Men and their feelings or lack there of

eDJ_ · Dec 13, 2024

Women are often put off by what they often refer to as "Macho Rigidity". Men often don't understand why people are criticizing their lack of showing or voicing their feelings. (aren't feelings a "woman thing" ?) But in the matters of the heart one's feelings and even being in touch with them are an important asset for being able to establish any kind of relationship.

When I saw this article I thought I'd post it here as it could contribute something to the "Matters of the Heart" section of this Forum. Too often guys learn to be living "Transformer Toys" and it owes to the upbringing and societal roles of what are expected of them. Girls get clues from Disney Princess movies and Romance Novels and it all leads later to dysfunctional relationships. And often repeated with their offspring.

Generally men have a best friend or a small group of "guys" they hang out with, and a large group of other guys they "know" casually. While the women have a circle of friends that they are close with but not a large network of other women they "know"....(like the men).
At least this has been my observation.

I'm not posting this to demean men but I see post here so often with guys asking how to go about connecting with a love interest. So I suggest reading this article as a start. Growing up as a "Super Hero" or "Warrior" is a notion that needs to be left behind in childhood. Similarly being a "Femme Fatale perpetual Damsel in Distress" or a "Disney Princess" rejecting
opportunity after opportunity (out of pride, ego, or fear) will leave you looking at the last days of December on your Calendar and realizing, "Well, nothing happened this year".

This article is from 2019 Harper's Magazine:

Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden

abnorm · Dec 13, 2024

Awwwww........................Does DJ need a HUG ?

eDJ_ · Dec 13, 2024

LOL, Only from the right Hugger

INTJohn · Dec 13, 2024

Ohh ma gosh! I’m so glad I have 2 hands so 1 can hold my shirt!

tx2sturgis · Dec 13, 2024

FEELINGS? Whazzat?

eDJ_ · Dec 13, 2024

Since there seems to be an absence of women replying to any of this I guess it underscores an earlier post of mine:

Choosing to be Single and on the Road

eDJ_ · Dec 13, 2024

eDJ_ · Dec 13, 2024

when your pet seems to define your dating life

mikeabike · Dec 14, 2024

I'm afraid you girls may always have us beat on the feelings thing. You have the complete original set of chromosomes, ours is missing a leg or two. You have everything we have and more. That's why it's easy for you to understand men, but sometimes difficult for us to understand you. But I try

Queen · Dec 14, 2024

mikeabike said:
I'm afraid you girls may always have us beat on the feelings thing. You have the complete original set of chromosomes, ours is missing a leg or two. You have everything we have and more. That's why it's easy for you to understand men, but sometimes difficult for us to understand you. But I try

I think hormones do play a roll in it, I’m a fairly emotional woman but when I was in my late 30’s and weight lifting pretty hard a product call andro came out, I didn’t know what all it was about but it was supposed to boost muscle production. Well, turns out it did but it did it by boosting testosterone production, within a week I started feeling less inclined to cry and much more inclined to fight… no clue how you fellas live with that 24/7.

mikeabike · Dec 14, 2024

mikeabike said:
I once read somewhere that the cur

I once read somewhere that the scientific community thinks the female of the species pre-dates the male by about 10,000 years. This seems to indicate 3 possible explanations. One, the environment got harsh and a new mutation was needed to deal with it. Two, the female was slipping into terminal lassitude and something was needed to "court and spark" her. Three, the male of the species is simply a mistake, an aberration.

Tony's Dream · Dec 14, 2024

Human beings all have the ability to cry and hug, but it's up to each person to whether or not they do. I think a fake hug is just as bad as no hug at all. I have attended funerals and never cried a drop, but I have seen a movie that made my eyes water. I believe in the men are from Mars and woman are from Venus idea for some time. It only gets complicated when we try to travel to the other planet. Men act on their feelings and woman call us dogs. Yet a woman wants to act on those same feelings, but doesn't......and somehow it's our fault?

Morgana · Dec 14, 2024

Tony's Dream said:
I think a fake hug is just as bad as no hug at all.

It's worse! cuz then you're stuck either faking along or looking like you're the hostile one.
My other pet peeve is people who act all hale-fellow-well-met as long as they're the person who starts it, but if you see them first and you start acting friendly, they're all "why is this person talking to me?"

