Living in a family's glass bowl

[Theadyn]

This is a post asking you wise people for advice you may have.  Something to read.  A good come back.  A way to maybe make others understand or just back off.  Or maybe just a way for myself to fully accept and learn to deal with all of the family flack I am getting.

I am pretty angry right now, so let me apologize in advance if I sound peeved.  Here is what happened, and let me also preface this by saying I didn't handle everything perfect.  I am human, I am not perfect nor do I ever pretend to be.

I was feeling pretty frustrated Friday.  After the tinting place keeping my van for 3 weeks, and now having to wait and go back and forth with the place I bought the van from and still having no title after two months, and paper tag being expired, and wanting to be on the road, and hearing from everyone 'When are you leaving?  When will you be here?  What days are you planning to being here?' to which I have no answer and getting tired and frustrated from all of the questions...  I took off.  I had yet to try out sleeping in the van and getting a feel for her, and I really just wanted to be the hell alone.  (sorry for the harsh words, it's how I convey the depth of how I was feeling..  and I'm being tame right now :-/ )

Had planned to stay local, maybe try out the Walmart parking lot.  It was busy, so I found a motel parking lot and decided to stay there, see if I could get away from it, see if I felt safe enough, try out the bed to make sure it was comfy, try out the lighting, keeping myself entertained, the layout, etc...  I know I should have at least let the guy I live with what my plans were (which I apologized profusely and we are okay)... but gees!  It wound up being like a man hunt, I don't know how many texts I missed, or how many phone calls, as I had my phone on silent.  My daughter was asked by bf if she knew where I was, who asked my sisters (big mistake on her part), and that's when all hell broke loose.  I had the cops called and they also called the hospital, the one I used to work at, looking for me.  How embarrassing!  And it totally ticked me off.

Sometimes I really just HATE the phone!!  Okay people, is that a crime?!  I wanted to be left alone and read.  Am I a slave or something?  To be chained to the house?  WHY would my family feel the need to involve my parents, who live 8 hours away, or one of my sister, who lives 10 hours away?  I'm just really angry that I can't even spent one night to myself.  I almost did not want to come back.  I am sick of the intrusion in to my business.  Sick of this glass bowl.  Sick of being treated like I am not 43 years old and have a flippin' brain.  I really sometimes want to do something crazy like go to New York and disappear, see how they like that. 

I know, emotionally, I get too worked up around people that confront me, and never have the right thing to say at the right time.  I am better writing it down.  So this post might just be a venting session for myself. 

But, if you have something for me, a saying, a quote, a person to research, a website, a book, that will help, I would sure appreciate it.  If you've had the same struggles and you might want to impart how you dealt with it would be great.  I have read the book 'Boundaries' in the past because my personal boundaries have been walked all over by my family, it helped me understand, but..  yeah..  introvert here and really can't stand confrontation, especially when I am taking up myself, I get too emotional and interrupted and discounted.  It's like they are only in my life when they are judging me.  I'm still wondering..  why is that?  Do they really only care when they can make it an issue, to embarrass me or hurt me?  It's what I sometimes wonder.  I'm sick of trying to always play the happy family member when really all they do is tick me off.  And yes, something was posted on facebook by one of my 'dear family members'.  Like a stupid man hunt was being called on just because I wanted to be alone for a few hours.  Is it because I am a girl?!  Which ticks me off even more. 

Anyways...  even if you don't have any advice, thank you for reading this.  It felt good to let it out instead of stewing over it like I had been for the past 2 days.

Just no beating up here, please.. I've already beat up myself enough. 

 

[SoulRaven]

I may be a guy, but I know exactly how you feel. I basically ran away from home permanently as soon as I was able. Only an Aunt and Uncle agreed that I made the right choice. As for everyone else, nothing I did was ever good enough.

After I was on my own, with the exception of my Aunt and Uncle, the only time I ever heard from any of my family is when they either wanted something, money, or to complain how rotten of a person I was, and how I would die young due to my stupid choices.

Life is funny sometimes, today, my Aunt and Uncle who are both optimists like myself, and are now each over 100, and myself are the only ones left. All of the "Pestimists" (Intentional misspelling...) died young.

My conclusion was one of compassion, which I must admit was very difficult ALL THE TIME, but I was happy with my life and choices, and always patiently explained to the rest of my family, that it was my choice to make, and I had all the time in the world to settle down and be "NORMAL" whatever that is.

In the end, I decided that "Normal" for me was being happy with a life on the road.

If your happiness doesn't happen to make your family happy, then that's THEIR PROBLEM, and don't allow them to make it your problem.

Today is first day of the rest of your life, choose to make as many of those days as possible, happy and fulfilling for you!

Good Luck!

 

[Almost There]

I'm certainly not going to try to beat you up for it but maybe try to explain some of what happened (not all) from a different perspective.

