Settle down or hit the road?

[dolly llama]

I found this delightful forum when searching "fear of settling down".&nbsp; I'm really glad my search landed me here.&nbsp; I had no idea such a way of life was a "thing" and applaud you all for your courage to live from the deepest callings of your soul.&nbsp; It is an inspiration. <br><br>While I'm not considering this exact sort of life, I hope you will consider me a kindred spirit.&nbsp; I've always felt on the fringes and looked into the sort of suburban, white washed existence with a mixture of suspicion and curiosity.&nbsp; I have a shaky family background, a couple of divorces behind me, and have traveled extensively, even living for a time in Europe and Kuwait.&nbsp; What I love most is new cultures, cities.&nbsp; I think it gives me a *reason* for feeling like an outsider.&nbsp; It is one thing to feel foreign in Mainstream, USA and another to feel that way in an actual foreign country.&nbsp; <br><br>So here's what I am asking your advice on-&nbsp; I am at a good crossroads in life.&nbsp; My last occupational endeavor fell through.&nbsp; I have no debt, except for student loans that are currently in grace period.&nbsp; I do not have children.&nbsp; I have been thinking of going into the teaching English overseas circuit.&nbsp; From my understanding of it, it is entirely feasible to work a year (or however long I wish) in, say, Taiwan, then move onto another country, etc and work my way around the world.&nbsp; I would make enough to pay off my loans in 5 years.&nbsp; Maybe I decide to retire somewhere in South America when the time comes.&nbsp; <br><br>So, I see me taking side trips to explore Buddhist temples, trying new foods, meeting other like minds, time enough to read and delve into spiritual topics, work on my art...all while breaking down boundaries teaching little kids to speak English.&nbsp; I am realistic...the work may be hard and long...living other parts of the world can be challenging...etc.&nbsp; But the idea feels like a yearning that will not go away.&nbsp; I keep coming back to it.&nbsp; <br><br>My problem is that I'm with a man who is much more traditional.&nbsp; He knows my idea.&nbsp; He sees a future of kids, a house, road trip to Yosemite.&nbsp; He might be interested in teaching overseas in a few years when he retires (he's military), but would definitely want a home base in the USA.&nbsp; I love him, and we have a nice relationship...so why do I keep going back to a life on the global road?&nbsp; Even if there is a compromise somehow, can I really be satisfied with a traditional household setup- me doing the cooking and cleaning, giving my life over in service to children, 2 dogs and a cat, PTA meetings, etc.... is it just my negative experiences growing up that are working on me and wholesale rejecting anything approaching stability?&nbsp; What if I come to love a good family life?&nbsp; If I left, would I be throwing away a good thing and in 10 years, come to regret leaving such a wonderful man? <br><br>I'm torn.&nbsp; Maybe someone can relate.&nbsp; I am not afraid of loneliness.&nbsp; I am definitely not afraid of a "different" life.&nbsp; What I am afraid of is my life being taken over by obligations...being trapped, smothered.&nbsp; Thanks for listening.&nbsp; This has been nagging me for a year.

 

[caseyc]

Wow, it sounds like you have some major soul searching to do! &nbsp; I'm not quite in your shoes but can relate on multiple levels.&nbsp; My worst fear is to be saddled with long term obligations and debts that I don't want, especially when it's someone else's stuff they are trying to foist upon me.&nbsp; I prefer a lifestyle of freedom, or at least to be free of such things as babies/kids, mortgages, and dependents of any kind.&nbsp; I've been told I'm selfish by 2 out of 3 of my ex wives, but hey, what I say?&nbsp; At least I know what I want and don't want.&nbsp; Turns out getting divorced every time was the right move, the better move&nbsp;would have been&nbsp;to&nbsp;never have&nbsp;married them in the first place of course.&nbsp; I too may one day move out of the US and settle in some decent 3rd world country like Malaysia or Thailand, as I've heard good things about those countries in being able to live off of $1,200 a month pretty nicely.&nbsp; Good luck to you! -Casey

 

[rvwandering]

You have a tough decision to make. None of us can really help with it but I think that you have to have a long talk with your friend so that he understands how important traveling and new experiences are for you. And if you do end up in a more traditional lifestyle there's no reason for you to be trapped in a 1950s existence. Live a conventional life but share all of the mundane day-to-day tasks and get away for fun and travel as much as possible.<br><br>&nbsp;I've known that I wanted (needed) to travel from a very young age. Fortunately Tony really likes it too. We had a close to normal lower middle class life while our daughter was growing up but all of that time we were also planning our great escape. From what I read on this forum and other RV forums, this is pretty unusual. If one person wants to roam, the other prefers to be stationary. It's hard to compromise because the desires of the other person are so different.<br><br>&nbsp;Good luck with your decision.

