Van Dwelling for personal development:

[karen]

Hi all.

I wonder if this might resonate with anyone.

As I grew up I learned to distrust and avoid people. I spent 25+ years as a virtual shut-in. Out for food, or when I work (off/on) and that is about it. I was (and perhaps am still) borderline agoraphobic, and that was just how reality was for me.

Today I have done a lot of work on my fears, and I can see that I am not afraid of people but rather that I am afraid of my own reactions to people: you know - what I said or didn't say, or what I did or didn't do - all the what ifs. I simply need practice being with people. I need to learn to say no to people and I need to learn to let go of people who aren't emotionally supportive (like my boyfriend of 8 years).

As much as I know I need to get out, I just cannot seem to break free of my habit of just staying inside and watching TV to cope. I still only go out for food, or go out with my boyfriend (seems easier to orbit someone else). I haven't any friends.

So enter van dwelling.

With other habits that I've overcome in the past it always starts with not having it around. Like quitting soda - stop bringing it home is rule one. If I wanted to get more exercise - get rid of my chair and stand up most the time. And if I were living in a van, I would be forced by the confinement to get out and go to a park, or Starbucks or whatever.

This is one of the reasons (among many) that I wouldn't want a large RV. And I'm even thinking that I shouldn't even get a high top van - that way I'd go out of my skull trying to spend days on end in a standard van - I'd have to get out.

I don't expect miracles or whatever. Growth is like peeling an onion. When you peel one layer there is another layer under that. But if you do not peel off the top layer, you will never experience what lay beneath. Or rather I won't.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[koni]

It sound like you have already come a long way. Understanding is half the battle. I think your on the right track with your thoughts.&nbsp;<br>For long term, I think, a high top would work out better. You will still want to get out.<img src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" class="emoticon bbc_img">

 

[psytechguy]

One of my reasons for wanting to adopt the RV/van lifestyle is to push myself out of my comfort zone and actually get out into the world more. <br><br>The "wake up, go to work, come home" routine has cased me to become a bit isolated in the past few years and I often find myself thinking that there must be more to life. That in itself is reason enough to make the change!<br><br>good luck in your journey!<br><br>

 

[MrNoodly]

The idea of vandwelling spoke to me immediately, in part because I'm a rather solitary person. It's not that I dislike other people or have trouble being around them. I just prefer solitude. So living alone with no roots? No problem.<br><br>But if reclusiveness isn't making a person happy, then by all means take steps to change things. I agree with going at a pace that doesn't freak us out too much, but sometimes we just need to dice the hell out of that onion. Or maybe we should forget about the onion and grab a peach instead. Mmmmmmm, peaches.<br><br>There's a book that had a big influence on my approach to life. "The Tao of Pooh." You don't need to be into Taoism to appreciate it. It's about how we often spend life trying to mimic other people's lives, trying to attain other people's goals, trying to reach other people's happiness. But that leads to confusion, conflict and unhappiness. The trick, instead, is to discover our true selves and live in ways that fit us individually. Once we do, life works better and we can find peace and contentment. Otherwise, we struggle up the wrong trail and there's no satisfaction at the top of the mountain.<br><br>So, Karen, maybe part of your process is to figure out whether the need for change is coming from your true self or if it's in reaction to what the rest of the world expects from you. Whatever the answer, I hope you (and everyone else) find greater happiness.

 

[karen]

Thanks MrM and OpenMinds! I too have been interested in eastern philosophy. I'm my case the greatest influence has been "I AM That" by Nisargadatta Maharaj.

Yes about balance. In my search (what others called a spiritual search but I don't call it spiritual - I call it actual - gotta be real) I learned to not regret my years in social avoidance. How am I to know that this didn't in fact save my life. In those years I had not the discernment or the sence of self respect needed to say no and to trust the right people. I was raised by a television and a sociopathic older brother my while my parents day dreamt - having been forces into the 2.4 American nightmare sold as a dream and were simply overwhelmed and defensive themselves.

And avoidance I have come to learn is one of our greatest powers. We need to be able to avoid the people and situations that are unhealthy. Fear too is a power - one of our most powerful.

Now though I am ready to move on though. But I have learned that I can't force myself to do anything. If I force myself, I get push back.

Like yesterday I drove to a dealer to look at Ford vans, and I was walking around and all of a sudden I just had to get out of there and get home. So I did. The only lasting progress I have made in my life has been waiting until the pain or desire itself pushes me towards action - where the actions becomes a "duh!" moment. I've stopped pushing me around. I've had enough of that in my life.