Save the plastic mushy stuff and just be yourself already.

eDJ_ · Dec 14, 2024

^^^

Agreed Tony. It seems you hear a lot more about misogynist than you do misandrist

Lately on TV I've seen middle aged men standing teen boys together while making them swear an oath to not abuse women. (given how so many executive level officials have been called out for sexually harassing women)

A misogynist is a person who hates women. Misogyny is the hatred, contempt, or prejudice against women or girls. It can also refer to social systems or environments where women are treated with hostility or hatred.

I agree that there are women who "game" men and then try to act like angels.
(in the 70's & 80's when Hellen Gurley Brown operated Cosmopolitan Magazine, it sort of became a Playboy magazine for women....and a college for misandrist)

But as you say, "men act on their feelings" where women sense that they are second class to men's feelings.

But as the two genders (binary) have to interact it's going to require both genders to be more aware and in touch so they can find common grounds and be "functional" together. (Or otherwise each living in their own world and continuing to wonder why it always has to be that way.....especially during the holidays when so many are trying to appear happy when they aren't.

LargeMarge · Dec 15, 2024

eDJ_ said:
Women are often [nobody cares]...
When I saw this article [by a bunch of inner-city sissies]... reading this article...[for sharts and giggles]..."Well, nothing happened this year [and that was just the way I planned it]."

This article is from [aforementioned MainStreamMedia sissies]:

Men Have (the strongest relationships and why would anybody care)

.
Now, I state clearly for the record, I have nothing against inner-city sissies.
So, each time somebody asks me "What are you doing about (insert latest female pearl-wringers hand-clutchers life-threatening urgent emergency issue du Jour)...?"
.
My response:
* [tries really hard to generate some acceptable level of interest, realizes that would just be another reaction for the adrenaline rollercoaster]
"Sure."
[goes back to puttering in the garden and playing with the dogs]
.
This pretty much sums it up:
.

.
.
[edited to add]
Story Time:
Last month on garbage-truck day, some whackadoodle daffydill was dumping trash all over the neighborhood.
A straight female came walking by, glaring at me to help that poor deranged waste of good air.
My response, opening the verbal segment of our conversation:
* "Drugs are bad."
Her reaction:
* "It could be mental illness..."
Me, closing the conversation:
* "Not my job."
.
And as I said those words, I saw a tremendous weight lift off her shoulders with an accompanying sigh of relief.
Me, erroneously presuming she learned a valuable lesson about minding her own business, thought:
* 'well, I fixed her, permanently and for all time'.
Sure, LM, sure.

rruff · Dec 15, 2024

Queen said:
Well, turns out it did but it did it by boosting testosterone production, within a week I started feeling less inclined to cry and much more inclined to fight… no clue how you fellas live with that 24/7.

Thank you though for acknowledging something that is super obvious and yet doesn't fit the "gender-wars" "men are terrible, stupid, useless" "toxic masculinity" "evil patriarchy" meme. But I'm pretty sure you still don't know what it's like... men typically have 15x the amount of testosterone as women.

The long history of humans has been very violent. Violence unfortunately works very well since we are apparently mortal and can be killed and hurt, along with all those we love.

Natural selection has made men vicious rage monsters, to be the protectors of the women and children. We will naturally sacrifice our lives when necessary to achieve this... and as the good book says "there is no greater love than this". It's ok, because we are expendable, while the women are much more important. This is just the real world folks! Maybe not the social construct we are currently "enjoying" at all, but we've evolved in the real world.

Over and over throughout history, men do the protecting, as well as the rape, kill, pillaging. This sucks frankly, but it's a natural consequence of the material world. The idea that we can "solve" this by getting rid of the men, or "turning them into women" is absolutely idiotic. I'm sure this has been tried many times in periods of peace because it makes sense then, and it failed for obvious reasons. When the marauding hordes came, it was better to have some well prepared rage monsters on your side...

I think we should all take a moment to appreciate this period that we've been alive in, with so much prosperity and freedom and safety! It may be ending soon...

We men are usually very good at keeping our emotions in check when necessary. Letting rage run in polite society is so dangerous and completely not socially acceptable, that we are thoroughly trained and indoctrinated (and naturally selected) to keep a lid on it. Unfortunately, it's much easier to repress emotions in general rather than selectively, hence the lack of "feeling" that is common among men.

Women on the other hand have always had the very important job of bearing and raising children, so empathy and nurturing come naturally to them. The emotions that they experience most acutely are generally not dangerous at all, and they are consequently much freer to express them.

