A friend's strife

[SternWake]

I'll try to keep this short.

My good friend of 30+ years, about 20 years ago, fell in love with a woman who raised the hackles of everybody who has ever met her.

Paranoid, greedy, attention seeking, narcissistic, I honestly can't see any redeeming qualities to her whatsoever, and never could, and am not alone in this assessment, far from it.

Many people within our group of friends warned him, softly at first, then more aggressively, that she was not all there, that she was insulting, made everybody uncomfortable, but he was in love( first time), and kept saying he could help her. He was always kind of "special", and the youngest of our group of friends, and as such was given way more leeway than any other person would have been given.

We kept saying that she needs more help than he could possibly give her. We were not wrong. We all made allowances for her bizarre and insulting behavior. I told him this on many occasions, that people were ignoring her bizarre behavior out of like and respect for him, and that he could not expect this to continue indefinitely. The day would come where people would disinclude them both from any gathering, and infact it was already occurring well over a decade ago. But despite all the warning signs and obvious serious misgivings, he went and married her anyway.

For the last 20 years I have been pretending I do not despise a person, who is in every sense of the word, despicable. I have always hated being so two faced, pretending to be her friend. I seriously resent being forced into being so, and honesty am now relieved that I no longer have to pretend.

Fast forward to present. They have two very poorly adjusted kids together. 8 and 10 years old. Their behavior in the past can best be explained as shocking. The wife has embraced alcoholism as some form of stress relief, and taken it to a whole new level of depravity. Supposedly the guy she is cheating with is a meth dealer. She is a cheater, a liar, a horrible mother, and if only half the things she is said to have done, which have filtered down to me, are true, she is one of the most horrid and disgusting people I have ever encountered in my life.

Now, being a bachelor for life, I can understand my buddy not coming to me for marital/ relationship advice. But he does speak with our mutual friends about his current predicament, and they all tell me, that he has specifically asked them not to tell me all the crazy things she has been doing, and for the most part they have respected his wishes. They live 2500 miles away, and I am only a few miles away from the situation. They are like" I wish I was there to help him and give him support", which is kind of BS.

For the last 2 years our friendship has been strained. Whenever I'd ask what was going on I would be ignored, basically treated like a mushroom, kept in the dark and fed shit. He'd pretend everything was fine, I'd say I Knew from our mutual friends that he was lying, but that I knew no details as per his wishes, but would still receive the mushroom treatment, and would just let it go, for the most part.

Texts and voicemails would go unanswered, or just be so delayed in response, I just quit bothering, for the most part.

One of my the last attempts I texted him how he was fairing, and I get a "Terrible I need your Help!" response.

I though the situation was urgent, I ask what I can do? I call, I text, no response. A few hours later I get a text saying
"I need you to be around and get shit done for me."
Basically he is getting a divorce, going for full custody, and he wants me to drop everything and be a baby sitter for his children who have no concept of respect for your elders, and to help him move out.

I tell him of course I'd try and help, but my skills and patience with children are quite limited, which is obvious to anybody that knows me. This was about 2 months ago. His kids in the past have been so poorly behaved that I've had to leave the area, or deny entirely that I even knew who they were when among other adults who are simply shocked that any child be allowed to behave in such a manner. It's also been obvious by their questions that their Mommy has been talking crap about me and my lifestyle.

So he has never asked me to help him do anything specific. I asked when he was moving, so I could plan my schedule accordingly and help, but he could not be bothered to respond. Fed up, I quit bothering entirely at this point.

Now, he is apparently complaining to our mutual friends that I am doing nothing to help him. Honestly, I do not want to have to deal with his kids. I do not enjoy the company of children, even well behaved ones, and his are not, in any sense of the word. I already told him I never want to see his wife again, unless it is in a courtroom testifying against her. Our mutual friends have told him the same thing, but apparently he wants us all to go on pretending. Honestly she is so scheming and manipulative and a proven liar, I'm afraid that if I am around the kids, she will make up lies accusing me of .....you name it. Really, nothing can be put past her.

Apparently, our mutual friends have told him to stop calling them, just to complain about her behavior, if he was not going to do anything about it. He asked for a divorce nearly a year ago, but never did anything toward it. He kept saying he was staying with her for the kids, but if he was honest with himself, he only took the abuse because it was easier than dealing with a divorce, but she just kept increasing her depraved actions until there was no choice any longer. Even her parents were telling him to take the kids and get out. Her father calling his father and telling him he is sorry his mentally ill daughter ruined his son's life. Apparently, he still retains hope she will get sober and they can continue on as a family. She apparently walked out of a 30 day program on day 2.

This situation has been bothering me for a long time. I know he does not need any crap from me at this point in his life, yet all I want to do is give him crap, for bringing that shitstain of a woman into our lives, for being a nimrod who never took any good advice, and who had to prove everybody wrong, and failed, predictably.

