Canine
Well-known member
This is a huge subject. We all have our own idea of risk management and how to identify various risks. Here are some that I use.
Fear. Do you feel fear or a sense of discomfort? Listen to it. Get the hell out first. Then look back and consciously evaluate why you felt like that. What were the warning signs that got your Spidey-sense tingling? Once you identify what that was, you can then make a more objective decision about the vaguely perceived threat. Stopping at the emotion part and making final decisions based on that alone is lazy and/or ignorant. It also may make you less safe in the long run. Here are a few ways to identify what is an actual threat.
Discounting the word, "No." If a man wants to walk a woman out to her car and she says, "no," then he should stop. If that man doesn't listen to her, then that is a warning sign that this man may be a predator. However, "no" is NOT a black and white word. I had a coworker that liked to tell the story of how she and her husband first met. He asked her out. She said no. He asked again. She said no again. This went back and forth for a few months until she finally relented to his persistence. They are now happily married with kids. Sometimes discounting the word no is predatory behavior; sometimes it is the beginning of love. Since I can't tell the difference, I'm a "No Means No" guy. Some of us have a better ability to identify in which contexts no is not a predatory behavior.
Charm. Being nice is sometimes being nice. Sometimes being nice is a prelude to crime. Is the person dressed a certain way to gain a perception of niceness to manipulate? Is the person a relative that is acting appropriately, but has bad intentions? Again, we need context and more clues. Nothing wrong with pointedly keeping yourself in a public place until you can better identify why this person is being nice.
Typecasting. If a woman tells a man, "Oh, come on. You aren't afraid of walking little ol' me through the alley? You aren't really going to let me walk by my lonesome are you?" That is using a stereotype that plays on the idea that men must be tough and protect the womenfolk. Does the man allow himself to feel small and be manipulated into walking in a dark alley with who knows how many people may be waiting to mug him? Or is this woman immature and has a somewhat dysfunctional idea on how to create healthy relationships?
Loan sharking. A woman drops a couple cans of tuna from one of her grocery bags that fill her arms. A man runs them down and places them back in one of the bags. Then after exchanging smiles, he asks for a coffee sometime. That alone isn't bad. Normal, non-predatory behavior. What is bad is if she declines and he says, "Oh, come on. I picked up those groceries for you. You can at least have a cup of coffee with me." Red flag here. He is implying that she owes him. She didn't ask for his help and in no way should she feel indebted to him. He may not be a bad guy, but he is clearly not being respectful and is using manipulation (a predatory behavior) to get a date. At the very least, he is not good a starting relationships. Either way, he isn't someone I'd want to pursue further relations with.
Forced teaming. Let's continue with the above example. He could then say, "Hey, we got those groceries in safe and sound..." Stop right there. There is no "we". There is no team. No relationship. He is trying to make the woman feel some kind of relationship that she would find more difficulty saying no to. This is in my opinion a better indentifier of predatory behavior.
Too many details. When people lie, they go on and on. Using excessive details to demonstrate credibility should have the opposite effect.
The Unsolicited Promise. "I promise I won't hurt you." "I promise if you just walk me down this alley, you won't see me again. I'm in a hurry and need to cut through the alley, so please will you walk me just to the next street?" There are no guarantees with a promise. It's just someone's words. Why is that person making promises in the first place? Likely to placate you so you feel better about ignoring that funny feeling in your gut. No one should discount your feelings in that manner. If the person has any kind of character, they won't make promises (promises that amazingly create a situation that puts you in a less defensible position usually by getting you alone) with someone they barely know. If you hear the word "promise", start looking for other signs that support predatory behavior.
Criminals almost always give multiple signs of their intentions when a person chooses not to fall for the first manipulation. When you keep these few things in mind, you can increase your chances of survival. It all starts with that feeling of fear. If you don't listen to that, you are much less likely to raise your awareness and start recognizing possible warning signs in context to evaluate a possible threat.
Context is key here. Scrutiny needs to be applied.
I'm encouraging you to feel and react to fear. Fear is our friend- it is not a bad thing unless we make it so. Then after the fear, I encourage you to think. Hopefully, this knowledge will help you be safer and more comfortable with the inevitable confrontations we all have.