Unfortunately, people *do* go missing by misadventure and the sooner someone starts looking for him/her the better. So, when you went missing for the first time that those are close to you knew about, they panicked. It's not like you make a habit of it and people haven't come to expect a disappearing act of you so it was unusual behavior.

They like having you in their lives, heck, some of them may even love you...

As to involving people 8 and 10 hours away, well that was panic setting in, not a deliberate attempt to make your life a fishbowl. People don't think rationally when in a panic stage, they really don't.

I foolishly thought that living alone meant that I didn't have to keep anyone else informed of what I was doing. Worked until I made friends in town here. Now, at least 2 of them know when my mini-van is missing from my driveway that I'm out somewhere. They also know when I don't go out of the house for days in the winter cause there's no footprints in the snow... Talk about a fishbowl...
The end result, unless you live a totally isolated existence where no one knows you or cares about you, then someone, somewhere is going to want to know what you're doing, simply because they care! 

I go way out back in the bush for kayaking/canoeing/hiking trips and the one thing that is drilled into us at every turn is the importance of letting someone/anyone know the route we plan on taking and when I'll be back. It's a safety thing, if I don't get back within a reasonable time frame, they have the knowledge necessary to send out SAR teams.

Wanting to go 'walkabout' is more than okay. But please, please, let at least one person know that you're going. You don't have to tell the whole world, you don't have to even tell them where you're going (although it's good to give them an idea), but letting someone know that your absence is deliberate will stop the panic. Oh, and if someone is going to give you a hard time of it if you tell them verbally, at least leave a note that can be found after you've gone...  

Did you sleep well in the van?

 

[karl]

Good observations from Almost There.

Wow, been on both sides of your frustration Theadyn, right now I am on the worrying end- concerned about a "12 yo" son (with 34 yrs experience) who disappears into a bottle/pipe/crazy relationship every few years with no warning until he needs me again.
I know how my mind can conjure all sorts of scary scenarios without any form of communication.

The flip side is one I have experienced as well- feeling that I was being controled/manipulated/having too little privacy/being on a leash or in prison.....
Both are often fueled by lack of communication. In my family, I have found it helpful to work at being aware of what I would want if the roles are reversed, and making an effort to communicate.
There are indeed times when frustrations limit the quality of that communication, and I agree with AT's idea of leaving a note, or email/text with the information that I will be away, my phone will be off, I will not be checking emails/texts/messages for at least X number of days( a subtle way of affirming that "I'm not debating this- it is MY decision") If there are stressful family reasons for going, then an assurance that I am cooling off, re-centering...whatever, and some sort of assurance that I am planning to return.

Don't beat yourself up over any of it- at 63, I'm still learning how to live peacefully.

 

[cyndi]

One I repeat, multiple times daily, quite frequently.Also the only quote from the bible that will ever pass through my lips.

"This, too, shall pass..."

And

"Better days are coming."

 

[LowTech]

Was only going to touch on the disappearing part, but Almost There worded it way better
I've spent my whole adult life living in a rig and moving about. During those years I've developed a habit of telling at least one person where I'm going, mostly just to know that I have someone to watch my back. In this time that we live in I think that's really important. It also gives me someone to field the inquires if people start looking for me, someone to say "he'll be back in a day/ week/ month, etc". That shuts down any one doing something crazy until that time is reached and I've not been in touch.

Just remember, having someone to cover your back is a good thing.

 

[Matt71]

You don't even have to tell people where you are exactly. Just let someone know you're going to be unavailable for a while.
Sometimes knowing you're ok is all people need to know to keep them out of your hair.

I enjoy my private time quite a bit, but I also don't want to get lost or injured and have no one know where I am. All it takes is a slip and a fall.

Janet and I are considering getting a GPS tracker and giving online access to our exact location to certain people. I worry a little bit about getting lost on a hike or breaking down in the middle of nowhere. Or getting murdered and eaten by inbred cannibals out in the desert. If I need someone to come looking for me, I want them to be able to find me... or what's left of me. I don't want to be that guy who has to cut off his arm because there's no one looking for him.

 

[mockturtle]

It sounds like harassment and you don't have to put up with it. And you don't have to answer your phone, either.

 

[One Awesome Inch]

You don't even have to tell people where you are exactly. Just let someone know you're going to be unavailable for a while.
Sometimes knowing you're ok is all people need to know to keep them out of your hair.

I enjoy my private time quite a bit, but I also don't want to get lost or injured and have no one know where I am. All it takes is a slip and a fall.

Janet and I are considering getting a GPS tracker and giving online access to our exact location to certain people. I worry a little bit about getting lost on a hike or breaking down in the middle of nowhere. Or getting murdered and eaten by inbred cannibals out in the desert. If I need someone to come looking for me, I want them to be able to find me... or what's left of me. I don't want to be that guy who has to cut off his arm because there's no one looking for him.