His Brother always said that the only person crazier than her, was him, for marrying her. I do wonder about his sanity. Can you spend 20 years with someone who has obviously no marbles to have lost in the first place, and still retain your own marbles?

I feel like crap because he is/was a good friend and I'd like to help, but I'm angry at the mushroom treatment, and I'm angry at being forced to pretend to like someone, to have to hang out with someone whom I have despised for so long. Now I'm angry he hasn't asked for help moving out and is telling our mutual friends I have refused to help.

Any words of wisdom?

 

[kyonu]

My brother went through a similar situation, albeit it happened a lot quicker (as in, less than a year opposed to 20.) Me and all my friends warned him that this lady was up to no good, and only married to leave her parents' custody.

Turns out, she became a band groupie and slept with all the members, and didn't even tell my brother about it. They almost had a pregnancy, and she told him what she did only when she was certain she was pregnant--thankfully, she was not. Now she's gone and my bro is happier than ever.

My advice? She is a parasite, eating away at his person. He's obviously desperate, but he's also lazy. The unfortunate thing about laziness, is that no one can just "stop". You have to change your entire life in order to accompany something vastly different than what you're used to, that way "doing things" isn't so far fetched. I think he needs to really push the divorce, and needs to get her out of the house. From not-quite-personal experience, this will shorten his lifespan quite drastically. With them separating, this will be a good way for him to bond with his children and make them grow up a bit more maturely.

Lastly, there isn't much you or your pals can do, except what you are already doing, and ignoring his pleas. He declined your help, and that's 100% on him. You tried to help many times, and he still declined. He put himself in this position, and he has to get himself out. He will learn the hard way once all his friends no longer talk to him because of her.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

People are weird. He's with that woman because he WANTS to be with her. I had a drummer who hooked up with a psycho. One day he called me and said she was chasing him around with a loaded gun. He ran out of the house and called the cops and she got arrested (only because she had sent him threatening text messages that he showed the cops, otherwise I'm sure HE would have been the one arrested). So he asks me if I'll help him move all his stuff to a storage unit while she's in jail. So I spend all day doing that. Then guess what? He goes to court and asks them to release her. Later he told me it was the second time she chased him around the house with a loaded gun. I was afraid she might come to one of our gigs and shoot me for helping him move out. She probably wouldn't even do time for it.

It's good to avoid crazy people. People who don't want to avoid crazy people, are crazy themselves. Your buddy is crazy for being with that crazy woman. You're a little crazy yourself for not dumping him years ago. Lastly, I'm a little crazy for telling you all this, when in fact it won't do any good for anyone. People are weird.

 

[SternWake]

Thanks for the input.

I guess I'm conflicted now because I am not an outgoing person, and don't have many friends, live in an area of the country where I don't like the prevailing attitudes of most of the populace, and would like to keep those friends that I do have.

Apparently my friends who are on the other side of the country, feel that I should "step up" and go rescue him or something. Honestly I am more worried about losing them as friends because of this. I think My Friend out here was lost long ago, brainwashed and mentally warped by a psychotic evil greedy misandrist.

Wish I could go back in time and not fix my own mistakes, but pick him up by his scalp and slap some sense into him.
Fool.

 

[jeanontheroad]

Make sure when you try to reach out and help pull someone out of the quicksand that they aren't trying to pull you in.

 

[Donedirtcheap]

You knew it was a mess but you had to go and ask him how things are so he told you. Now he wants your help after you already told him not to do it. You tried to tell him about her because you are a true friend and care about people but there are some things you just cant fix. If I told someone not to do something and they do it anyway then they get the consequences, not me.
Its time for you to bail out. Drop out, dont call, dont text, dont answer. If you bump into him give him some bullshit story about your van, your health, and how you wish you could help. As far as the others, let them put their time and money where their mouth's are. Often times too many people just plain suck. Its just the way it is and it doesn't make you a bad person. Life is short, move on.

 

[wagoneer]

Sounds like drawing a line in the sand is not an option. Two young kids make it a worst case. Intervention with not only you might work a team effort (if a team exists) would offer strength in numbers. Alanon will be there for him. Sounds like she's a lost child.

 

[Donedirtcheap]

On top of all that what would you do with the kids? Would you sit and be tormented with a problem that you tried to prevent. It wouldn't end up good for me as Id have a fist full of their shirt in my hand and breathing hell into their faces. Its my way or you can be a ward of the state. But then I'm not good at being a liberal and we dont have time for bs, we have camping, dirt biking, swimming, hiking and other cool stuff to do. His kids are the way he WANTS his kids and it will get ugly if you try to discipline them.