Fear. Do you feel fear or a sense of discomfort? Listen to it. Get the hell out first. Then look back and consciously evaluate why you felt like that. What were the warning signs that got your Spidey-sense tingling? Once you identify what that was, you can then make a more objective decision about the vaguely perceived threat. Stopping at the emotion part and making final decisions based on that alone is lazy and/or ignorant. It also may make you less safe in the long run. Here are a few ways to identify what is an actual threat.
Discounting the word, "No." If a man wants to walk a woman out to her car and she says, "no," then he should stop. If that man doesn't listen to her, then that is a warning sign that this man may be a predator. However, "no" is NOT a black and white word. I had a coworker that liked to tell the story of how she and her husband first met. He asked her out. She said no. He asked again. She said no again. This went back and forth for a few months until she finally relented to his persistence. They are now happily married with kids. Sometimes discounting the word no is predatory behavior; sometimes it is the beginning of love. Since I can't tell the difference, I'm a "No Means No" guy. Some of us have a better ability to identify in which contexts no is not a predatory behavior.
Charm. Being nice is sometimes being nice. Sometimes being nice is a prelude to crime. Is the person dressed a certain way to gain a perception of niceness to manipulate? Is the person a relative that is acting appropriately, but has bad intentions? Again, we need context and more clues. Nothing wrong with pointedly keeping yourself in a public place until you can better identify why this person is being nice.
Typecasting. If a woman tells a man, "Oh, come on. You aren't afraid of walking little ol' me through the alley? You aren't really going to let me walk by my lonesome are you?" That is using a stereotype that plays on the idea that men must be tough and protect the womenfolk. Does the man allow himself to feel small and be manipulated into walking in a dark alley with who knows how many people may be waiting to mug him? Or is this woman immature and has a somewhat dysfunctional idea on how to create healthy relationships?
Loan sharking. A woman drops a couple cans of tuna from one of her grocery bags that fill her arms. A man runs them down and places them back in one of the bags. Then after exchanging smiles, he asks for a coffee sometime. That alone isn't bad. Normal, non-predatory behavior. What is bad is if she declines and he says, "Oh, come on. I picked up those groceries for you. You can at least have a cup of coffee with me." Red flag here. He is implying that she owes him. She didn't ask for his help and in no way should she feel indebted to him. He may not be a bad guy, but he is clearly not being respectful and is using manipulation (a predatory behavior) to get a date. At the very least, he is not good a starting relationships. Either way, he isn't someone I'd want to pursue further relations with.
Forced teaming. Let's continue with the above example. He could then say, "Hey, we got those groceries in safe and sound..." Stop right there. There is no "we". There is no team. No relationship. He is trying to make the woman feel some kind of relationship that she would find more difficulty saying no to. This is in my opinion a better indentifier of predatory behavior.
Too many details. When people lie, they go on and on. Using excessive details to demonstrate credibility should have the opposite effect.
The Unsolicited Promise. "I promise I won't hurt you." "I promise if you just walk me down this alley, you won't see me again. I'm in a hurry and need to cut through the alley, so please will you walk me just to the next street?" There are no guarantees with a promise. It's just someone's words. Why is that person making promises in the first place? Likely to placate you so you feel better about ignoring that funny feeling in your gut. No one should discount your feelings in that manner. If the person has any kind of character, they won't make promises (promises that amazingly create a situation that puts you in a less defensible position usually by getting you alone) with someone they barely know. If you hear the word "promise", start looking for other signs that support predatory behavior.
Criminals almost always give multiple signs of their intentions when a person chooses not to fall for the first manipulation. When you keep these few things in mind, you can increase your chances of survival. It all starts with that feeling of fear. If you don't listen to that, you are much less likely to raise your awareness and start recognizing possible warning signs in context to evaluate a possible threat.
Context is key here. Scrutiny needs to be applied.
I'm encouraging you to feel and react to fear. Fear is our friend- it is not a bad thing unless we make it so. Then after the fear, I encourage you to think. Hopefully, this knowledge will help you be safer and more comfortable with the inevitable confrontations we all have.