 

[owl]

&nbsp;&nbsp; OK, I'm a lot like you in many ways. So, I'll give you my perspective. You found this forum when you researched " fear of settling down". What does that tell you?&nbsp;"What I love most is new cultures, cities" a direct quote. What does that tell you? "But the idea feels like a yearning that will not go away. I keep coming back to it." What does that tell you? "What I'm afraid of is my life being taken over-- What does that tell you? Get the job overseas lined up, buy the ticket, get your butt out of here! Everything going on here will be around when and if you come back. The man in your life will understand and remain in your life if he gets it. His visiting you in your choice of countries might even be a life changing experience for him! Trapped, smothered, two more of your words. Those are very powerful feelings that many of us here have first hand experience with. I hope you have a wonderful, eventful, exciting life doing things you love. I bet I speak for a lot of us here, don't leave us behind. Let us know how your life adventure turns out, I for one am very interested! Take care.<BR><BR>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Michael

 

[Stargazer]

Dolly,

I absolutely understand.

I was married, with two children, for 20 years to a wonderful man who was kind, solid, dependable, and traditional (although he did cook and help with household chores). I was the adventuress, always wanting to see what was over the next hill. He was happiest in places that he knew. We had a really good marriage. He died five years ago.

During our time together, I sometimes felt held back. When I wanted to camp our way to Alaska, he said no, the roads are too bad. I deferred and we went to Yellowstone, instead. When I wanted to go to Europe, he said no, it's too dangerous. I deferred, choose your battles. Once, after his saying no to Vegas many times, I told him I was going without him. He deferred and went with me. He had such a good time--wasn't that a great idea he had ;-) .

After he died, I booked a luxury cruise on the Mediterranean. I drove to Alaska. Ate nothing but lobster for four days in Maine. Caught a 35" spring chinook salmon on the Columbia River. Met a lady musher and her 12 Siberian huskies in Canada. Rode a bicycle 26 miles through the foothills and around an active smoldering volcano in Guatemala. Accidentally stumbled on a small island, fishing village, off the barrier islands on the Atlantic coast, that bears my maiden name (who knew?).

Some days, I revel in the freedom that allows me to do these things that he would never have done and I would not have done without him. Some days, I would trade it all for one hour with him. Some days, I get angry that he wouldn't do these things with me, that I didn't fight harder for it. Some days, I am thankful that he was the steady rock upon which I knew I could rely.

But the only day that matters is today. Right here, right now.

I do not envy you this decision you have to make. Is there no way to have both?

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

I don't have much to add other than, wow, this group of people always comes thru. Your answers to Dolly are all so thoughful.<BR><BR>I forced my husband to stay with me for years before giving him the divorce he badly wanted. I did him nor me any good. Are you doing whats best for both of you by prolonging your years on 2 paths?&nbsp; Even if you are together, if your imagination is always somewhere else doing something else, you are not with him. Is that right and will you grow to resent each other?<BR><BR>Regrets in 10 years? You will have regrets either way, if you stay or if you leave. This is human nature to always second guess oneself.<BR><BR>One other thought, my experience. I did not want kids at all. I was 33 and 36 when I had my two kids. I only had them to please my husband. After a few years I came to realize, kids were the best thing (for me) That I ever could have done. Point being, if you have kids, you will probably not regret it and have love you didn't know you had in you, or if you don't have kids, life will be fine too.<BR><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #ff00ff">Dragonfly</SPAN></STRONG>

 

[Seraphim]

O ly you can decide what you think will make you happy. There aren't guarantees: either choice could be a wrong one or right one. No crystal ball that I'm aware of.

Make the best choice you can, and work as hard as you can to make that choice pay off. If it turns out you were wrong, then make another choice and try again. If it turns out you made the proper one, the great.

As for your companion, I would find out NOW if he would ever consider the travelling life with you. Depending on his answer may help you decide if you need to make a decision now, or wait u til after he retires, when you might have both the travel and the companion. If he answers, "absoultutely not!" then you need to start making a decision now.

DW and I are kindred spirits when it comes to travel; but were she not, I would choose her. That's my priority.

Good luck.

