Again with the Fear

[duckwonder]

Hi All.

This is a little of my current story.  For those who end up living in their vehicles overnight or within a short period of time for any reason, you may not relate to this and it could be upsetting.  It is not my intention to offend anyone.  I am well aware that there are far worse struggles than the one I'm going through right now.  Peace to you.

So what happened with me was that I came across some YouTube videos, I don't know when, sometime earlier this year.  How often does it happen that I watch or hear of something that truly makes me say, "That's it!  I'm doing that!  I don't care what it takes.  If I can somehow do that, I'm doing that.  That is for Me."  That happened.

Then a few months later I found myself with a Class B van.  The van was several states away, not necessarily a bad thing.  I experienced difficulty in the sale, and hit the road to my home state to register it.  The beginning was full of repairs, and I learned some new things about terror as my temporary home rolled up into a shop.  I knew there would be repairs but I was not prepared for the emotions and stress and the money, omg.  Once some stuff was better, on the road home again.  Then it really got better.  Lot of work, and I had help at that time, but it was do-able!  I was surprised by that.  But again, I had help.  It was the best trip of my life getting the van home.  It felt as though I asked the universe "Am I really doing this?" and the universe answered, "Duh."

So then it was, ok, I'll go out for 6 months, and if I can do that, I will have a much better feel as to whether or not I can do it.  Watched a lot more videos.  Got stuff I think I might need now because it's harder on the road.  Got my dog to the vet and picked up his records.  The whole time, more repairs, since June, repairs.  Still not done.

I am supposed to be packing and loading the van right now in order to leave.  My feet feel like lead bricks.  I'm SO excited, and I have been so excited, except now, again with the fear.  I have a repair appointment on the road that I have to get to on time, and then I have a cool thing to look forward to almost halfway there, and then I'm running across the country in a race to Havasu.  There's nothing fun about the timing, it's a long way to go and I'm already late.  When I see something like "my pick is sharp and my spirits are high," it just compels me all the more to get moving.  And the thing is, I need that.  I need to go there.  It's not like "well maybe."  I'm late and I no info and no parts, but the universe is already working on that.

So I'm leaving without a working generator and with not enough solar, it's now a guess at 85 watts?  There have been solar struggles.  I'm not plugging in, can't afford to do that, my money is for batteries and wires and panels and food and water and propane and gas.  I'm bringing several things still in boxes that I have no idea how to use or fear of using them.  

So why don't I just stay and take my time?  We're all running out of time.  I have a window.  I have been planning this for awhile and the time has come.  That's all I can say.  It's very clear to me.  But I can't seem to pack today.  And for someone like me, a little neurotic but a pretty nice person, it could take me a week to pack.  I'm down to the wire. I've got a day to pack. Why is this fear tripping me up Again?  It's the worst.  I'm so tired of it.  Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

 

[jimindenver]

It is the fear of the unknown. I had it and still do every time I go someplace new. It is shorter lived now that I have been out here for a while but in the beginning I had days that I asked what the hell was I doing. Aside from the fear/anxiety there was also a constant feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. Some days all I could do was insist that I did anything, even the simplest thing just to get moving. Sort something little and I would feel better and do some more. The important thing is get moving.

It does get better. Hang in there.

 

[highdesertranger]

IMO the best thing you can do is to push through it. that's what I do when I get that feeling and every time I am glad I did. highdesertranger

 

[Charlotte's Web]

"...I'm down to the wire.   I've got a day to pack. Why is this fear tripping me up Again?  Does anyone know what I'm talking about?"

You're ready.  Sometimes being down to the wire makes it easier to get into the ZONE.  You've got a day to pack?  That's all you need.  Breathe deeply.  Relax.  Focus.  You can make it happen!

(And yes, I know exactly what you are talking about.)

Go for it!

Charlotte

 

[duckwonder]

I'm on it.

 

[ValerieP]

I understand- my fear manifests in crankiness. Recently, I had to drive to Long Beach. I was fearful of the drive, and I was cranky, but after I did it, and I was on the way home, I was exuberant!! I overcame that fear, and I did it. Push yourself through this- you will be so happy that you did.

 

[Spark]

FEAR.....
FACE
EVERYTHING
AND
RELEASE

We live in a world that constantly tells us we are powerless...DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT?

 

[Spark]

Oh and BTW...well all got yer back!!!

 

[DuneElliot]

You got this. Drink a beer or two and take one thing to the van. Have another beer and take another box to the van. It doesn't HAVE to all be done in an hour.

Eat lunch, take two more boxes to the van.

Drink another beer, sit on the porch and then take something else to the van.

Once you start you'll find the motivation to keep going...just to get it done because if you pause to think then the fear takes over again.

I feel for you because I've never had to deal with that kind of fear and can't imagine what it is like. My only fear is running out of money so I have anxiety when I want to find a job but it takes me more than a week to find one.

 

[highdesertranger]

Dune I like your thinking, " Drink a beer or two and take one thing to the van". highdesertranger

 

[Charlotte's Web]

" Drink a beer or two and take one thing to the van". 

