Freaky Loners?

[Halfwaytree]

Hi, this is my first post.

My relationship with my long time partner recently ended. She always told me there was something seriously wrong with me because I tend enjoy a lot of my time alone. I don't hate being with other folks and I don't think of myself as being anti social, but I never dread the thought of spending a day, or even days alone.

I have seen a psychologist who assured me I'm OK, they told me we are all wired differently and that is just the way I'm wired. But I have also heard some people say that we humans are "social" animals and if you are separated from the heard you will find it hard to survive. This worries me a little!

Part of van life that I find appealing is that I can be alone as much as I like. I assume you run into other van life folks along your travels to swap stories with and with whom you can give and also receive helpful hints.

For those who are living on the road now, my question is this, how do you feel when you encounter a loner? Do you see  them as someone who is crazy and should be avoided, or are there enough loners out there that you just realize that they are not strange but just different?

 

[rvwandering]

Welcome to the CRVL forums Halfwaytree! Many of us out here are loners to some degree so no one will think you're crazy because sometimes you prefer to spend days by yourself. We're used to giving people space when they need it or want it and welcome them back whenever they feel like joining in. Come on down to the desert and meet some of us!

To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips, Tricks and Rules" post lists some helpful information to get you started.

Most of our rules boil down to two simple over-riding principles: 1) What you post should provide good information (like your introductory post), and 2) Any response to someone else's post should make them feel glad they are part of this forum community.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[highdesertranger]

Welcome to the CRVL forums! To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips, Tricks and Rules" post lists some helpful information to get you started.

Most of our rules boil down to two simple over-riding principles: 1) What you post should provide good information (like your introductory post), and 2) Any response to someone else's post should make them feel glad they are part of this forum community.

We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[365vacay]

I AM that loner. I will meet up with caravans from time to time. Sometimes I hang out with others, but sometimes I just like being in the vicinity of people. You are not alone.

 

[highdesertranger]

now see there you got a double welcome. that's is rare and like a double rainbow. you must be a good person. highdesertranger

 

[swlands]

What other people think is their business. When you need help, ask. Being a loner is only bad if you cut ties to support. I live alone and I like it. OK, I share my house to halve the rent, but there is no intimacy there - I keep it that way as I like it. One friend said to me "the more you see someone the less you like them, the less you see someone the more you like them". I hate people trying to change me, and I am not really interested in changing others. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy supporting others - that is possibly the best thing of all. But it is not the same thing.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

I am an introvert:
 - I charge my emotional batteries when by myself,
 - I drain my emotional batteries when with others,
It's the way God wired me.

I tried being something I'm not and its exhausting.  Much easier to be myself, understanding what I need to be healthy.
If someone else thinks I'm defective for not being like them that's their problem, not mine.

 

[Gypsy108]

I am also a loner
But also a lover of life
I can open up my heart fully
To others
But need to recharge alone
And will disappear
Won’t even answer my phone

 

[Halfwaytree]

Thanks everyone for being so welcoming. I look forward to meeting some interesting characters on my travels, be they introverts or extroverts.

Much respect,
Halfwaytree

 

[brahmon]

i didnt get one welcome let alone two.

 

[brahmon]

i didnt get one welcome let alone two.      but in spite of that, welcome.  or aloha!

 

[B and C]

i didnt get one welcome let alone two.

You also just jumped in without going to the newcomers corner and introducing yourself AFAIK.  Go introduce yourself to get one

 

[maki2]

Statistically about 1 in 3 households in the USA is a single person household.
In 2018, there were an estimated 34.05 million single-person households in the U.S.

You have a lot of company out there. It is not "freakish" to live alone. It is perfectly normal behavior.

What you experienced was a person who was trying to control your behavior in order to meet their own needs. We all tend to do a bit of that stuff, it is very normal behavior as well to want our own needs to be met by others around us. But telling someone they are freakish for enjoying alone time is a little over the top. Oh well that happens too, sometimes emotions come out of circumstances where we do need more love and support than at other times in our day or stage of life. Times when we don't want to feel like we are all alone in this world without enough love and a support system we can constantly count on.

 

[StacyK]

This analogy might be a little “out there,” but I think of us like plant ecosystems. Some ecosystems need lots of water to grow and do well—like northeastern maple and beech forests. Transplant one of those trees to the desert, and it will die, because it’s not adapted and can’t get its needs met. But desert plants do well with very little. Deserts are thriving, healthy, living, vibrant places with almost no water at all. Transplant some yucca to the northeast, and all that water will kill it pronto. What is life to a maple is overkill for something built to survive in a desert.

I think we loners are like those perfectly healthy, thriving desert ecosystems—able to be happy with very little input. It sounds to me, Halfwaytree, like your ex-partner was more of a maple tree, who couldn’t imagine a desert being healthy—because it wouldn’t be for her.

 

[ckelly78z]

I am an introvert:
 - I charge my emotional batteries when by myself,
 - I drain my emotional batteries when with others,
It's the way God wired me.

I tried being something I'm not and its exhausting.  Much easier to be myself, understanding what I need to be healthy.
If someone else thinks I'm defective for not being like them that's their problem, not mine.

