes remained poker faced; just sitting there like that chair was the most relaxed place in the whole word. The Man, on the other hand looked slightly uncomfortable. Maybe he needs a better chair. The corners of her mouth slightly curled up.
“The reasons of how and why Agent Harper came into custody of such classified material is in-and-of-itself classified and irrelevant at this point. Your job Agent Barton is to use those famous brain cells of yours to figure out what they mean and how they can help solve your missing person mystery.” His kind eyes betrayed a stone-faced facade; The Man would not budge on this one.
C.K new there was more to it than Morrison wanted to let on, this was just too big, and now she was in the middle of it. And so was Harper. I’m going to figure you out, orbs, and when I do, one of us may not like what I find.
