What My Parents Think

[user 29503]

I'm a 40 year old that became stranded at my folks house when COVID hit.  I relocated from out west and with the Virus, wasn't sure about how safe it was to go out and sign a lease (if I got laid off and couldn't pay rent I thought that'd be a problem).  During this time I discovered van dwelling, loved it, and took the plunge: I bought a van while I've been working life dominating factory jobs.  Again, I felt that signing a lease was not practical, as I'd planned to get to a certain financial mark, quit, build, and go.

I just quit my job to begin building.  My situation is what it is, I have no anonymity, and had to break the news to my family that van dwelling was what I wanted to do.   To be honest, I'm not planning on it being a permanent deal, I'm going to travel a good length of time and see how it feels.  I've explained that.  I've explained that I'm completely covered financially.  I've told them I'm going to work on the road even before I run out of money gas/food money.  I've explained the work opportunities out there (the Amazon opportunity was included).

They are not exactly the most open minded people in the world to begin with and I've made a couple mistakes in life to make them worry.  It is INCREDIBLY heavy in the house.  There's melancholy, worry, and skepticism.  They are elderly and it hit one of them in a way that provoked empathy from me, because I could tell they couldn't understand. They are troubled and concerned. 

I feel guilt and shame.  Should I?  Am I being selfish and hurting them? Am I committing work history suicide? (an almost unrelated question, but that's what one thinks).  I've watched hundreds of videos on van dwelling and I see these younger people who's dads are even going as far as to help them build their van out, one literally built the whole thing for his daughter.  I see married couples quitting their jobs, building and leaving, I'm sure at least a couple of that demographic have parents too, right? Then, on the reverse, there are older people, who have kids somewhere, who are subscribing to van life, I'm sure those children will miss them or have feelings about it.

If I've posted this on the wrong topic I apologize, but....some guidance please?  Do I need to call this off for the sake of them?  Though there's a generation gap, they are good people and have been giving, and loving parents.

 

[WanderingRose]

If you’re not harming or taking from anyone else, not leaving anyone in the lurch or running from unpaid debts, etc., your decisions and your life are your own, right?

Perhaps make an agreement with them to check in every week or whatever will work for you, take pictures with your phone of where you are and send them, etc.

I have a tracker on my phone for those I choose to access it, where they can look at it at any time and see exactly where I am.

Be kind to them, be responsible about doing what you say you’re going to do, and they should adjust over time.

Good luck.

 

[mattvei]

Ditto WanderingRose post. The big point of parenting is to raise self sufficient, responsible adults - not hang on to them. If you make it clear you're not abandoning them, but seeking your own way and follow thru on maintaining the relationship they'll eventually adjust, Famous lyrics from an Eagles song Already Gone - "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains And we never even know we have the key". That has always resonated with me,

 

[user 29503]

If you’re not harming or taking from anyone else, not leaving anyone in the lurch or running from unpaid debts, etc., your decisions and your life are your own, right?

Perhaps make an agreement with them to check in every week or whatever will work for you, take pictures with your phone of where you are and send them, etc.

I have a tracker on my phone for those I choose to access it, where they can look at it at any time and see exactly where I am.

Be kind to them, be responsible about doing what you say you’re going to do, and they should adjust over time.

Good luck.

I know that sounds pathetic, a 40 year old living with his parents overly concerned about what they think.  It's just when I saw one of them have to do a double take, and ask me again, like it earthquaked the synopsis in their brain, it tugged on my heart strings quite a bit.  There's a substantial generation gap between my brother and I and them.  We're children of a second marriage.  In homage to your advice, I will say at meal time it's more an awkwardness, than anger.  They're still trying to process it.  I thought of making them a map with thread for all the places I'm stopping, but I get your general advice.  Thank you.

 

[user 29503]

Ditto WanderingRose post. The big point of parenting is to raise self sufficient, responsible adults - not hang on to them. If you make it clear you're not abandoning them, but seeking your own way and follow thru on maintaining the relationship they'll eventually adjust, Famous lyrics from an Eagles song Already Gone - "So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains And we never even know we have the key". That has always resonated with me,

Thank you mattvei.  I will take both your advice.  I will also ensure they understand it's about walking my path forward, not loitering at the beginning/end of it.  Safe travels.

 

[eDJ_]

I can understand your plight.  I've known a number of people I grew up with who (more due to divorce)  wound up back home for awhile.   It's an easy trap for Parents to fall into to want to reclaim "their child" who is way past childhood. Then depend on the "child" depending on them.  For some empty nest Parents it can be a worrisome if not frightening time if they haven't planned for their empty nest phase.