This is the way I feel. My Mother in law always harped to my wife that I needed my "alone time" too much, and that it wasn't healthy. I used to rail against that idea, but now embrace it, I truly DO need my alone time because being around most folks exhausts me, but I have a few close friends that actually energize me.

If my health were better, I would LOVE to try that TV show "Alone" https://www.therichest.com/world-en...s-the-history-channel-doesnt-want-us-to-know/

 

[ckelly78z]

I see many of my friends staring endlessly at their phones for that connection they so desire, with non-stop texting, endless snapchats, and a 24 hour a day social media presence while I can not touch my phone for several days.

These are the same people who frequent public nightclubs, concerts, and sporting events, and don't forget that they love to shop on Black Friday....not me.

 

[maki2]

There are many people who need constant entertainment. They want the distraction for their brains. Quite a lot of that behavior is actually created by an addiction to endorphins which the entertainment generates. It hooks in the gamers, the clubbers, the party goers, folks go to movies, join clubs, do volunteer work etc. It is not all bad, you just have to find things that make it worthwhile doing in terms of how you want to live your life or live your life with a close companion. Plus having hobbies can also feed those same things and lots of loners have hobbies that engage and reward them with the endorphins.

I have always been a reader so I get a lot of my endorphin rewards from that and from learning about new things. A good book is great company

 

[mjbeam]

I've been called anti-social but that's incorrect. I don't want to stop other people from socializing, I just don't enjoy it much myself. I think a more accurate term would be asocial.

 

[Halfwaytree]

Thanks again everyone. you have made some great points and observations.

Thank you all!

 

[Dingfelder]

This analogy might be a little “out there,” but I think of us like plant ecosystems. Some ecosystems need lots of water to grow and do well—like northeastern maple and beech forests. Transplant one of those trees to the desert, and it will die, because it’s not adapted and can’t get its needs met. But desert plants do well with very little. Deserts are thriving, healthy, living, vibrant places with almost no water at all. Transplant some yucca to the northeast, and all that water will kill it pronto. What is life to a maple is overkill for something built to survive in a desert.

I think we loners are like those perfectly healthy, thriving desert ecosystems—able to be happy with very little input. It sounds to me, Halfwaytree, like your ex-partner was more of a maple tree, who couldn’t imagine a desert being healthy—because it wouldn’t be for her.

Not out there at all, at least to me.  Good analogy.  

And I like that it doesn't pin the blame on anyone. OP's partner was a bit different from him but apparently tried to blame him for that, as if it were a flaw or sin that he/she was different.  That's not really kind or fair.

Isn't one of the uncomfortable and unfortunate things that ... telling someone they are flawed or bad because they are different from you might lead them to think less of themselves?  Feel bad or confused and maybe close down their lives because of it?

I wasn't there so ... can't say really ... but ... maybe it's better to just get away from people who say you are bad simply for not being like them? Or orienting yourself exactly around them?

People can disagree with me if they like, but I think OP dodged a bullet.  If people can't put up with your essential nature, how could you or they ever be happy together? Now maybe you could explain it to them and somehow get them to adapt or understand ... and maybe you yourself could try to adapt and understand to someone else's need for a lot more minute by minute attention than you feel is natural or comfortable to give but ... I dunno?  It sounds to me like you two are just not a natural match.

And that's completely okay!  100 percent!  I'm just sorry that you had someone who realized you were not a great match tell you that it is your fault and undermine your confidence and possibly self-respect by talking to you that way.  It sounds petty and vindictive.  Both of you deserve your self respect. You're just different, that's all.  No crime.  Being me doesn't mean it's bad to be you. And it's not an attack on you.

Okay, you're free of what sounds like a quite toxic relationship, and certainly a toxic mind-set, I hope?  Now move forward.  Looks like you've already got some really nice people in this thread helping you move forward.  So do it!  Don't look back, just start from where you are day by day.  You know what?  I bet you find some nice days and nice people, on your own terms.  Oh sure you'll find some crap.  But the odds are with you.  You see it here already, don't you? I'd bet plenty of us would share a cup of coffee and a laugh with you any day no matter how many people say you're aloof or the silent type or who cares whatever ... 

P.S.: The whole world is on a kick trying to make people feel being quiet, shy, or introverted is weird or unhealthy or even sick.  (Actually that is very U.S. centric, but that's a very healing topic for another thread.) Don't buy it.  The most unhappy people, by far, that I've ever known are extroverts alone.  They sometimes seem to go out of their minds.  Count yourself lucky to be happy alone.  The terror of not being comfortable with yourself in your own quiet time, in your own mind, doesn't seize you and make you jumpy and crazy. That's no small thing. Some people cannot possibly live with themselves.  Don't let others convince you otherwise, but ... if you're truly comfortable by yourself, you've got an edge.  And it's not small.  As if you or anyone cares.  But it does come in handy!  If you don't know now, you'll see when you bump into your first party animal who cannot hold their sh* together alone or without constant stimulus.  It's like an animal jumping on a cage floor that's all live wires ... except there's no electricity.

Someone else is telling you you're creepy?  THAT's creepy.