 

[WanderingRain]

I cannot offer any advice on the choices you have to make. They are choices not available to me for I have not faced your road before (or maybe I had and broke up relationships early--who knows...).<br><br>However, your mentioning of Taiwan reminded me of my trip there more than 3 weeks ago. It will open your eyes and you will be AMAZED.<br>I now call Taiwan a true first world. Holding fast to tradition while embracing a quickly developing future.<br>The discipline of people and the order of that society is astounding.<br>You can go on a shoestring budget.&nbsp;<br>I went there spending only $400 for 4 days --hotel and flight included (but I did fly from the Philippines which is closer).<br>It's civilization on a whole other level I have not even imagined possible. Certainly not a country I thought was "developing".&nbsp;No, no no.&nbsp;<br>It is so advanced, it is actually painful for me to realize we've fallen behind this tiny island and its 6,000 year old culture.&nbsp;<br>The freaking hotel amenities alone are unbelievable.<br><br>I cannot imagine visiting Taipei as an older person. There's so much to do and so many cuisines to try. You need a younger, robust body to withstand the foodie experience and all the walking. Otherwise, you'd be confined to a tour bus along with the other retirees following a set route. Man, I felt really lucky to be young and have the stamina to walk all over the place. The tour groups were herded like cattle through the museums but we were free to examine the priceless artifacts to our heart's content. So much to see and experience!<br><br>More of my Taipei adventure can be read here:&nbsp;<br>http://rodwanderer.blogspot.com/<br><br>This is part of why I chose to be a vagabond now in my 40's. My life has indeed BEGUN!<br>I cannot wait to see other Asian countries nearby. My travel buddy from Texas is my guest in my home here in the Philippines and he is fast falling in love with the islands.&nbsp;<br><br>When I compiled my pictures today, I realized I've been all over the place since 2009 when I began this odyssey.<br>Prior to this, I've been living most of my life in San Antonio Texas.<br><br>New Orleans. Corpus Christi (3 times), Laredo, Houston (more times than I can count), Austin, Dallas, Riverside CA, Koreatown Los Angeles, Boston MA, Maine, Connecticut... Overseas, I lived in Sydney (4 months), Brisbane (8 months), visited Canberra, Wellington New Zealand, came home to the Philippines and lived an aggregate of nearly a year the past 3 years here... I went back and forth during all that time... Philippines, Australia, New Zealand... then the occasional trip back to the US of A to file my taxes and reconnect with family and friends. (my work is mobile --I specifically sought out work that would be mobile. This was not easy to set up but once I managed to get everything online --my banking, etc., things just fell into place. &nbsp;I worked on my laptop the entire flight from LA to Manila since nowadays you can plug your computer into sockets on chairs.) Now, I just came back from Taiwan with my travel buddy from San Antonio. I went to one beach resort and an island tour just this year alone.&nbsp;<br><br>And living out here in Asia is so cheap... you won't need to resort to van living at all.<br>Just today, I threw a party for 18 relatives at a restaurant to the tune of just $100.<br><br>Anyway, I can go on and on... that's my two cents. There will always be a choice and none of us can have everything in life (unless you are a millionaire but even then they have responsibilities and worries we cannot even think of). Good luck with your decision!&nbsp;

 

[WanderingRain]

I suppose I shouldn't say I wasn't offered the chance to settle down. I was... 3 times.<br>First girl was not adventurous at all. No curiosity about other cultures, no involvement with world changing ideas. I had to cut the relationship off early. It went nowhere.&nbsp;<br>Second girl I knew we would not agree on religion. She's way too much of an eager converter for Christ and I just wasn't gonna have any of that, I knew deep in my heart. (I was a "all religions pray to one god anyway" type of person at the time) She traveled a lot for she was a missionary but I did not see myself traveling to places just to accompany her on her conversion missions. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth when they hold food ransom while they give sermons to hungry children first.<br>Third girl was settled down and would only travel down well worn paths. There's an itinerary, guided tours and schedules.&nbsp;<br>While some of that was fun, I would not find that fulfilling in the long run. Plus, we had way different life goals. I wanted to travel more, she settles in one place and would travel only occasionally (living in other countries long term is out of the question).<br>I could have stayed and supporter her in her career, but I suppose that wasn't in my heart to do even for someone I loved. (or maybe the love wasn't intense enough to convince me to stay by her side and forget my dreams...)<br><br>So I guess I have been given chances.<br>And I took the path less traveled.&nbsp;<br>So yeah, now I am single, 40 but I got tons of pictures and experiences everywhere and racking up more each month that I live on this good earth. <img rel="lightbox" src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" class="bbc_img"><br><br>Anyway, good luck with your decision.&nbsp;

 

[WanderingRain]

I am sure with much deliberation and soul searching, you will come to the right decision that best suits you. <img src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" align="absmiddle"><br><br>

 

[Seraphim]

Middle aged memory - forgot I had already responded...