 

[akrvbob]

Karen, I can totally relate! My whole life I never felt like I fit in so I always hung around on the outskirts. As bizarre as it seems, vandwelling has tottaly changed that for me. In the last 5 years of living on public land as a hermit, I have made more deep, genuine, life-long friendships than I did in my whole life. Today I have actual connections with numerous people; and I owe it all to living in a van.<br><br>I love quotes! In many ways I use quotes to guide and direct my life. This is one that I truly love and will often bring a tear to my eye. Maybe it will speak to you.&nbsp;<br><br><p class="Textbody"><span style="font-size: xx-large;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans'; color: #000099;">And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;~</span></strong><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/anaisnin120256.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans'; color: #000099; text-decoration: none;">Anais Nin</span></strong></a></span></p>

 

[Rob S.]

<span style="line-height: 13.333333015441895px;">borderline agoraphobic ehh???? Didn't know they had a name for it<br><br>All the best in your path!</span>

 

[James AKA Lynx]

I have found it interesting living without people for a while. Did that on a small boat and like it. Opened up a lot. I see more than just a body now. <br><br>We all want more but when you put the chair down outside you have as much room as the person with the biggest RV. A cargo van is cheaper and using it only for protection, travel, sleeping and cargo holding is what makes the adventure. Getting in and out of small places that no one knows about is what makes it special. Your expenses are a lot less. If you do not like your neighbors, just move. <br><br>Will a Van give you what you want? No, you have to do that. Make it what you want. <br><br>Make your van yours. Details, small ones that you want, will do that. Study, research, a few nights without anything in the van and adding a little at a time. <br><br>People are people. Thinking bad about all of them does not do me well. Thinking the best of people gets me the best response in them and ME. <br><br>Best, James AKA Lynx

 

[karen]

Hi Bob thanks for writing! It makes a lot of sense what you say. Speaking of double edged swords: society too has them. Society is like a container that holds people together. Without it, people would fragment and be on their own reinventing the wheel every time it needed to be done and just stagnate. That's one aspect of its positive effects. But the negative would be that it is harder to get away when it feels like your soul is getting sucked out of you. I can imaging being in my future van and noticing neighbors being loud, aggressive, etc.. With the van, just pull up stakes and move to greener and quieter pastures. If that happens here now, I just have to bare it (no aggression as of yet). If you get into a disagreement with someone being unreasonable in a van you can just split. With my neighborhood I just avoid them all so as to keep from getting to know them and chance any problems.

About your quote, It definitely applies to me at this point!

Rob: that isn't a DSM name or anything like that - just seemed to fit. Definitely a social avoidant and phobic (though since the core has been seen, I thing now it is simply new habits need to be acquired and they don't happen without practice.

James, thanks for your thoughts. I do plan on mostly being alone at first and then organically add people into my life when it is a right fit - rather than settling.

It is definitely true that thinking poorly of people doesn't help me. Though I have seen that these thoughts are not even my own and I cannot control them. At best I can shine them on and by not putting attention on them, they shrivel and fall away on their own. I have given up addictions by doing this. At this point it looks like I just need reason to be out there.

Good tips about spending a night or two in the bare van to figure out how things should go!

 

[Wander Woman]

Another good book is The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron.

 

[karen]

Thanks wander woman!

 

[Kimbopolo]

I think you are on to something.&nbsp; I tend to be rather reclusive and happily so&nbsp;- except when I'm on the road.&nbsp; I&nbsp;connect with others&nbsp;much more often while traveling.&nbsp; Perhaps because a different environment necessarily&nbsp;opens one up to new experiences?&nbsp; It's like accessing another part of myself and exploring another dimension.&nbsp;&nbsp; That's one of the reasons I enjoy roaming so much.

 

[karen]

Hi Kim. I wonder if it has more to do with how they treat us? Around here - the people I interact with "have my number" so to speak. Out there on the road I could be anyone. Perhaps it has something to do with that.

Thanks again!

 

[Kimbopolo]

Well, that's a good point.&nbsp; That may explain why I enjoy shopping, say, at Wal-Mart on the road.&nbsp; I feel perfectly relaxed and at peace.&nbsp; When I go to my small-town local Wal-Mart, I'm always looking around to see who's there that knows me.&nbsp;&nbsp;Makes me a little jumpy.&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;

 

[joshua33]

&nbsp;The way to do is to be.&nbsp; &nbsp;- Tao