Traveling, campfires, and a good joke

[Every Road Leads Home]

Anyone have a favorite they'd like to share?  I was at my cousin's housewarming party/summer bash this past weekend and people started telling jokes around the campfire,  thought this one was pretty good.

An old man was sitting outside a pub and fishing in a small mud puddle.  A well dressed man was walking in and thought to himself, "Poor old fool" So he invited him inside for a drink.  As they were sitting there drinking their whiskey he thought he'd have a little fun and humor the man. "So how many did you catch today?"  The old man replies, "You're the eighth."

 

[Photogal39Travels]

Thanks for the chuckles...

 

[ArtW]

LOL
Most of my favorites would likely be too ribald for this forum

 

[rvpopeye]

OK , I'll finish the one I started.
A pirate walks into a bar......with a ships wheel in his pants.
The bartender noticed right away but said nothing fearing certain death ,
the pirate and the sword under his belt were both HUGE !
After serving and joining the pirate in several mugs of rum , he decided WTF and asked very politely....
Excuse me captain , but I just couldn't help noticing that wheel in your pants and wonder what purpose it serves ??????????
To which the pirate gives him a bone chilling stare and finally responds.
AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHNH , I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWW
But it's driving me nuts !

 

[ZoNiE]

skuh kuh kuh kuh!

 

[DannyB1954]

A man named Joe had a cat he worshiped. He had to go on a business trip so he left his cat with his Brother and Mother.
After a few days Joe is lonely for his buddy, so he calls home and asks what his love is doing. Brother says cat's dead, got run over by the garbage truck. Joe drops the phone in shock and his brother hangs up.
After composing himself Joe calls his brother and tells him what a jerk he was for being so blunt. He says you could have made up a story to soften the blow. He says you could have said cat is on the roof and the firemen are trying to get it to come down. Joe says you know, I don't even want to talk to you, put Mom on the phone.
Brother says, she is on the roof right now and the firemen are trying to get her to come down.

 

[DannyB1954]

Two guys are walking in the desert, One guy says I can't go any further I have to poo so bad. His friend says, nobody is around, just do what you must. What do I wipe my butt with asks the man, nothing but cactus here. Friend says if you have to go that bad, use a dollar.
Guy goes over the hill and comes back with poo all over him. Friend says what happened? Man says ever wipe your butt with 3 quarters two dimes and a nickel?

 

[Txjaybird]

A priest....a minister....a rabbi.....are having a quiet day and doing some fishing.....the subject about collections during services & donations begins.   The minister states his church uses as much as they can to do good work and tries to be frugal with building repairs and utilities.......The priest states they usually average about a 50/50 split, the rabbi stated that to save time on paper work and reports that he takes the money outside, speaks to God are throws the money as far up into the air as he can....God keeps what he wants and he uses whats left to help the needs of his church members the best that he could . 

To head off any pot shots some may want to take at me.......I was raised attending church 3 times a week,  Church Of Christ and Baptist.....attended 2 vacation bible schools each year and also went to Catholic boarding school and have a Jewish  family member...............................It's just a joke!    Texas Jbird

 

[Txjaybird]

Many years ago a travelling farm equipment salesman was out on his route.  He'd eaten in a new place and was having some serious stomach problems.  He really needed a bathroom...the area he was in was pumpkin fields as far as he could see and he was a long ways from the next farm house.   Finally he had to walk out in the field to take care of business.  He didn't want to poop where someone might see or step in it.......so he cut off the top of a big pumpkin did what he had to do and then replaced the top very carefully.

He felt really bad about this & was determined to confess and apologize the next time he was in the area.

Several months later he was in the same area and found out who owned that pumpkin field and went to the farmers home.  He introduced himself and began his apology...suddenly the farmer went screaming from the room.
                 Sy!  Sy!    THAT WAS SHIT IN THE PUMPKIN PIE.       THE END

 

[Gunny]

Not so much a joke as a picture I stole off of Military.com I thought it was funny as hell.

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

 the rabbi stated that to save time on paper work and reports that he takes the money outside, speaks to God are throws the money as far up into the air as he can....God keeps what he wants and he uses whats left to help the needs of his church members the best that he could . 

I know i'm gonna feel stupid when someone explains it to me, but the punchline is going right over my head!?

 

[TrainChaser]

I know i'm gonna feel stupid when someone explains it to me, but the punchline is going right over my head!?

He throws all the money into the air and only keeps what falls back... which is all of it.

 

[TrainChaser]

A man visiting San Francisco stops at an antique shop to find a gift for his wife. He sees a large brass statue of a rat sitting on the counter, and stops to study it. The proprietor says, "There's a story that goes with that rat, and I'll sell you both for $50". The man says he doesn't want the story, just the rat. The proprietor charges him $10.

Walking down the street with the metal rat in a bag, a woman coming toward him points past him and exlaims, "Look at that!"

He turns and sees a live rat following him. A minute later, he turns to see if it's still there, and there are five rats following him. He walks faster. He looks back again and there were 20 rats following him. People are jumping into the street and pointing at the rats. He breaks into a trot and looks again. Now there are well over a hundred rats. He breaks into a run and heads across the Golden Gate bridge, followed by thousands of rats.

He's scared and doesn't know what to do. Then he realizes it must have something to do with the brass rat that he just bought, so he stops and throws the bag with the rat as far as he can off the bridge. All the rats swarm past him and leap off the bridge into San Francisco Bay. In seconds, there isn't a rat in sight.

He turns around and runs back to the antique store and hurries to the counter. The proprietor is there, smiling, and says, "Well, NOW do you want to hear the story?"

"Hell, no! What I want to know is if you've got any brass lawyers!"

 

[jimindenver]

Today I received the first of the treatments for my back. It was a injection to combat the numbness and I had to drop trow, bend over, hands on the table and put my head down. As I did I looked back and saw the 6 inch needle that was going to be used and uttered a oh crap. The tech looked over and said Oh, you weren't suppose to see this beforehand. Now put your head back down, it wont hurt much. Just relax and it will be over before you know it.

Right before the needle went in I thought, WAIT, I've heard this before. THEY LIED!!!! Believe it or not, this one did too.

 

[Txjaybird]

   OH MAN...That is so not funny....I hate needles so much..... as a child I was chased thru the DR's clinic if anyone ever turned me loose for just a second I was outa there!!  I hope the injections work for you and you feel a lot better soon             Sometimes we gotta laugh to keep from cryin'          Jewellann  

   Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!  I'm offa the topic & I'm gittin' right back on it now...Who moved my ladder?   QUEEEEEEEENIE!!!!

 

[ArtW]

Lol, for my 2nd hernia repair, my doctor decided to go with a spinal
So they have me lay on my side and curl up in a ball, and this petite little nurse loops an arm around my neck and another behind my knees
I ask why, and am told it's so I stay curled and don't get damaged by the needle
I immediately uncurl
"you need a bigger nurse"
"no sir I'm stronger than I look"
"I can lift 500lb off the floor, are you THAT strong?"
A larger nurse was found

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

Heard another good one today so thought I should share it.......

Little Johnny comes downstairs for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mom asks, "Did you do all your chores?" "Not yet," said little Johnny. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does all his chores. Well he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes back in for his breakfast and his Mom hands him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon and why is there no milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well", his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick a cow, so no milk in your cereal for a week as well." Just then, his father comes down the stairs for breakfast and nearly trips over the cat so he kicks it halfway across the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says: "Are you going to tell him or should I?"