How can this be considered "living?"

[GraceinMotion]

I'm in a bit of a quandry and am just expressing some thoughts here to see if anyone has nuggets of wisdom to share or just wants to commiserate. My priorities have changed and I'm trying to find a way to communicate this to someone I love and who I thought I was going to live out the "golden years" with.  I currently reside with an older sibling who retired a couple years ago. Her daily existence consists of sleeping (A LOT of sleeping), watching TV (A LOT of TV), eating, etc. On a weekend when I stay around the house, I often don't see her until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. When I get home from work, she's either watching TV or using some other electronic device. Most "conversations" usually revolve around a TV show and are typically one-sided because I don't see the point in talking about non-reality or aches and pains. She tends to be kind of a downer, anti-social, and doesn't get out much. We had talked about buying a house together when I retire, but I decided I do not want the financial burden and crave the freedom of the open road. Also, it seems we've become more distant since she retired, I think because she's sort of closed herself off from the world. She has adult children close by, so it's not like I'm abandoning her. I'm several years from retirement and need to come clean now about wanting to go my own way. She's well experienced with my wanderlust, so will ultimately understand, but I still feel bad that we won't be the companions I/we had hoped.

 

[Almost There]

Try to keep in mind that the first person you have to keep happy is YOURSELF!

I  had the same kind of situation but it was with a fairly short term partner. All my talks of travelling when we retired were met with a 'ok' and 'sure, whatever' but when serious discussion happened, he was perfectly happy parking his butt in one spot for the rest of his days. His vision of retirement was fishing, beer drinking and maybe some hunting mixed in there. We parted company not just because of the serious disparity in our visions of old age but for other reasons as well....mostly his current days were filled with - yep, fishing, drinking beer and maybe some hunting....  

Change the words for sleeping, watching tv and eating and you've got the same thing.

Best be open with her right now lest you find yourself the unhappy half owner of a home. Be prepared for her not to want to continue to live with her for the next few years - she might wake up and throw a hissy fit but better now than being a downer for the next few years.

 

[MrNoodly]

It's the life she wants.

 

[QinReno]

Grace, as I see it, you have a couple of years to work it out, so don't need to be in too much of a rush to push any sort of "ultimatum" prematurely. Maybe in 2 years your priorities will be different too, but given your current feelings, maybe best not to make any one-way ala irreversible decisions right now.

What you are describing is what I saw all of the time I was growing up, and into my 30s, and I decided I won't ever be that way. Retirement = an obligatory reclining chair, TV 16 hours a day, beer, and sports programs. The worst thing I ever saw was going to visit my sister's husband's parents, and all the father did the 3 days we were there was watch professional wrestling on TV. Oof.

We're grownups, and we all make our own choices. The one thing you don't hear *anyone* talking about around here is "reverting back to S&B", everyone only talks about the road to freedom. But from my observations of RVers outside of this forum, they tend to go on the road for 3 or 4 years and then go back to S&B.

Since your sister already knows about your wanderlust, you can keep the process going, and she'll get the message, I think. OTOH, a viable scheme is to do what I am doing. I have a small apartment as a home base, and am traveling as much as I can, and working towards 1/3 or more time on the road. So, even if you were to buy a house with your sister, you can still hit the road when it calls.

 

[WanderingCanuck]

You only get to do this once. Need I say more?

 

[DannyB1954]

If you have a vehicle, you can try weekend camping and see if it is something that you like.

 

[John61CT]

Divorcing a spouse is hard, but at least it's a clear well understood process.

Finding out other people are incompatible with what we need to be happy can be harder, as there is no standard ritual for "breaking up" with them.

Just start the transition toward what you want, fulfill your obligations as you see them, but never sacrifice your life for others just because you think they couldn't get by without you.

They can, and your declaring independence might just be what helps them find their own better road to fulfillment.

 

[QinReno]

Of course, everyone can make their own decisions, but the other thing that occurred to me is that, going into retirement is not the best time in life to take on substantial "long term" debt, like a mortgage. Especially if it eats up a significant amount of your income, to the point where your other options are limited, like travel.

Short of becoming full time travelers, some of us feel that retirement is the time to downsize everything, and live cheaper in the process. Why have the burden of a house and yard when all you're gonna do is sit home and watch TV? I shoveled snow and raked leaves for many years, now the condo HOA does all of that. Happy me.

 

[Canine]

You've lived long enough to have seen many times how people come and go. Lives change. For me that has been sad at times, but that is life.