 

[ilovemyvan]

Hi Dolly,<br><br>This will sound very simplistic but it's the best tool I know to tell me what I really want. Please keep an open mind.<br><br>When I&nbsp;gave a decision a lot of thoughts&nbsp;and&nbsp;I'm still&nbsp;confuse&nbsp;and still&nbsp;can't figure out what&nbsp;my heart&nbsp;'really' want I flip a coin....yap.&nbsp;<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>The&nbsp;very first reaction you have</strong> </span>when you see heads or tail&nbsp;speaks volume. If I am very please and excited with the outcome I know that it was what I really wanted to start with. If I'm upset about the outcome....it tells me that the other choice is the winner. That very first reaction doesn't lie, you didn't have time to over think it. Try it you have nothing to lose.<br><br>All the best to you.<br><br>Nicole

 

[Kimbopolo]

Good luck with this important decision. You are wise to ask yourself these questions now before you have children.

 

[my_vantasy]

+1 to what himandnick said. I know it may sound wacky, but I knew someone who had a tough decision to make. A good friend of hers (and a Law Professor to boot) suggested the flip a coin method. She made the right choice!

 

[James AKA Lynx]

How active will you be at home?<br><br>There has been reports that when people retire they sit around and do nothing and die in 2 years on average. This may have changed. So, if you have enough to do then stay at home. However, traveling will keep you busy. After some years, you may not be able to and have to find a land base. <br><br>If you can find a traveling lifestyle that fits you, go for it, even if it is only 3 months out of the year.<br><br>James AKA Lynx

 

[OldbutDurable]

Hi Dolly,<br>There is no "right" or "wrong" answer really. &nbsp;Since there are consequences to all decisions, sit down and discuss it with your guy. &nbsp;Often it can be worked out to where you try it for 3-4 years and then make a final decision. &nbsp;Often the wanderlust never goes away and sometimes like myself, it is now only the U.S. in which I choose to travel, as I have been to over 20 foreign countries. &nbsp;I now confine myself to the west and southwest mostly. &nbsp;Even if I tried, I could never see all the wonderful sights in just the 8-10 western and southwestern states. &nbsp;<br><br>I can tell you though, that "feeling" that you have to go out and explore will not be quenched by the traditional style of Americana until YOU have made the decision whether that is what you want or not. &nbsp;I would suggest however, to do it&nbsp;<span style="text-decoration: underline;">before</span> you have children though. &nbsp;You do not state your age, but since you still have student loans, I will make the assumption, hopefully correct, that you are &lt;32yrs old. &nbsp;IF, and I say IF, you are willing to wait a bit before you settle down (marriage, PTA, diapers, etc., etc.) and indeed that is what you eventually choose to do, then going now might be good for you. &nbsp;<br><br>It is at best an unenviable position and at worst, even tougher than that since there is another person you care deeply for in your life at this moment. &nbsp;This is a tough decision. &nbsp;The fears that you presented are very real and if you choose to settle down BEFORE the traveling overseas, it will always be in your mind, in some form, no matter how what, and it may&nbsp;subtly&nbsp;reside/hide in your subconscience. &nbsp;Yes, you should still be young enough to travel after the kids are up and gone, but will hubby go with you then? &nbsp;<br><br>No easy answers for sure. &nbsp;Whatever one you make, stand tall, chin up, and the very best to you.<br><br>ObD<br><br>

 

[monical]

I am puzzled about it. There is no right answer. It depends on your heart.

 

[dolly llama]

