Divorce with schoolkids? RV living?

[Rugster]

Ok, in my introductory post a year or so ago, I outlined a little of what was going on. My wife and I are still together but it's not good.

Too much junk has happened and even if we were able to 'work it out', I'd still have no partner in the relationship. We'd be lucky to get back to a level of semi friendly acquaintance.

We have two kids at home, 9 and 11 and I know a divorce would be extremely painful for them, for all of us.

But, and this is where I'm really spending a lot of time thinking about: is it just as bad for them to be raised in a household full of stress and tension where it is obvious the Parent's are ice cold to each other at best?

I have been put through the wringer for many years in this relationship and am wondering if I'm convinced getting away from my wife will 'fix' a lot of things in my life. I honestly think she will never attempt to better herself while I am so easy to blame for anything she's not happy with. And I'm pretty sure I blame her for more than what she is responsible for.

So, my options seem to make the break and hope she and I improve our life and therefore improve the kids life or continue living here where I constantly feel like I'm going through a panic attack, waiting for her Mother to do something to blow up our lives as she has done over and over for twelve years.

I really think that if we split up, we'd end up being a lot happier and have to deal with things and would therefore be much better parents to our kids.

Anyone dealt with anything similar and have any wisdom to offer?

Regardless, I feel better for actually getting this in writing

 

[Queen]

Split up, be there 100%, without fail, for the kids. The grownups can work out the tedious details, let the kids be kids and let them know they matter at all times, but families sometimes don't work out. A new family will emerge and you can all move on.

 

[ZoNiE]

MY folks waited until I was 19 and moved out to split. Stupid idea. I ended my first marriage when my son was 7. I didn't want him dealing with all the bullshit. He's 21 now, and me, my ex, and my son are all better off we didn't keep going down that path.

 

[sephson]

I was 12 when my parents divorced. It was the best thing that could have happened to my family. Life at home was much less stressful without my parents arguing all the time. Even though my sister and I stayed with our mom, we saw more of our dad after the divorce than when our parents were still together.

 

[SternWake]

My good friend married the first woman he fell in love with, despite the many warning signs she was an unstable nutbag, at best.

They had kids, now 9 and 11, and she decided to self medicate with alcohol. Lots of it. Blamed him for everything whilst singing her own praises and drinking a 12 pack and a bottle of wine each day before nightfall.. Stepped outside the marriage often. Spent nights in Jail for spousal abuse. CPS was called in often after she was carted off to jail, and they left the kids with my friend. Told him to expect her to drink herself to death soon and asked if he could handle raising them on his own.

He really did not want to divorce her, and she wanted out, so much so that she basically went full out until she woke up in Rehab.

My friend snapped out of it and the Divorce is Now final. He has custody 90% of the time. She has to pay him child support, he has to pay her Alimony. It works out almost even.

The Kids took the divorce in stride. Anything was better than watching a drunk violent Mommy throw things at daddy while swilling beer, smoking cigarettes and screwing random guys in the local pool bathroom.

My Friend is now dating extremely attractive and Sane women, when he has any free time. The Nutbag is now apparently marrying some older guy who she met in Rehab, and apparently still a poor excuse for a mother trying to use the kids as weapons.

We are going to do the Alan Harper thing and have the last alimony check blown up poster size.

I've never seen my friend happier and his thousand yard stare is Gone, and the kids seem stronger for their ordeal.

They will have the rest of their lives to figure out how their parent's personality shortcomings affected their own development, like all of us who can and do look inward.

 

[GotSmart]

My kids were 10, 12, and 14 when I got full custody 14 years ago.  The best thing that ever happened for them.   I am running away from home again in 6 weeks.    Time to let them fly on their own. 

I spent a month living in a car until I found a place to have room for them.

 

[buckwilk]

Rugster, ask your self, what's healthy about the way my children are living. If the answer is positive then don't change anything. If the answer is negative then you know what to do. I wish you and your family a good, sound life.

 

[Rugster]

Wow. Just wow.