You aren't making her live your life; hopefully, she won't try to make you live her life- I've had that happen a few times to lesser degrees.

Since you guys have discussed buying a house together, it would be good in a big way to let her know what you plan to do with your life sooner than later. She needs to plan her future, too. However, and be careful here, if you say you want to travel on your own in a few years, she may just "dump" you. I've had that happen with work. I have given two weeks notice then suddenly find myself without work for a couple of weeks. I could go on with example after example of a myriad of different relationships that I've had- girlfriends, high school friends, adult friends, coworkers, business relationships, etc., etc. People usually don't like it when you respectfully want to go your own way.

Sounds like she has fully embraced getting old. Couple that with people generally wanting you to do what they are doing and that can create conflict. Actually, I almost guarantee that will create conflict, but how much is the question. Am guessing since you are asking the question, you are expecting some potential serious conflict.

 

[Jack]

My post is based on the assumption that this is NOT a marriage, but that you are siblings, based on your OP which says:

My priorities have changed and I'm trying to find a way to communicate this to someone I love and who I thought I was going to live out the "golden years" with.  I currently reside with an older sibling...

As someone who's been a hermit for the last 10+ years, and based on the fact that I help several single elderly folks in my apartment building, I can tell you that when a person is a shut in, their home/apartment becomes their world.  It's all they know, hence her unrelatable conversations about TV programs, etc.,  The longer they're in this state of mind, the harder it is to come out of it.  Honestly, I almost didn't make it.

With that said, you can't put your life on hold for the sake of someone else.  I've done that, too.  The guilt for "abandoning" the other person is so hard to get over!  But I had to realize that I don't just exist to help other people.  My life matters, too.  I had to learn that it's perfectly okay to want more; to have dreams and goals and that pursuing them is NOT selfish.  

We alone are responsible for the choices we make.  Choices have consequences and we're responsible for those, too.  So, for the first time in over a decade, I chose to LIVE again.  I dreaded the conversations that needed to happen with those I've been helping!  But, I had to have them, if for no other reason than to prepare them (with advanced notice) that I intend to leave sometime within the next year.  Oddly enough, they understood completely and were excited for me to have a dream of my own!  So, all that wasted guilt I had for "abandoning" these people was just that... a waste of time, energy and emotions.  (The consequences of my choice to feel guilty.)

I relate to your post as much as possible even though it's not about a sibling, it's about people I still love and care about.  I understand and empathize with how difficult it is to be in that position.  But, from me, and all those I had to have the conversation with... live your life.

 

[rm.w/aview]

..... I still feel bad that we won't be the companions I/we had hoped.

This resonating comment could be the root of your discomfort, and though most of these comments are good ones, Jack's may speak your truth here. Having a predisposition of how things should or could be should also include being ready for disappointment. We all have our own veil through which we look at life, and along with similarities among us there are also vast differences.

 

[Dingfelder]

We can't expect too much from any one person, it seems to me, because everyone is different and who could even guess all our many and changing needs and cater to all our many and changing moods? And how much are they obligated to satisfy us in the first place? Unless we are completely dependent on someone doing a specific thing for us, and doing so is something they knowingly signed up for in advance, it's best to just appreciate people for what they are and expect that what you see is what you get. If that's not good enough, it's time to move on.

I don't think we can rely on others too much for our happiness. They just do what they can and are who they are, and maybe sometimes we find a match. Usually a match in only one or two ways, at best.

Like, these are the friends I play tennis with, this is the aunt who likes sewing as much as I do, this is the uncle I can talk about history and politics with (and this is the one I should never talk history and politics with!). Nobody can fulfill every need.

Perhaps that older sibling finds you just as unsatisfying as you find him/her. Neither of you being either right or wrong ... just needing different things. It's kindest not to expect too much and very fair to move on to get your needs met elsewhere. Often staying and expect from people what they cannot give you disappoints them as much as you, because they might want to be what you need and just can't be. Don't remind them, I say. Let their good points be the basis of how you relate to each other, and skip the rest as a mercy to you both.

 

[travelaround]

You could tell your relative that before you settle down with her, you want to spend some time traveling. You're not getting any younger and this is the time to travel before it gets to the point where you can't. (That's how I feel about it, anyhow.)

Maybe someday there will be a time when you're more elderly, when you would be happy settling down with her, but if you have a desire to travel, this is the time to do it, as soon as you're able to retire.

I'm suggesting this approach to breaking the news to her so she won't see it as a rejection but more as something you feel compelled to do while you're still able.