Thanks for your replies.&nbsp; I will try the coin method of gut-checking! <br><br>I've done a lot of talking with my guy but am still as torn as ever.&nbsp; He knows my ambiguity, which is distressing to him, naturally.&nbsp; And I've fallen into a depression, which doesn't make anything easier and is really affecting the relationship to boot.&nbsp; At this point I'm not sure if the damage done is permanent. <br><br>We have worked some things out and clarified our expectations about life.&nbsp; I'm 35 and *have* decided to not have kids.&nbsp; He says he is okay with that- being with me is more important.&nbsp; He would be willing to try the overseas life for a year but isn't sure he would like it long term.&nbsp; He's an old fashioned American boy, and I think he definitely would want to settle down here, though he might enjoy traveling as money permits.&nbsp; I'm trying to be a hopeful realist, but I know life often gets in the way of travel and in any case, it could be 8 years until he was retired from the military and able to go anywhere long term.&nbsp; The thought of putting my dream on hold for 8 years is...disappointing. But...if I wanted to continue the relationship, I think I could scratch my worldly itch right here though volunteer work, US travel, etc.&nbsp; I live in Southern California and there is so much to see and do here. <br><br>I've been unemployed for 4 years and my life has been pretty empty in that time.&nbsp; This has been my own doing...I moved here for a previous marriage and didn't establish my own life.&nbsp; My marriage was short and disastrous (alcoholism- his not mine) and I was uncertain about my future the whole time.&nbsp; When that ended, I joined the National Guard, went through training, and an injury prevented me going any further.&nbsp; It was at that point I met my current guy. <br><br>So a big part of my ambiguity is that I never got on my own feet after my divorce.&nbsp; I'm not sure I'm ready for another marriage just yet, which is a dealbreaker for my guy.&nbsp; He wants to get married by the end of the year!&nbsp; I love him...but I want to have a job, some friends, some outside hobbies...an identity outside of the relationship.&nbsp; <br><br>I know I need that.&nbsp; But I am having massive trouble creating it where I live.&nbsp; A job is central, which is why my thoughts went to overseas work.&nbsp; From what I hear, it is easy to pick up a job as a native English speaker in Asia.&nbsp; But that comes at the cost of giving up the only person I truly have in my life.&nbsp; And then I start to question...is it really HIM, the flesh and spirit of this man in particular, or having someone that cares about me, the companionship, etc?<br><br>So, I'm a mess!&nbsp; And he's a mess, and the relationship is getting messy.&nbsp; I know all of this is hurting him and I feel so guilty because of that.&nbsp; We were building a life together and things were great, then I started questioning my path in life and it's all gone to crap.&nbsp; I don't know if it's possible to work this out for myself and keep a relationship humming along at the same time.&nbsp; That's not fair to him either.&nbsp; I am running out of time, for his sake as well as mine.&nbsp; Not making a decision...is a decision, too.&nbsp; He's being really great about this and actually sympathizes with my position.&nbsp; He says whatever I decide, I have to leave the alternative behind in my mind and make whatever path work.&nbsp; He's right, and being so, so great about this...which adds to my confusion.&nbsp; Darn it, why can't he be a total jerk!??&nbsp; <img src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" align="absmiddle"> <br><br>Thanks for listening...this is hard.

 

[Stargazer]

Dolly,

He insists you marry by the end of the year? Red flag!

You haven't established your own identity, apart from a relationship (bad ones that I'm sure left some baggage)? Another red flag!

You're both a "mess"? Third red flag!

Forget your dreams of travel in this decision. The question is, "Do you want to be with this guy for the rest of your life?" and you're not sure? That means "No!".

Two messed up people getting married means a messed up marriage and a messed up divorce later.

As for the travel, maybe that's how you'll find yourself and get yourself on track. Getting married to anyone, when you don't know who you are or what you want, isn't fair to either one of you.

 

[dolly llama]

You're right!&nbsp; You're right, right, right!<br><br>I got quiet and still and did some gut-level thinking yesterday.&nbsp; What if the shoe was on the other foot, if I was gung-ho about marriage and my partner expressed concerns about being ready?&nbsp; No way, no WAY would I rush them.&nbsp; I know it would be a disaster if they married me before they were 100% into it, and why on earth would I want another human being to make such a commitment to me without being fully ready?&nbsp; If marriage were really important to me, I might have to make a stand in a few years or whatever...but I think love of a person and desire to be with them has nothing to do with marriage.&nbsp; <br><br>Or if my partner came to me and said they had a burning desire to do a stint in the Peace Corps or something...what would my response be?&nbsp; Babe, I'll miss you, but we can manage.&nbsp; Go, take awesome pictures, have the experience you need to feel whole, and we will make it work if that is what you want.&nbsp; How could I live with myself if I held someone back from their dreams??<br><br>No, we are trying to make up for our bad marriages.&nbsp; Not to say we don't love and care for one another....he is a GREAT guy, but the simple truth is I am not ready.&nbsp; The thought of changing my last name again when I just got my maiden name restored makes me feel squirmy.&nbsp; I need and want to just be ME for a while.&nbsp; And the payment he is asking me to make is not fair, to me or him.&nbsp; <br><br>I have to go overseas.&nbsp; I just have to.&nbsp; As soon as I accepted this yesterday, my mind was like a runaway train, immediately started going towards planning it, wondering what kind of food there will be, what I will need to bring.&nbsp; I even found a mail service that will allow me to retain a US address and will forward anything to me, so I can buy shoes or whatever for myself if I need.&nbsp; There is an excitement to my thinking, and while I'm not looking forward to hurting him, I am excited and the fog has lifted. <br><br>Thank you so much!&nbsp; <br><br>