**For girls only** I' don't know what's going on.

[ilovemyvan]

Hey ladies,

I'm almost intimidated posting on this sections. I admire all of you so much. I admire strong ladies. I need to talk and get some advices and I think you're the group I trust most. So here I go.

My husband and I have been together since 1989. We had known each other for years prior to that. We met skydiving in 1977 The second year we were together we bought around the world tickets and backpack for a year. It was a blast. It wasn't always a bed of roses but when we faced a difficulty we worked it out well. We were together 24/7, except for 1 day. After 9 months I told him I needed a day to myself. We are so much alike that we ended up at the same restaurant for lunch. We still laugh over that one.

Following the year trip we converted a school bus and went back to the skydiving scene. After 8 years we bought a piece of land and physically build our own house.

I'm telling you all this because I want to explain the kind of couple we are. We like to achieve big goals. We enjoy doing it together. We love and are devoted to each other very much. We never had children.

About 10 years ago I was diagnosed bipolar. Long story short, I've been spending the last 10 years alone in the house with pretty much only my husband. I can't socialize any more or I go nuts for days after I do. It's hard even for me to believe that after all the crazy things my husband saw me do, he still loves me. He even says that he admires me for dealing with bipolar as well as I do.

A couple of years ago we converted a van. We always said that we wanted to do our international traveling while we were young and then we'd do more around US and Canada (we're Canadians, now US legal aliens) in our later years...which is now.

I don't know what happened to us but it seems like we can not travel together any more. I'm so crushed. He will be retiring at the end of January. We were planning a 3 - 4 months trip in the van starting in May but we had to Xed that. We can barely travel together for 3 weeks at the time. I turn into such a bitch and hate myself for it. I do well when I go by myself but when the 2 of us go, we're not getting along too good. That is so strange because that's the first time in over 25 years that we can not do something together. I hate myself for being the way I am, impatient, not knowing what I want, I try to hide it but I'm not doing a very good job of it. (I'm 62 and over menopause except for the hot flashes)

I have no idea if this is the evolution of my bipolar or what. Am I the only one having problem dealing with traveling with my husband in a van or are there some more like me? Do you have any advice for me? We were so looking forward to all the traveling in the van and I'm spoiling it, damn it!

It would be such a waste to be house bound. The way things are at the moment, we always decide to come back home a few days early. Something is not right and I want to fix it, I just don't know how.

Thanks

Nicole

 

[cyndi]

Oh! Nicole! this is hearbreaking! None of my business, so feel free to answer or not. Are you on meds? If not, it might be time to consider that option. Also, menopause can continue screwing with your hormones long after it appears to be gone. The combination of BP and MP could be the problem.

I'm not married but have traveled with others for short periods. I get really antsy with someone in my space. Is two vehicles a possibility?

Your husband thinks you're beyond awesome just the way you are. That's pretty cool and pretty rare.

Sending you good mojo for answers and resolutions to your dilemma.

 

[Queen]

Hi Nicole,

I was a mental health professional before I went to work in libraries and I can tell you what you're experiencing isn't totally unusual, and I'm so sorry you're suffering. One thing we tend to do is put a lot of pressure on the future "things will be awesome when _________ happens", when you're already dealing with a mental illness this pressure can be exacerbated and impact us in ways we didn't expect.

Additionally, just to dovetail on the what Cyndi was asking, have you had a med change recently? If not, it may be time, we can become sensitized to them and there are some newer/better drugs on the market now.

Also, talking it out here can help. It takes the internal pressure of that dialog and gives it a "pressure relief valve" so to speak... so chat away!

Mickie

 

[mockturtle]

Your husband is definitely a keeper!

 

[ilovemyvan]

Oof, it was good to get this all out. It allowed me to take a more objective look at the situation and I'm pretty sure that we are having problem because of 2 things; the van is too small for 2 people and we don't like to travel at the same speed anymore.

In 2011 we went to France and Morocco for 3 weeks. We were independent travelers. It was just the 2 of us, no tour guide. We covered a lot of ground we were driving and found ourselves is pretty interesting situations. We had a ball. The car was supper small but we stayed in hotels so we didn't feel the lack of personal space too much.

