Quitting Vandwelling = Depression

[Refreshing]

Hello everyone! A few months ago I posted my first thread on cheaprvliving about concerns of vandwelling with my 1 year old son. You guys offered A LOT of awesome tips and information. Thank you!



My wife and I quit our jobs and sold our house in January. I converted our van and lived in it alone for two months in Minnesota while my wife and son stayed with her parents in SD. This allowed us to save up a whole bunch of money to make our van adventure safer. When I finally picked them up to start our travels life was AMAZING! It was still winter but we quickly made our way south to warmer weather and just chilled. Every day was a new adventure with our son. The only expenses we had were gas, health insurance, food, and health products. We could have all lived very comfortably with me only working a few days a month then the rest of the month could be spent exploring nature and just hanging out!

 

Unfortunately this lifestyle is not for my wife. She enjoyed playing with her family every day but peeing into a bottle, public showers, and not having a brick and mortar house really wreaked havoc on her anxiety levels. I am so grateful that she was willing to allow me to experience my biggest dream, because, how many wives (outside of this forum!) would be able to uproot their entire life for their husband's dream?


With that said I just started my new job, 40 hours a week. Every day I walk through that door I think about how amazing it was to never have to look at a clock, I could wake up with my son and wife whenever we felt like it, and we were all together in nature all day long. My wife is so excited to buy a house and "restart our lives" and that idea terrifies me now that I know what living a minimalist lifestyle feels like. Alas, I love my family too much and I just want them to be happy. I am not looking for advice but rather I just wanted to share my life experiences with this forum. Thank you guys so much for all of the help with this grand adventure!

 

[lenny flank]

Alas, it's not for everyone.

 

[regis101]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Your experience was priceless.

Buy a farm

 

[LadyJo]

You and your wife have made some great memories together. It's not uncommon for a mom to want / need a nest for the family.

Can you keep the van, buy a house and save for Van-cations? Could you save up enough so when your son is 8 the family can take an entire summer Van-cation and show him some of our great sights? Then you, your wife and your son could build wonderful memories as a family.

My parents did just that with 5 kids, ages 7 to 15, for a summer. An incredible time none of us has ever forgotten, I'm 64 yrs old. A tent trailer and a station wagon, 2 adults, 5 kids and the family dog - LOL.

 

[Tommy N Pippa]

Wow thank you for the Post. My stories kind of the same my wife and I thought we wanted something turns out only one of us did and that's okay. It was both of our third marriages and it had to be done she's letting me live my dream and I'm letting her live hers. Without getting into a lot of detail . There were signs that I guess I didn't want to see or she didn't want to say but again it's okay I'm right where I need to be and she's right where she needs to be. So that being said my dog and I will be picking up or Arctic fox used at Chichester New Hampshire Camping World probably Wednesday thanks again for your post good luck to you

 

[muddy]

> My wife is so excited to buy a house and "restart our lives" and that idea terrifies me now that I know what living a minimalist lifestyle feels like.

You are still allowed to live a minimalist lifestyle while in a house

 

[Firtree]

There are tons of beautiful places in this country. It’s a grey misty cool day where I am but to jump in the van with a cooler, camp stove, coffee pot, yes diaper bag, couple folding chairs, blanket and have breakfast in a local park, by some water, under a tree would be wonderful.
Yes to get this done you might need to do some of the heaving lifting at times. Get the van ready, setup the diaper bag, pack snacks and cooler.
You can even do things like this after work. Hamburgers on the grill even in the back yard or maybe the front yard!
We don’t need to be stuck in a box.

 

[rvwandering]

I can understand your wife's point of view. For me nothing is better than being on the road but our first fulltime adventure (many years ago) lasted for a year and I was definitely ready to have more room and settle down for awhile. Even at that though, we were planning to hit the road again as soon as possible which for us meant that we waited until our daughter started college.

 Our year long trip was in a Volkswagen Vanagon- very basic - no electricity or furnace, small water tank and handpump, all cooking done outside so it was similar to a van conversion of today. We spent most of our time in national parks and had a blast. Our daughter was four at the time so it was easier than it would have been with a younger child but three people in a van can get a little crowded. Things have to rearranged all of the time and there's little room to move around.

 Our home now is a little class C and I love everything about it.  The convenience of having a bathroom and all of the extra room is worth any trade offs because of the larger size and poor gas mileage.

 I hope you keep your van and use it for weekend and vacation getaways. Making camping memories with your son is something he'll be grateful for when he grows up.

 

[JohnnyM]

Hey, Refreshing, good for you!

This has clearly been a wonderful experience for all three of you. I'm so happy you were able to do this, because nothing and no one can take it away from you. You'll always remember it and it will always be there for you, even if only in memory.