Thats a good idea with the GPS tracker. A couple years ago an older couple from Alberta were in the US with their RV in the middle of nowhere. The RV had a mechanical problem (I think?) And they could not get back to civilization. Without food, the older gentleman chose to leave the RV and go for help.... never to be heard from again. The older woman died too. Very sad story but if anything it can be a lesson to a) tell people where you are going b) have some sort of ultra reliable comm device (not just a cellphone which might have signal problems) like a cb radio.

OP, while I totally feel your pain of wanting alone time, even if you would have sent an email or left a note on the kitchen table explaining you are fine and just going on a solo camping trip (or something) people wouldnt have freaked out as much. But yeah, I strongly dislike people prying into my business and look forward to July when I'll be fulltiming it and it will often have hours a day to just... "be".

 

[mconlonx]

Now that it's happened once, let all the concerned, busy-body, caring people know that it will happen again, and that it will be a long term thing. They freaked out because they didn't know you would be "missing" for a few days -- if they know it will be a continuing thing, and eventually a permanent state of being, not so much freak-out.

There will always be those who do not understand your new-found mobile lifestyle, even those who look down upon it, but as long as they know you're doing it, they hopefully won't freak out when you decide to disappear for a while. You might want to drop a general note to a mailing list of friends and concerned family members when you decide to go adrift...

 

[cdiggy]

Be thankful people care about you. You could have absolutely no one who cares about you enough that they would do that. A pure pain in the ass? Yes. It is a good thing though. Just leave a note (out in the open where someone can see it, leaving it under the fridge would be just as bad). My $.02

 

[flying kurbmaster]

I think the feed back so far is you should have told someone, I would apologize to those involved, thank them for their concern.  You are the only that can change so somehow you have to figure out a way of accepting other peoples behavior without getting upset or if it is not acceptable at all, see less of them. I have a similar issue with my mother she is lovely and I know she loves me, only has good intentions but she can push my buttons, after alll she installed most of them, I have learnt to expect her behavior and not let it get to me, most of the time. Don't beat yourself up no ones is perfect, I don't know how your first night of boondocking was, a rule of thumb, when taking people out sailing for the first time, avoid a stormy day. This may be true for vandwelling as well. xoxo    

 

[mockturtle]

the only quote from the bible that will ever pass through my lips.

Your lips are safe, Cyndi.  The quote is nowhere in the Bible. 

 

[Patrick46]

Yeah, our son likes to take off with his buddies and not tell anyone where he's going or how long he'll be gone.

do you have any idea of how much this makes his mother worry??? ALOT!!!

So, all we ask, is that he either calls or leaves us a note telling us he's going on another one of his adventures, and when we can expect him to return. We're not prying into where he's going or nothing, but we'd just like to know that he's not in trouble somehow, somewhere.

If YOU had kids, you'd do the same.

The simple solution, (as others have posted)...is to let your roommate know you're going camping for X number of days, and when they can expect you to return.
I think you'll be surprised how much the people back home will be relieved, and will leave you be.

 

[wagoneer]

Some of us are just outright control freaks, learn to recognize this program. If you love somebody let them go.
gilded cages are just that. I have 2 kids, live in an urban jungle and hope my lessons surviving here have had some impact. Those that really care for you will not judge. Gotta agree with Low Tech on letting at least one person in on your itinerary . Matt another 3-4 months and the stress will just melt away take care... Adrian

 

[mockturtle]

Yeah, our son likes to take off with his buddies and not tell anyone where he's going or how long he'll be gone.


do you have any idea of how much this makes his mother worry??? ALOT!!!

But, is your son 43 years old? 

 

[mockturtle]

Actually, I phone my own mother almost every day. She doesn't demand it but we enjoy talking with each other and it reassures her that I haven't been murdered. My kids phone several times a week. I don't phone them, as they have busy schedules. Nothing wrong with letting people know where you are and that you are safe. I just thought that Thea's family were behaving as though she were still in her teens.

 

[Iggy]

My family is nearly all hyper-religious and because I'm not, I get excluded from most family gatherings. I usually find out about things afterward when pictures are posted on Facebook. They still accept my calls but only a couple ever call me first. I think it would be awhile before anyone would worry if I dropped off the radar. So I mostly interact with friends, who I have more in common with anyway. They are the ones who would get concerned if I disappeared.

 

[flying kurbmaster]

Then there are some days when you just want to be a revolutionary, you know what you should be doing but just because of that you can't bring yourself to doing it because you are tired of doing what you are supposed to be doing what people expect of you. You just want to let them know that they got you wrong in so many ways, you want to shock, throw a loop into the straight and narrow. I suppose we all got to do this once in awhile.  

 

[Patrick46]

Sure....we all understand this thinking (which is partly why we're all on here...)

and if that IS the case, then you shouldn't be so surprised when the people who DO care about you get pissed, because you were inconsiderate enough NOT to let them know you'd be gone for a few days/weeks/months.