Unsupportive family

[mothercoder]

I am just about fed up with one family member who keeps hounding me about this choice I am making.  I know that it comes from a place of caring and I'm trying to remind myself of that.  However, the endless emails with links to articles and stories about "my neighbor who has an RV" are driving me freaking crazy!!!  What bothers me the most is that there's this barely hidden condescension that presumes that I have not given this any thought.  I'm a very bright woman.  I'm 62 years old.  I have a bachelor's degree and I've taken some graduate level courses and always had a high GPA.  I'm a self-taught web developer.  I have lived on my own for over 20 years and raised two amazing sons who are independent and bright.  I have handled situations that my sister has never had to handle.  I've even shared information that I have gleaned during this YEAR that I've been researching and making my decision.  Why then do you treat me as if I have no clue??? 

The latest gambit ("latest" although it has been tossed out there multiple times) is to rent an RV and see if I like it.  Even when I explain the cost of renting one, how expensive RV parks are on the east coast, that I don't want to live in a motorhome and having someone move a TT for me (if the rental company would even allow it) is not how I intend to live and that in no way doing it for even two weeks could duplicate what it will really be like is not enough to keep her silent.  The response is that it's at least a glimpse.  Well, I'm not going to pay $2000 for a glimpse of what it would be like knowing full well that it won't even come close to what it will actually be like. 

And finally, I haven't even shared that what I intend to do is live in a van.  Oh lordy!!  I can only imagine what kind of response I will get about that!!  As Randy Vining has shared, I think that as far as my siblings go, they will think I have lost my mind and there is nothing I can do that will convince them otherwise.  I will either have to suffer their comments and thank them for their thoughts or tell them to butt out.  But I can see the writing on the wall that they will never be supportive.

 

[Queen]

What I've always found fascinating about other people projecting their fear, is the deep level of fear they must live under every day. How can life be any fun if you view the world through that lens? Sometimes though I think people take it as a personal affront when we do something they are afraid or unwilling to do, makes them feel weak or scared or even as though we are judging them for being fearful.

 

[mothercoder]

Queen, I think this has at least something to do with it. When someone leads their thinking with "I could never do that" it may lead them to wonder why they can't or won't. Doing something considered "unconventional" tends to make people evaluate their own lives.

 

[rvpopeye]

Their "concern" for your new life will probably be unending,,,,,,,,,until.

They find out what wonderful things you are seeing and places you are going and how incredibly happy you become.

Then most likely the concern will slowly change to something more like envy.

"I could never do that." becomes "I wish I could do that." and maybe even "How can I get some of that fun too?"

Of course they may never change their minds about what you are doing in which case just do what makes YOU happy and don't worry about what they think..........

One thing I can tell you is this .

You will have so many new friends that you meet in your travels that you won't have time to worry about the rest.

 

[GotSmart]

I have a brother in his 60's, and a sister in her 70's that will drop everything and take out their teardrops for a week or three.  

All the family asks is for pictures.  

You are of basically sound mind, so take care and have fun.  And send them pictures.

 

[mothercoder]

Their "concern" for your new life will probably be unending,,,,,,,,,until.

They find out what wonderful things you are seeing and places you are going and how incredibly happy you become.

Then most likely the concern will slowly change to something more like envy.

"I could never do that."  becomes  "I wish I could do that."  and maybe even  "How can I get some of that fun too?"

Of course they may never change their minds about what you are doing in which case just do what makes YOU happy and don't worry about what they think..........

One thing I can tell you is this .

You will have so many new friends that you meet in your travels that you won't have time to worry about the rest.

Thanks, Popeye.  I love my family - I really do.  We just had different lives as adults.  Two siblings never had children and were always had two stable incomes.  The other sibling had 1 child but was always had two stable incomes.  I, on the other hand, was a single parent from the time my young men were in diapers.  I didn't do half bad.  I ended up owning a home and we always had what we needed.  But contrast with lifestyles that included several vacations every year to Europe, 3000+ square foot homes and $50k+ vehicles and you can see we have always lived in different worlds.

They may never understand and that's okay.  I just may have to do something to shut off the "here's what we think" faucet. 

Looking forward to making new friends in travels.  Wish so much I could be at the Van Build Party in Lake Havasu but maybe another time.

 

[mothercoder]

I have a brother in his 60's, and a sister in her 70's that will drop everything and take out their teardrops for a week or three.  

All the family asks is for pictures.  

You are of basically sound mind, so take care and have fun.  And send them pictures.

Pictures I can do.  Other than my father's truck camper, we didn't do much camping as kids.  I did more as an adult.  So far as I know, none of my siblings camp.  My oldest brother has a "cabin" near Mammoth Lakes -- it's 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and far, far from rustic.

 

[Gunny]

Sounds like you have done well in life and are responsible enough to make up your own mind. My only critic is my daughter-in-law who (while my son was shushing her) proceeded to tell me I was committing suicide because of a couple of health issues.

Go for it and if after a year or so it isn't what you want you still have plenty of time to do as you please.

I didn't tell my DIL what I thought of her lecture, she controls when I get my Grandkids so I play nice.

Rob

 

[highdesertranger]

I know it's hard sometimes but ignore the naysayers. highdesertranger

 

[jimindenver]

While it sucks to hear the naysaying, it sucks even more if they don't care at all.

 

[Almost There]

While my kids understand me and support me in all I do, my two brothers and their wives are a different story.

One couple has a decorated to the hilt condo on the waterfront up north and a decorated to the hilt double wide in a park in FLorida. They sold the time share in St. Maarten because they didn't like the weeks they had anymore! The concept of living in a van and travelling all over the continent just doesn't sit well with them. I should come to Florida with them (they didn't invite me to stay btw... ). She plays golf one morning a week and shops the rest of the time. He plays golf 3 mornings a week and drinks beer the rest of the time!

Kinda not my lifestyle at all.

But, while they don't understand, they don't try to put roadblocks in my way.

The other couple is another story. Not retired even though they're both old enough to do it with full benefits. Century old home with a large mortgage and 2 car payments. They think that heaven is a 2 week vacation somewhere!

If they could catch me and tie me down they would...they think it's not only dangerous but downright disgraceful that I gave up my apartment and live full-time in a van.

NOW, If I was living in a 1/4 million dollar motorhome that might be different - but A VAN...how disgusting!!

Do what you want to do - it's your life not theirs.

Don't expect their support, and you won't be disappointed. Your support will come from the family you will build out of friends who actually understand what you want to do.

 

[ArtW]

delete their emails without opening them
Tell them in advance you will not be responding to, or reading, their emails, don't answer the phone when they call, don't read texts they send
Do this for a week or two, your silence will be far more effective than any explanations or confrontations