In 2012 we drove like mad thru the US and Canada for 3 weeks, again staying in hotels. It was too much driving but that's all the time we had to do what we wanted to do.

The very 1st trip we took with Precious was less than 100 miles and just for a weekend and it didn't go well. Although 25 years ago we spend 2 months in Australia living in a very small van and 4 months in Europe in a bigger van with out any problems for some reason this time around it's not working. It's strange because "Precious" is the most comfortable of the 3.

I'm now more of a the 2-2-2 traveler while John only wants to drive and drive. Anyone else have these problems? How do you deal with them?

mockturtle said:
Your husband is definitely a keeper! .......... You are so right there. He is the kindest person I know and as a bonus he has a pretty strong back bone. He's no push over.

Cyndi and Mickie.
I took meds for years. I tried several different kinds, I went thru hell and back and eventually stopped trying to find the happy pill and stop taking meds altogether. I'm sure you know that tv commercial that says that anti-depressant should not be taken if you're less than 18 years old because it could cause thoughts of suicide....well it doesn't stop at 18 and they are not just thoughts they are "Desires to Die". The only reasons I'm still alive is because I could not do that to John and I'm a strong person. Several months after I quit taking the pills I read that fish oil helps some people with bipolar. It's suppose to help the brain chemical to move more easily or something like that. That's what I've been taking for about 4 years now and it helps. Once a year or so I get off for a couple of weeks just to help it kick in again, avoid desensitizing.

If I though it could help I'd give my brain for research. I think their are going at it wrong. Chemical imbalance should be treated more like diabetes. Test every day and add what's missing as needed instead of taking meds that are gear to handle the worst highs and the worst lows in one single pill that you take every day, makes no sense to me.

I'm sorry I was such a baby earlier but it helped me a great deal to get it all out.

You rock.

Love

Nicole

 

[mockturtle]

If I though it could help I'd give my brain for research.

Don't do it yet---you might need it!  

 

[bigsallysmom]

My spouse is also bipolar and sometimes it was very difficult. Happy to say as she ages, she gets better. We have both gone through menopause and are trying to enjoy retirement. We find that we no longer like to be around each other 24/7. We both want what we want. So we intentionally plan time apart to do our own thing. A trip alone sounds like a wonderful thing.

 

[Stargazer]

Nicole,

I am so very sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.

First, ditto what others said about meds, if you are taking any, maybe it's time for a change. If you're not, maybe it's time to try.

One thing that stands out to me in your post is that it sounds like you are taking ALL of the responsibility for the difficulties you are having. In my long years, one thing I have learned is that problems in any relationship are NEVER the fault of just one of the parties. It truly does take two. I am not saying your sweetheart isn't the wonderful person you describe. I am saying that placing all blame on yourself is surely making things more difficult to sort out.

People and circumstances change over the years. Perhaps your dream from many years ago isn't what either/both of you want now but you haven't made that mental switch to something different. It's hard to give up a dream, but have you ever longed to do something and when you did it, were disappointed? Hmmm...reminds me of online dating. And my Dream of Driving Alaska. All those years of wanting to do that and when I finally did, I thought, "This is it???" Maybe you could find a Dream that would better fit into your life as it is today?

As for traveling with another person, that can be difficult for many of us.

Best wishes.

 

[Queen]

... I think their are going at it wrong. Chemical imbalance should be treated more like diabetes. Test every day and add what's missing as needed instead of taking meds that are gear to handle the worst highs and the worst lows in one single pill that you take every day, makes no sense to me.

Absolutely! So many of the docs and pharmacists I knew, when they were being honest,said "we really are in the dark with what we know about brain chemistry, so much is just guesswork". I always hated the way the docs just tried one pill, then another, then another, ad infinitum

 

[ilovemyvan]

Don't do it yet---you might need it!  

 

[ilovemyvan]

Nicole,

One thing that stands out to me in your post is that it sounds like you are taking ALL of the responsibility for the difficulties you are having.  In my long years, one thing I have learned is that problems in any relationship are NEVER the fault of just one of the parties.  It truly does take two.  I am not saying your sweetheart isn't the wonderful person you describe.  I am saying that placing all blame on yourself is surely making things more difficult to sort out.