Men are so repressed that most I've talked to claim to have never experienced rage! Well, I didn't either until I started opening up and exploring that deep well were all sorts of things get hidden... then I got access to rage too. It's like a super power if you can control it, but like I said before, potentially very dangerous.

Queen · Dec 15, 2024

rruff said:
Thank you though for acknowledging something that is super obvious and yet doesn't fit the "gender-wars" "men are terrible, stupid, useless" "toxic masculinity" "evil patriarchy" meme. But I'm pretty sure you still don't know what it's like... men typically have 15x the amount of testosterone as women.

The long history of humans has been very violent. Violence unfortunately works very well since we are apparently mortal and can be killed and hurt, along with all those we love.

Natural selection has made men vicious rage monsters, to be the protectors of the women and children. We will naturally sacrifice our lives when necessary to achieve this... and as the good book says "there is no greater love than this". It's ok, because we are expendable, while the women are much more important. This is just the real world folks! Maybe not the social construct we are currently "enjoying" at all, but we've evolved in the real world.

Over and over throughout history, men do the protecting, as well as the rape, kill, pillaging. This sucks frankly, but it's a natural consequence of the material world. The idea that we can "solve" this by getting rid of the men, or "turning them into women" is absolutely idiotic. I'm sure this has been tried many times in periods of peace because it makes sense then, and it failed for obvious reasons. When the marauding hordes came, it was better to have some well prepared rage monsters on your side...

I think we should all take a moment to appreciate this period that we've been alive in, with so much prosperity and freedom and safety! It may be ending soon...

We men are usually very good at keeping our emotions in check when necessary. Letting rage run in polite society is so dangerous and completely not socially acceptable, that we are thoroughly trained and indoctrinated (and naturally selected) to keep a lid on it. Unfortunately, it's much easier to repress emotions in general rather than selectively, hence the lack of "feeling" that is common among men.

Women on the other hand have always had the very important job of bearing and raising children, so empathy and nurturing come naturally to them. The emotions that they experience most acutely are generally not dangerous at all, and they are consequently much freer to express them.

Men are so repressed that most I've talked to claim to have never experienced rage! Well, I didn't either until I started opening up and exploring that deep well were all sorts of things get hidden... then I got access to rage too. It's like a super power if you can control it, but like I said before, potentially very dangerous.

I was a cop and then a firefighter/medic in my youth (late 70’s/mid 80’s), I worked almost exclusively with men, and while I still prefer the company of women, men hold up the other half of the sky so no need to pretend you guys don’t exist or that you’re the same as us. After my experience I realized we’re all at the mercy of our hormones, which, thank all that is holy, wane as we age. Almost all the folks I know who are 60 or older are far calmer than when we were young, it’s a welcome change.

rruff · Dec 15, 2024

Queen said:
I realized we’re all at the mercy of our hormones

I think men are generally much better at keeping hormonal and instinctive drives in check, because they've always had to during times of peace. The ones who fail will generally end up dead or in jail most of their lives.

Historically a woman's drives are dominated by having children and raising them, and all the things that go along with that. I'm pretty sure the only time (whole world, all times) those drives have been subverted, is very recently in developed societies.

twomountainlions · Dec 15, 2024

rruff said:
I think men are generally much better at keeping hormonal and instinctive drives in check, because they've always had to during times of peace. The ones who fail will generally end up dead or in jail most of their lives.

Not really....men are completely driven by their hormones, just different effects than estrogen.
Men are so ridiculously dependent on women's attention and competitive drive and aggression, all of this is a result of hormones.
Men and women are both mostly driven by hormones and instincts, just like deer. Most career pursuits are merely attemps to gain money, status or notoriety to attract women, even though people won't admit it openly, going to the gym, buying expensive vehicles, figting wars, etc. Same as in chimp pack competition essentially.

eDJ_ · Dec 15, 2024

In the mid 70's when Feminism was quite the thing for so many women, Dr Herb Goldberg published a book as he was counseling so many men with similar problems that he thought a book would be helpful for men in general. It was titled:

Hazards of Being Male....Surviving the Myth of Male Privilege

I read it and thought it made a lot of sense. I've seen much of what he describes in the book. The link is to a free to read pdf if anyone wants or isn't afraid to read it.

Men and their feelings or lack there of

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