 

[Patrick46]

I hate to say this, but all these guys are right!! ^^^

...especially when it comes to the kids.

If you don't like kids in the first place, then these monsters are gonna drive you nuts!! Heck, I have a hard tyme shelling out dicipline to my own grandkids...so how are you gonna be able to do that to these kids who are not even yours?? This isn't your job, nor is it your responsibility.
B'sides...unless you're qualifyed through your state...diciplining someone else's children can get you into a WORLD of trouble...no matter how noble your intentions may be. (...and how much the little bastards need it!!!)

It's a beautiful thing that you care so much, and that you really wanna help...but there's only so much one person can do.

My suggestion would be for you to just be there for your friend. If and when he needs someone to talk to and to ventilate to, then you can be there.
But this is HIS life, and he chose this road that he's on.........you didn't!

It's the same as having a friend who has a severe drinking or drug abuse problem. YOU cannot kick their addictions for them...this is something THEY hafta do on their own. And they have to WANT to make the changes too, or it'll NEVER happen.
We all have to fight our own demons, and this one isn't yours.

If you still care, then just be a friend. Be ready to talk and listen if he calls. It's really all you can do anyway.

 

[caseyc]

It's time to walk away and keep some distance from this. This is someone else's hell, not yours. I know lots of people who created their own hell and have to live it. You don't need to be sucked into it.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Any words of wisdom?

don't let this family drag you down with them.

He put himself in this position, and he has to get himself out.

Its time for you to bail out....Life is short, move on.

It's time to walk away and keep some distance from this.

I think I detect a trend here. So what are you going to do?

 

[SternWake]

If he calls, and asks for help moving, and my lower back is not tweaked like it is right now, I'll help.

If he asks again for me to watch his kids I'll decline. I feel bad for the kids, their mother is using them as pawns in her twisted game, but I doubt I can have any positive effect on them. I don't have the skills and honestly do not care to learn, and I fear their behavior will push my temper beyond its limits, I've already cursed out the son when he was being a demanding little shit. He looked amused at it.

If he asks for help in a text message again, instead of calling me, I'll call him the weenie he is and decline.

So, I'm not reaching out. He can, but I doubt he will.

So it goes

 

[Patrick46]

All of this sounds spot on!

except...

If he asks for help in a text message again, instead of calling me, I'll call him the weenie he is and decline.

I think I'd just send back a message to call me, and not text.
either he will, or he won't. Then you'll have your answer.


btw...the son WAS amused. He rattled your cage, and he knew it!
Best to just keep your distance from him at all costs, 'cause now he found your soft underbelly, and he'll make a beeline straight for it again!


Tough situation brother!! :/

 

[mconlonx]

If you want to be proactive about it, contact his parents, have them get in touch with her parents and be a facilitator for both families working things out. There's no way you can fix the situation alone but you could be part of some kind of solution for him. Maybe an intervention, maybe just saner heads talking things through with him. But he will need all kinds of support to get through it, more than you can provide, and as a friend vs. family, more than you should be asked to do. Be that outside influence guilt-tripping family members into actually giving a damn.

Wife no. 2 was crazy and I put up with a lot, without her being willing to put up with my quirks. My friends certainly didn't like her beyond the fact that she was my partner and I'm only now just reconnecting with people I like hanging out with after an 8 year hiatus. But it took 8 years to get it, lay down an ultimatum, and finally follow through with it. Like an addict, he'll only quit her if HE wants to. Sounds like he's basically there -- maybe figure out times to hang out with him in person, no kids, no crazy woman, and see if he's really ready to make a move.

 

[SternWake]

The more I think about the mushroom treatment, the angrier I get, and am less inclined to try and help him, even if asked again.

His complaining to our mutual friends that I did not run over there and act as a baby sitter sounds like a complaint directly out of his wife's mouth, and all her crazy ideals, on how things "should" be and how "it isn't fair!!!" whenever she did not get her way.

I fear his mind is genuinely warped from spending so much time amongst such a crazy person.

His Father has been trying for a long time to get him to take the kids and get out. He was always appalled at the kid's behavior and massive disrespect for anything and everything, and the total lack of discipline. His mother passed a few years ago, and knew dang well her son's wife was a full blown nut job. She was a friend of mine. His Brother was the most vocal in the beginning and throughout the marriage that she was nucking futz and is insisting that once divorced she adopt her maiden name again.

They moved away, in large part, to not wanting to subject their own children to the psycho wife.

I always thought there was some sort of Blackmail going on, like he had done something hideous in the past that only she knows about and is using it to blackmail him. I can't imagine anybody staying with such a person out of their own free will. Vows and promises or not.

One of the Mutual friends is saying he is coming out here soon. I kind of doubt he will, but if he does it will force us all together again, and we'll see how it goes.