...Hum, that's worth some thought for sure. He's almost perfect in my books but you're right he is not perfect.



You're also right about the dreams not always living up to our expectations. That might be what's happening here and I'm not quite ready to let go.

Thanks wise lady

 

[cyndi]

Glad the posting helped. I know exactly what you mean about the meds. When I first started taking them it was like a miracle. then after a few years the miracle turned into a nightmare. I weaned myself off and am doing pretty good. If I ever found myself in that deep dark hole, again, I would try the meds again; knowing it was temporary.

Another thought is with the waning sunlight you might be experiencing SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) Try to make sure you get 20 minutes of sunlight a day and supplement with (More home/alternative remedies here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...rder/basics/alternative-medicine/con-20021047)

From the Mayo Clinic..."Seasonal changes in bipolar disorder-
In some people with bipolar disorder, spring and summer can bring on symptoms of mania or a less intense form of mania (hypomania), and fall and winter can be a time of depression."

 

[WriterMs]

My first thought is that the two of you have had a nearly magical level of tolerance and enjoyment at being together all the time. You will always have those years to cherish, but.... you seem to be expecting to always in the future be able to be just "naturally" happy and compatible in such close quarters.

Even without mental health issues, everyone experiences a difference in temperament as we age...some becoming more social or patient; some becoming more withdrawn and needing more space, etc.

A few thoughts on some things that might help.. for the two of you together to consider:

You mention the van feels too small. If you boondock, can you take a decent size tent in the van with you (or on top of the van on a rack)? Being able to set up an outdoor "room" so you can have separate spaces may give some relief. Coleman has some "instant up" tents that set up in about two minutes and have standing room height for around $150.

You mention wanting to now travel at different speeds. Here is the part where he contributes some to the problem so maybe you can each compromise on this. Have travel days to get to new places.. but then agree to have a set amount of "slow time" built in. Remind him that your 3-week whirlwind was a necessity. BUT, if you have 3 months instead of 3 weeks, then the rush is unnecessary.

Above all, both should remember that if you CAN compromise and have one successful extended trip, then that will tell you that you have many more to come. Do what it takes to relieve the stress...add more space with tents, slow down, plan separate activities perhaps on certain days.

With one successful trip, you will know you can look forward to more. It is not a must "do all or do nothing" is it? Just do not expect that you CAN naturally fall into step with constant togetherness. That time may have passed and you only stress both of you out trying to achieve it again. Instead build in what works for the people you both are now. I'm sure you will both still love those two "new people."

 

[ilovemyvan]

So many good suggestions. We're not quite ready to give up the dream of traveling with Precious just yet, we both want to make it happened, and so we will work it out. We do have a gazebo that's something like 10 X 10 but we don't stop long enough to use it very often. Once John retires we will have more time and will be more relaxed.

But for the near future I decided that I'll be going to the RTR this January. This forum have too many wonderful people that I absolutely have to meet. It's a perfect set up, one can do as much or little socializing one wants and still enjoy. I just talked to my husband about it and he has no problem with it. So who's going to be there? It scares the pants off of me but I just have to meet you ladies.

 

[ilovemyvan]

My spouse is also bipolar and sometimes it was very difficult.  Happy to say as she ages, she gets better.  We have both gone through menopause and are trying to enjoy retirement.  We find that we no longer like to be around each other 24/7.  We both want what we want.  So we intentionally plan time apart to do our own thing.  A trip alone sounds like a wonderful thing.

Bigsallysmom, It's the first time I hear from someone on the receiving hand of all this, may I say craziness. I don't know you but I admire you a lot, it can't be easy. It's difficult to live thru an episode but I can't only imagine what it's like to witness it. In a therapy session once my husband said that the most frustrating part was not to know how to help. I can sympathies with you. What ever is done and said during these bad times is not the person you love. It's really terrible when your head decides to take you for a nasty ride and your reality changes and becomes something you have no control over. You say and do things that are very difficult to fix and live with after you get back to your senses. No amount of back peddling and apologies can undo what was done. You are a very wonderful and special person. I'm very happy for you that things are getting better. You certainly deserve it.