A few years ago our little family -- my wife and I and our big little toddler boy -- left everything behind and took off in our old camper and lived in it for a year or so out in the desert and the mountains. Eventually we came back to the real (?) world so he could start school and be with other kids his age, but he still remembers those times and talks about them whenever we get together. Remember the time we found those bumblebees down by the river? And what was the name of that big huge mountain that had snow on top even in the summertime?

Oh -- I almost forgot to mention that he's 53 now and has grandchildren who are the age he was back then.

So all the best to you and your family. Be of good cheer; you'll be fine.

Johnny

 

[tripper]

Sounds like most of her problems were with van living and might have been solved by having a nice RV/Trailer and part time boon docking part time staying at paid sites. That would solve the shower, restroom and having a home issues. Something to consider if you want to try it again in the future.

 

[mpruet]

A lot (if not most) women are more concerned about security than adventure.  It's been bred into us for a gazillion years.  Women tended to keep the home fires burning while men went out and hunted for the next meal.  Not that's not to say ALL women and men are that way...

If you still have the need to get away then you might consider getting a van and be a part-timer.  That's what a lot of us do.  We still have a sticks and bricks home that we call "base camp" and then get away periodically. Your wife might want to get away with you periodically as well. 

However, since she has already complained about roughing it, you might need to invest in an RV and/or truck camper.  She's not going to be on board if she is going to have to poop in a bucket.

 

[closeanuf]

So here's my 2 cents worth.  I would love to follow this story in about 10 years.  In !
1979 I was living in what I thought was paradise.  (South Haven, Mi) but my wife HATED it because it wasn't Texas.  So I moved back to Texas to "save the family" because she told me she was leaving with or without me.  This is a woman who dropped out of high school and went on to get her GED and go to nursing school and graduated with her RN, and when she graduated from nursing school decided she didn't want to be married to me   This was exactly 6 years after I left what I wanted to please her.  Not trying to be negative, but it took me twenty more years and another failed marriage to figure out that I CAN'T make someone else happy.  I'm the only one (including children) that I'm in charge of.

 

[Refreshing]

Thanks everyone! There are some very uplifting words of wisdom in here.

We do still own our van and will undoubtedly take some smaller camping trips throughout the year.

 

[Deb_A]

It's hard being cooped up all day in a tiny space with kids. I had to move back home once with my two kids, and we were all living in one room. My parents didn't like noise when they were watching TV, so I bought a TV for our room, and we mostly just camped out in there. I was so glad when we finally got our own apartment, and so were they.

Bob always says you can have freedom, or you can have comfort. Looks like your wife prefers comfort, and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you could do local day-cations on weekends. Surely, she could tolerate what she hates for that long.

 

[ISAWHIM]

Once a month, or year... Go on a road-trip... Camping style.

With or without her. It is not a loss, as she will get what she wants, and you will get what you want. (Provided that you take your kid with you.)

If you can't do that, then try local camping. (Less demanding and the ability to "go home", is not a big set-back or burden.)

Additionally, build a new "camper", using something you can "tow". You can gain the additional space for some luxury "comforts", if you can convince her to go, while retaining some extra space and privacy that you just can't get in a single "vehicle". All with the added bonus of retaining your vehicle as a vehicle, and not as a full-time home. A personal escape back to the "foundation life", while still "camping" in the removable trailer.

It doesn't have to be a big trailer, just one that is tall enough for a standing shower, toilet, sink and a large bed or couch, or bed-couch. The rest you can setup between the trailer and the van, and even connect them, if needed.

Then, you both win.

Or...

Just make a trailer "man-cave", so you still feel that intimate personal-space that you crave, which she does not. Keep it on the side of the house, or in the back yard. Part of living like this is using your imagination to stimulate your own mind. For her, it sounds like her imagination was doing the opposite. That happens... In a few years, maybe her mind will flip the coin to the other side. Nothing is permanent, including homes with foundations.

 

[wasanah2]

I'm sort of late to advise, but I thought of something that both of you might find as a good compromise. Why not get an RV with a kitchen in it and plenty of stand up room and A/C and heat and all the comforts of home that are essential for your wife? You can tow behind a "discovery" vehicle. Stay at campgrounds with water and electricity near places you want to discover. Not the same, but this would get you out and about. My late husband and myself looked forward to camping for the weekend. We both worked high stress jobs, but come Friday night, we were in the woods camping. A pre-packed RV would make it a breeze. We stayed in a lot of campgrounds too, and most allow campfires and it still feels like roughing it. You can rough it as much as your wife finds comfortable.

And you don't need to get a new RV. I'd get a used one, one that she says she likes. Let her pick it out. Tell her she can use it as a "she shed" when it's parked out back. She might end up loving it.