There is such thing as a "Family Life Cycle".  When adult offspring have to move back in due to circumstances it can upset the course of that cycle.

If we are being honestly informed about Covid winding down and industry picking up and hiring now,  it may be time to fire up the Van and go job hunting.  Then let mom and dad prepare for that last and most frightening phase of the Family Life Cycle....the fact of one of them passing on.  Still, they could both live into their 90's as people today are living longer.  (if they lived another 30 years and you stayed with them you could be 70 when they are gone and then what would you do) 

Today there is all kinds of free education available online.  Some of it could prepare you to work online from your rig as you travel looking for work.  If you find work you will have some choices, such as getting a sticks & bricks place (where you could still work some online to supplement your income),  if you don't care for that job or learn of a better job you could continue living and working from your rig and traveling in search of a better life. while enjoying your independence. 

There is insurance that can be put in place to look after the elderly if they become infirm and that may be an option that can be purchased for your folks. This could solve a lot of problems before they would occur.  (again if you have online skills you could make a living with then you could if necessary be with them and work from the their home if it was necessary)

Education & Skills needed to work online from your rig,  is a thread I put together to help during this Covid pandemic.

In the first signature link "Van Conversion"  below, there is a page titled, "My Own Story".  It is about how I used my rig to go find work and build the career I wanted.  You are welcome to read it and maybe you could replicate some of what I did.  There are jobs for those who travel, do their assigned work, and make reports back to HQ online.  

The Family Life Cycle is explained in a link below.

Good Luck & Best Wishes with this.

Education & Skills needed to work online from your rig
https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=40960
https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=40960My Own Story
https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=40960
https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=40960Family Life Cycle

 

[user 37446]

We have a strange culture as far as most of the rest of the world is concerned. The Pacific Islanders, Africa, Asia and most of S America all tolerate or encourage multi-generational family members in the household. Only parts of Europe and N America are so big on "independance" and "adult kids need to stay out." Then there's the parental guilting of "We/I didn't have a successful kid" or such. "Boomerang kids" is a negative phrase in our society, not so in others.

I've been amazed by the # of SE Indians (India, Pakistan) who emigrated, had 2 or 3 generations living in the same large home, then went on in a few years to buy up property all around, creating enclaves. Worked for them.

 

[maki2]

Unless they are doing a lot of verbalizing of fears for you I would not be overly concerned. People need time to absorb and adapt. Sounds to me like they are in 1st phase of scceptance of the change in your life and in theirs.

I dont know if we ever reach an age when we truly quit wishing for our parents complete approval of what we do in our lives. However dont focus so much on unconditional approval of all your choices, just accept that they have unconditional love for you that will endure through and even despite your various personal choices. Approval seeking from parents when you are an adult is a stiffling behavior. That is something you could resolve through some self help book reading. Stay close and loving but don't worry so much about total approval.

My mother bought a travel trailer in her 50s and loved going out on her own in it. My father did travel for his job. I left home and moved to Alaska when I was 19 and they did not bat an eye about my choice to do so. My son and his wife did full time travel for the last 5 years. bought a van years before that happened as well as a small RV. His father has been camping all his life. So our personal family history does not see such behavior as being odd, dangerous etc. It is more about, "have a good time, stay safe and keep in touch".

 

[crofter]

It may help to remind them of fun camping trips that were their idea. And also be open to discussing their fears.

Maybe the fears turn out to be that you will not be around for them. Whole different issue.
-crofter

 

[RoamerRV428]

Sorry on your situation but you are having guilt/abandonment type issues leaving your 'older parents' and they are not wanting to see ya go either so.....ugh but I get it LOL

Go now. Go while they are healthy and have each other and you don't have any 'caregiver issues' right now.

This is your time. Cause if and when they have troubles, you might have to return if you feel the need to help and more and then your time is not your own at all.

Go while you can!! Do like others said, set up face time with them, email pics of where you are at and 'take them on the adventure' with you and that will give them some sense of your enjoyment of it, your safety factors and more....but I tell ya, go while you can!

 

[user 29503]

I've thought of that too.  Thank you for reinforcing it.

 

[user 29503]

It may help to remind them of fun camping trips that were their idea. And also be open to discussing their fears.

Maybe the fears turn out to be that you will not be around for them. Whole different issue.
-crofter

I will.  I find it ironic that one watches all the Alaskan reality shows, especially life below zero.  Though somewhat different of a life style, the same drive for individual sovereignty and  adventure is there, and they watch it religiously every Tuesday.  Also, van dwelling can be as dangerous, but they should feel comfort knowing that I have the advantage of turning the key and going somewhere safer.  That I have two heat sources, free water, and a more available income source.  Anyway, I get your point, thank you very much.