Hi, I'm Keith and I'm just...tired

[OSULemon]

Many times I've tried to write things. Always I've stopped and deleted hours of work in shame. Now I don't even know what I want to say.

My situation is nothing extreme to anyone; were it not for the degradation of my mental health I would have found a way out long ago. To try to explain seems more harmful than saying nothing at all. I know I have the tools to fix it - and who better to know myself than me?

I try to start the chemicals flowing by working on the van, taking short trips with the girlfriend, walking the dog, but internally I do feel like I've given up on life. I do my exercising and take my SSRI's and talk to a therapist and do mindfulness meditation and try CBT techniques and get out into nature and I still feel hollow.

I always thought when I reached this point that I would do something extreme to give it "one last go": travel to another country, sell everything, etc, and if it didn't work? Oh well. Decide then.

Part of me feels like I have no other choice than to adopt a nomadic lifestyle and pray that I can extract a will to live by placing my body in situations in which human evolution will take over and the proper neurons will start to fire and the chemicals will balance out. Unfortunately, this would not my only attempt at escapism which hasn't ultimately worked out so far, so I don't have strong evidence to support that.

I've been waiting on an ADHD medication that may be the clue to everything, but is simultaneously eluding me (followups, missed followups, blood tests, doctor vacation, cardiologist appts, followup cardiologist appts, delays in getting results sent, more doctor vacations). Monday is hopefully the day. God I hope so. It's been February since my first appt.

My SO is off traveling this weekend, so it's me and the dog till then. I wish I could harness my love for her into action but I'm so confused as to what to actually do that most days I sit on my hands and try not to order anything off Amazon for a plan that ultimately fizzles on the vine.

You all seem like lovely people though, so I thought I have to post something at least. Ever feel like there's nothing anyone can possibly say to make things better? That's how this feels, but...maybe it'll help.

And maybe I'll be proven wrong. I like being wrong; it makes me feel more alive, strangely.

Thank you for reading

 

[Matlock]

Welcome Keith,

This is a friendly place.

I managed to find myself by challenging my mind. Both in planning and doing.
If I fail I've learned to see where I miscalcuated and then decide if there will be a followup or a new and different plan. This can be anything from reading a book to building a rocking chair.
Small successes led to the more difficult. I'm still growing one small step at a time.

Best of luck to you.

 

[nature lover]

Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear about all your problems but I can identify at least partially. Nobody knows exactly what it is for an individual, but I’ve had similar problems. This is not to discourage you but the kind of problems you talk about won’t be cured by becoming a nomad, we generally bring those things along with us. Or we exchange our one set of problems for another. I’m bipolar and it took me years of suffering to find a medication that really did something for me. The nomad lifestyle is beautiful I’m out in the middle of them mountain Surrounded by thousands of acres of forest. This is the kind of setting that is healing for me. I’ve seen two people today who went by on dirt bikes. But I’m still dealing with my problems to some extent although the nature therapy helps a great deal. Again I don’t mean to be discouraging I just want you to face the reality that van life isn’t necessarily a cure it can be a step towards a cure but it is not in and of itself a cure for what you’re dealing with.

All of that said, I pray you will find the strength within yourself to get up and get going with your life. You’ve got an Significant other and a puppy so there’s at least a little bit of support there. With my problems I found that the best help I get is what I get from within. So I’m welcoming you to the forum and praying for you that life would improve for you. Take an inventory of your resources including those within you and make a plan that makes sense for you. As I often say I am no mental health professional but I have spent a lot of time with them..

The advice you got about taking it one step at a time is great advice. Try camping a few days and then going back home and then camping a few days to see if this is what you need. There is something better ahead.

 

[WanderingRose]

I’m sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but promise you that depression can be overcome, tho it takes work.

And you are not alone, as there are many walking wounded everywhere, held together sometimes by superglue and safety pins.

I wouldn’t rush into going out on the road right now, as the challenges and often isolation of that may add to your issues.

Walk your dog, make a list of what is good in your life, maybe volunteer some time helping others.

Good luck to you.

 

[MrsBackRoads]

So many things I wish I had the words to express, I will settle for what helped me when I found my self in a world without joy and light. On the advice of a friend I started making a list of daily things to accomplish. All designed to get me out of my comfort zone. These little daily trips or chores helped me to see the beauty around me. Example: go to local park and feed the ducks. Time limit of 30 minutes and expanding to longer time of taking a lunch and just sitting in a natural environment. That’s just an example that helped me. I hope you post more about what trips you and your SO decide on. Also get lots of sunshine! It’s uplifting!

 

[highdesertranger]

Welcome OSULemon to the CRVL forums! To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips, Tricks and Rules" post lists some helpful information to get you started.

Most of our rules boil down to two simple over-riding principles: 1) What you post should provide good information (like your introductory post), and 2) Any response to someone else's post should make them feel glad they are part of this forum community.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

Highdesertranger

 

[bullfrog]

I found volunteering and helping others made it easier and provided purpose.

 

[OSULemon]

Thanks all for your kind words and advice.

 

[NctryBen]

Nature has never really disappointed me. Best thing I can do for myself is to get out in it. Hiking, paddling, biking... all kinds of opportunities everywhere. Volunteering is very fulfilling. No matter how you feel there is someone else feeling the same. You potentially could help someone else in the same thought process. Welcome to this community... you seem quite thoughtful and kind. You would fit in well!

 

[txmnjim]

I do my exercising and take my SSRI's and talk to a therapist and do mindfulness meditation and try CBT techniques... 

welcome osulemon! i saw the cbt techniques and thought of how i joke with my wife, we're both psyc majors and she has suffered
from depression since the age of 13, about how we hate cognitive therapy since it takes so much work but it really can be effective.
she will say some negative thought about herself and i will ask "and how did you challenge that thought?" i agree with the previous
thought by NL about finding the right meds, as my wife is doing much better with the meds she finally found. i hope you get the care
you need (we are fortunate to live where the Mayo Clinic is) and i send warm thoughts to give you strength to battle this dreaded disease.  
i know you can do it and we are all rooting for you!
jim

 

[mattvei]

check Bob's cheaprvliving youtube channel site and search for depression or mental health. There's an active support group that meets by phone daily addressing issues you've raised and it's no charge. Maybe you can find some help there.