If 'twas me I'd finish packing, then celebrate with a good bottle of French champagne!
Or at the very least a nice leggy Sonoma chardonnay......

Charlotte

 

[blmkid]

" This Too Shall Pass "

 

[Sleep]

Hi Duck!

 I feel your pain, or in this case fear. I have been having the exact same problems, and it is so aggravating. I figured it was the fear of the unknown also. Some days I can get a lot done, like yesterday. Then days like today I end up like you, watching more videos and hanging out  on the forum. But I also decided not to beat myself up over it. I haven't been able to set a departure date either, until now. I decided to stay in the apartment one more month. Once I get done with the initial purging I'm going to take off on a short trip maybe to Lake Havaseu to meet some others and look at other builds. It will also give me a chance to see what I need and what I don't.

It will also give me a chance to introduce Bella to the van life, which I'm sure she will like! Good luck, I know you can do it and I will be right behind you. What part of the country are you in now? Fell free to PM me, maybe we can give each other moral support!

 

[RollingOm]

Well, I have no generator, no solar, and no camper shell; all I have is a box and two wheels that will take me anywhere I want. Some of the things that I brought with me I have been disposing of along the way. Fear and anxiety are my generator and my solar to get me going and light my way as I keep driving 

You can do it, take your time, but keep at it, if that's what you really want.

 

[velojym]

While I haven't been to one, really wanting to get there, but probably won't make this next one, I get the idea that if you can get to the next RTR, there will be a huge number of friendly folks who may not even let you leave until everything is sorted.

Again, this isn't from experience, but I just get the idea that these are some of the friendliest, most helpful, and generous folks I've encountered... even though I haven't met any of 'em yet.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Solar isn't a necessity. Lots of supplies in transit, food can last a few days in a basic cooler, even without ice. Minimize your cold food needs with dry, fresh and canned. Heck, dollar menus are everywhere now, in a pinch. You won't starve. Don't be overwhelmed with all the details and completion. Most of us are ongoing with repairs and mods. Took me two summers to get my solar functional (thx Jim) and still don't really need it. You don't have to carry everything, can stop and get an ice cream or whatever on the road. Flex and adapt comes with the lifestyle. Necessity is the mother of invention. You do however need gas(money) and a reasonably reliable vehicle. Those are your first priorities. After that, make a list, prioritize and work at them as you go along. Your rig is your shelter and a good plan is your peace of mind. The open road is calling your name.

 

[duckwonder]

Well, I have no generator, no solar, and no camper shell; all I have is a box and two wheels that will take me anywhere I want. Some of the things that I brought with me I have been disposing of along the way. Fear and anxiety are my generator and my solar to get me going and light my way as I keep driving 

You can do it, take your time, but keep at it, if that's what you really want.

Hmm, thank you.  I have been pushing today running my errands and got that done and have tonite to pack, weigh tomorrow and head out if at all possible.  The glitch is that my generator is not running, I was going to fix it at my first stop on the road, but now they don't have the part either.  It's a common part.  It has been confirmed there are parts.  It's a woman thing and a large corporation.  So now I am wondering if I can even leave with no generator and barely, barely any solar and the only way to charge it is to drive and my dreams and plans involve boondocking for longer periods in the southwest.  My hopes for solar are through This community, a community I truly appreciate, but it is all an If because my van may not be able to take enough panels for me to get what I need.  It's helpful to hear one can survive without a generator and no or not enough solar, but no one wants to try that for long!  I do really want this and I plan to keep at it.  It's frustrating today with the company totally changing their attitude.  I am grateful for the forum.

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

Okay, this may help; ... or not, lol:-

F -False
E- Evidence
A- Appearing
R- Real

Also, I read/heard many people say in various forms that they were able to finally "overcome" their fears when they re-imagined their fear signs/signals as something else. For example, several performers/speakers/etc. have transformed in their minds the clenched stomach, dry mouth, sweat, and heightened anxiety they formerly considered as stage fright before a performance into an understanding that their body was preparing for another interaction and/or learning experience so their former fear was really excitement and anticipation. When their viewpoint changed they went from dreading the feelings to celebrating their growth and moving forward.

 

[duckwonder]

Solar isn't a necessity. Lots of supplies in transit, food can last a few days in a basic cooler, even without ice. Minimize your cold food needs with dry, fresh and canned. Heck, dollar menus are everywhere now, in a pinch. You won't starve. Don't be overwhelmed with all the details and completion. Most of us are ongoing with repairs and mods. Took me two summers to get my solar functional (thx Jim) and still don't really need it. You don't have to carry everything, can stop and get an ice cream or whatever on the road. Flex and adapt comes with the lifestyle. Necessity is the mother of invention. You do however need gas(money) and a reasonably reliable vehicle. Those are your first priorities. After that, make a list, prioritize and work at them as you go along. Your rig is your shelter and a good plan is your peace of mind. The open road is calling your name.

Wow, a lot to think about in there, thanks.

 

[highdesertranger]

one thing for sure your solar or generator is not going to get fixed where you are at. get out of there and get to Jamie's build out, if they can't help, then go from there. highdesertranger