With all my respect.

Nicole

 

[ilovemyvan]

Glad the posting helped. I know exactly what you mean about the meds. When I first started taking them it was like a miracle. then after a few years the miracle turned into a nightmare. I weaned myself off and am doing pretty good. If I ever found myself in that deep dark hole, again, I would try the meds again; knowing it was temporary.

Another thought is with the waning sunlight you might be experiencing SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) Try to make sure you get 20 minutes of sunlight a day and supplement with (More home/alternative remedies here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-...rder/basics/alternative-medicine/con-20021047)

From the Mayo Clinic..."Seasonal changes in bipolar disorder-
In some people with bipolar disorder, spring and summer can bring on symptoms of mania or a less intense form of mania (hypomania), and fall and winter can be a time of depression."

Hello Vandella,

Good for you. You trusted yourself enough and pretty much went against popular believe that only trying a whole bunch of other meds would help. You are brave. You must be aware of your triggers and be able to manage them well.

You are right about the seasons. I never thought about it before but falls and winters were not pleasant when I lived in Canada but now that we are in Florida it's not a problem.

I wish you to never found yourself in a black nasty place again. No one deserves that.

The best of luck to you.

Nicole.

 

[dhawktx]

Okay, here's my .05 cent's worth (inflation).

I'm post Menopause, 60 yrs old come April. I've always had what I considered good health, except...

I have all the classic symptoms of what I now know is ADHD (Inattentive) and have developed coping mechanisms that work about 75% of the time.

I have always had strong mood swings, described by friends as ALMOST manic, and depressive episodes, especially when under a lot of stress.

When I finally able to get some diagnostic testing that showed I had chronic deficiencies in almost all the B vitamins. With a family history of cardiac issues, this was relevant. My aunt was put on the high dose methylated Folate for her heart and as a side effect her depression went away.

I tried the 1mg OTC version and had the same results!

I used the 23andme.com testing service, plugged my results into one of the 3rd party data crunchers and found that I have one of two known genetic mutations that hinder the body's ability to use B vitamins. Started taking the modified versions (already processed for use) and my health, both physical, mental and emotional, has improved with leaps and bounds. The methylfolate (Solgar brand) was the most important part of the puzzle for me, as it gave me the ability to react almost normally to high stress situations.

The reason I put this forth to you is that I suggest that you, too, try the testing and see if you might have any of these issues. Before I found these things out I would never have been able to go vanning. PM me if you have any questions!

Hugs and good luck!
Donna


I finally was able to get some answers from

 

[cyndi]

But for the near future I decided that I'll be going to the RTR this January.

Can't wait to meet you and hubby at the RTR. And Precious, of course. I love what you've done with her!

 

[ilovemyvan]

Can't wait to meet you and hubby at the RTR. And Precious, of course. I love what you've done with her!

Can't wait to meet you too. Afraid you will have to wait to meet hubby, I'll be doing this trip solo. He has to work, he's retiring Jan 29th and can't take the time off. It should be an interesting trip.

See ya.

Nicole

 

[bigsallysmom]

Bigsallysmom, It's the first time I hear from someone on the receiving hand of all this, may I say craziness. I don't know you but I admire you a lot, it can't be easy. It's difficult to live thru an episode but I can't only imagine what it's like to witness it. In a therapy session once my husband said that the most frustrating part was not to know how to help. I can sympathies with you. What ever is done and said during these bad times is not the person you love. It's really terrible when your head decides to take you for a nasty ride and your reality changes and becomes something you have no control over. You say and do things that are very difficult to fix and live with after you get back to your senses. No amount of back peddling and apologies can undo what was done. You are a very wonderful and special person. I'm very happy for you that things are getting better. You certainly deserve it.

With all my respect.

Nicole

Thanks.  That's nice of you to say.  I hope you say the same to your husband and often. It's really hard to know what to do when things go so crazy.  Caregivers start feeling a little crazy themselves.