Spent the last few days thinking. Decided I needed t o fix myself and stop dwelling on all the crap that has gone on so my kids can live in a seminormal family. My wife and I can get along ok and I decided that would be worth it if the kids remained happy.

Checked creditkarma (which is a great site), saw my credit had dropped 118 points. Dug a little deeper and saw two credit accounts in my report that I did not open. My wife claims she was offered an account at the store while checking out and signed up for it using her own information. The second account was offered in addition to the one she wanted but she says she declined.

I now have an additional $1000 debt that did not benefit me or my fam... my kids and the knowledge that once again I have been completely lied to and screwed over.

I sit here now typing this as my son sits oblivious in front of the TV playing NBA2K14, thinking what I can do to not lose my mind dealing with this.

Again, thanks for letting me vent.

 

[gcal]

Not sure what the law is in your state. Check to see if your wife can legally open an account in your name and your social security number. If she can't, let the card issuers know that you do not intend to pay them, that you did not authorize them, and that they are to be put in her name with her social security number. If she only gave them y
Her own info, how did they get yours? You can also put a credit lock on your social security number that will prevent any new accounts being open without your specific authorization.

You don't talk to HER when you see things on your credit report. You talk to the issuer of the credit and report it asa fraud.

 

[Rugster]

I appreciate the response but the point is she did open a credit card, actually two credit cards, in my name and did not tell me and would not have told me if I had not discovered it by using creditkarma. And then she lied as to how they were opened.

At this point the betrayal and lies is far more damaging to me than any debt she may be able to get from my name.

 

[gcal]

I appreciate the response but the point is she did open a credit card, actually two credit cards, in my name and did not tell me and would not have told me if I had not discovered it by using creditkarma. And then she lied as to how they were opened.

At this point the betrayal and lies is far more damaging to me than any debt she may be able to get from my name.

Rugster, she committd a fraud. Report it, now. Make a police report. There will probably not be any serious repercussion for her, now, as long as she agrees to accept responsibility for the debt. The credit card companies want their money, not legal annoyances, and she can always claim an honest error. But if you let it be and make payments, you can be held to have agreed to the cards and any future charges she puts on them.  You already say that things are unlikely to ever be good. Don't let them get worse than they have to.

 

[GotSmart]

I appreciate the response but the point is she did open a credit card, actually two credit cards, in my name and did not tell me and would not have told me if I had not discovered it by using creditkarma. And then she lied as to how they were opened.

At this point the betrayal and lies is far more damaging to me than any debt she may be able to get from my name.

My last 3  "X"'s each cost me a house, and uncounted thousands.  I estimate $100K each. 

Let it go and live for the children.  

At this point do not let it eat you up, but look forward to the future with the children. 

The most important thing I can tell you is this...

NEVER bad mouth their mother.  It will get back to the kids and make you the bad guy.

 

[Rugster]

Hey guys, I really appreciate the advice. The proverbial poop has hit the fan but for some reason, I feel like a thousand pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have a van/Class B and can park it/ stay with my brother so I'm covered. The kids so far have been very understanding but I'm sure there will be rough periods for everyone involved. I did not stay at our home yesterday but had to come stay with the kids today and we have had fun. No idea what will go on when my Wife gets home, if it isn't civil, I'm gone Life's too short to spend it arguing over stuff that's not going to change.

Right now I'm trying to figure out what to do and I guess the smart thing to do would be to keep the old van I have and slowly do some routine maintenance to get it into tip top shape but I'm not sure how the upcoming talk about child support/custody will shake out. I'm more than willing to pay as much as I can to support my kids and keep them in the home they are in now but have a feeling the talk will quickly turn nasty. Then I guess it will be time to lawyer up and spend money neither of us have.

Anyway, again thanks for the advice and thanks for letting me vent.

 

[buckwilk]

Sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. Take care

 

[One Awesome Inch]

I just went through a divorce this past July 2015.

The short of it is yes, you will be happier overall. The wife wont change. She is who she is. You either accept her as is or you dont.

  My ex and I should have divorced years ago. So much bitterness meant that neither of us wanted to invest the necessary effort to fix the problems. As the issues mounted we just began to care less to the point we stopped loving each other. Your wife sounds alot like mine. High maintenance. Can never be satified. Something is *always* wrong. Just 2 days ago I got an email from her complaining that I left a banana peel in the garbage instead of the compost. REally? You are going to take time to write me an email to complain about that? Point is she isnt going to change. So glad the marriage over. I feel like I finally have my life back. Its awesome.

On the other hand, I hate not living with my kids 3.5 and 10.5 years old.  They are great kids and I love them like crazy. That said, they definitely would both prefer their mother and living with her over me. She is a good mother... I have to give her that. Its been going on 6 months since I moved out and I still have heartache for not being with my kids. I see them 4 or 5 days a week, but visiting is alot different from not living with them. Hopefully, the pain will lessen.

At one time my excuse for staying in a very unhealthy marriage was that I would *die* for my kids so surely I could put up with all the exwifes bullshit. In the end, I just couldnt live with that dark cloud every.damn.day. Cold shoulder going for days and days. Every time she talked to me it was nagging and then she wondered why I didnt want to  talk to her. I became less and less verbal. The end had to come.

In my situation my kids took my leaving extremely well. We waited til July because we wanted my son to be out of school for the summer before we told him. He is quite emotional and we didnt know how he was going to react and we didnt want it to affect his grades. He was expecting it and barely even cried. He was tired of the arguing. Surely he could feel the tension. My younger daughter was young enough at 3 that she didnt really understand. As time went on she gets it now, but its not upsetting to her. Daddy just lives in a van.

So again you will be (very) happy to leave the wife, but leaving the kids is hard. Very hard.

 

[Rugster]

Well. Stayed at my parent's home Saturday night but had to come back Sunday to stay with the youngest. I was dreading the inevitable discussion once my wife got home and although it almost escalated into an argument, we both calmed down and listened to each other. It's almost funny how she completely mishears anything I say and I'm sure I do it, too.

Anyway, we completely agreed on the how, what and when so it looks like it won't get nasty or spiteful. To be honest, I was not expecting agreement on any of my ideas, like 50/50 custody, me living in a camper trailer or in an RV in the area but once we discussed it, she agreed.

I did offer monthly support in an amount that would allow her to continue living in our home but that means I'd be RV/Van/Camper Trailer bound, but that's actually what I think I want. I'm tired of stuff.

When the kids are with me, we will mostly likely stay where my Parent's and brother live so they will actually be much more secure with me

I really feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders and feel hopeful for the first time in years.

That being said, seems there is another credit card I knew nothing about that was just mysteriously closed in the last day or so.....

 

[GotSmart]

Put an ad in the paper, legal section  saying, 

I ______ am not responsible for any debts other than my own   DATE.  

Hire a shark to CYA!

 

[Rugster]

So, working on finalizing everything. We aren't talking, no big surprise there. But today on the way home, my wife said we needed to talk about things. We talked and it quickly went sideways.

Basically my wife got mad at me for saying something I actually did not say because she got mad at me before I could say it.....

I am still shaking my head at this, it's too crazy to be funny, or is it too funny to be crazy?

 

[Phantom Blooper]

Years back my 1st wife said PB,"When you die, I'm going to dance on your grave you SOB!"

Well I was contacted a few years back for information.....as the conversation dwindled down, I informed her that the Commandant of the Marine Corps
has authorized upon my demise to be buried at sea.

The conversation ended abruptly and on a happy note.

 

[mayble]

I am still shaking my head at this, it's too crazy to be funny, or is it too funny to be crazy?

Plenty of both, to be sure!  It helps to remind yourself that you can't control another person's perception of reality, so there's no point arguing over it.
Good luck with the process.  Remember it is just a rough stretch of road, and life gets better once you get through it.