Not Exactly New

[mdoverl]

Hello Fellow Travelers,
  I've posted on here before, but wasn't sure where I should put this. I was living out of my car back in October 2016 till December 2016, and I loved it. That situation came about because my girlfriend and her parents kicked me out of her house because we argued to much. In December she begged me to come back, because her parents were going back to China, and she wanted me around to help out with our kids (we have a 3 year old son and a 7 month old daughter together.).
  The problem is, I hate, being, around, my girlfriend, and I'm constantly thinking of leaving her, but I stay around for my kids. It's torture to be honest, few moments of happiness spent with my kids, then having it pierced when she gets upset about money and refers to me on a daily basis as being low class because I make 35 thousand a year compared to her 70 thousand a year she makes.
  I preferred staying at work and I always voluntary to work extra hours so I can stay away from home, and tell her I'm forced to work longer hours.
  I'm not going to sit here and make a list of complaints, because seriously, who would want to read that? And I'm aware of my two options, 1. Suck it up and stay with a woman who hates me, and I hate her, or 2. Leave.
  Both options has Pro's and Cons, the primary Pro being that I'll won't be around her, and the biggest CON being that I won't being able to see my kids. I just wanted to get other peoples insight into this matter. Hopefully there is some people here who have been through what I'm going through right now, I really want to hear your stories and how you dealt with those issues before I make my choice.

 

[CautionToTheWind]

Hate being around her...those are some strong words. Is she an "alpha" woman? Keeping peace at your expense is no fun way to live!

 

[Wabbit]

That choice is on you my friend. I sympathize with you and in all likelihood, you will get visitation rights. You will also have to pay support. Sometimes the support amount is not in a "fair" range and you might keep getting hassled by the ex to have it upped. Are you able to "tune her out"? If she is a vindictive type, she might not be out of your life until the child is off support. Tough decision. Hey...just get custody of the kid(s)...somehow... Best of luck to you.

EDIT: Rereading this I think the end comes out vaguely sinister. Not my intention. Keeping a journal with detailed facts and proof to back it up is more what I had in mind. Or something similar.

 

[highdesertranger]

Welcome mdoverl to the CRVL forums! To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips & Tricks" post lists some helpful information to get you started. We look forward to hearing more from you. I can't help you with your personal life, but I can try to answer your questions about living in your vehicle. highdesertranger

 

[cyndi]

You're teaching your kids by example. They are learning how to not be happy. you have rights, as a father, even when you choose to teach your kids they have a right to happiness.

 

[mdoverl]

Hate being around her...those are some strong words. Is she an "alpha" woman? Keeping peace at your expense is no fun way to live!

She is very much an Alpha and dreams of being in the Upper Social Class

 

[DannyB1954]

I would first try Marriage counseling. You seemed to get along 16 months ago,( 7 month old child + 9 months). Maybe she has post childbirth emotion issues. Some women get them, you have to realize that a lot of physical things like hormone changes also take place, and an unhappy woman makes for an unhappy man.

When something brakes don't you first try to fix it before you toss it out? Best wishes to you.

 

[sephson]

My parents split up when I was 12. My sister and I stayed with our mother. The rest of my siblings were already adults and out of the house. Their divorce was the best thing that could have happened to my family. Neither was happy with the other and that unhappiness poisoned all the relationships in the family. With them no longer living in the same house, a weight no one new they were carrying was lifted. It took some time, but without the constant tension of living in the same house as two people who didn't want to be together, my sister and I ended up having a stronger relationship with both of our parents. My parents also got along a lot better when they no longer had to share living space.

 

[mdoverl]

That choice is on you my friend. I sympathize with you and in all likelihood, you will get visitation rights. You will also have to pay support. Sometimes the support amount is not in a "fair" range and you might keep getting hassled by the ex to have it upped. Are you able to "tune her out"? If she is a vindictive type, she might not be out of your life until the child is off support. Tough decision. Hey...just get custody of the kid(s)...somehow... Best of luck to you.

EDIT: Rereading this I think the end comes out vaguely sinister. Not my intention. Keeping a journal with detailed facts and proof to back it up is more what I had in mind. Or something similar.

I'm not worried about paying child support, that is something that should be any person's responsibility who is longer with their kids. When I was out of the house for a few months the girlfriend would not let me see my kids then, so I'm sure she would do that in the future. Oddly enough, she never listed me as the father on the children's birth certificate.
  Also, she has refused to married me (I bought a ring and everything), but specifically wanted to have two kids with me. She didn't want to marry me before we had our first child because I had debt from my car loan, I think it was about 24 thousand, which is understandable at the time. Now I only owe like 2 thousand and she still refuses to get married. Odd.

 

[mdoverl]

I would first try Marriage counseling. You seemed to get along 16 months ago,( 7 month old child + 9 months). Maybe she has post childbirth emotion issues. Some women get them, you have to realize that a lot of physical things like hormone changes also take place, and an unhappy woman makes for an unhappy man.

When something brakes don't you first try to fix it before you toss it out? Best wishes to you.

We tried counseling, but she would always try to take over the session. The counselor would try to talk about specific things, but the girlfriend would only want to talk about what she wanted to talk about. There have been many periods where i pretty much hold in all my anger for a month or two and try to get along with her. But it gets to a point where I get tired of being called low class trash (literally she says this every few days when money arguments come up).

 

[mdoverl]

My parents split up when I was 12. My sister and I stayed with our mother. The rest of my siblings were already adults and out of the house. Their divorce was the best thing that could have happened to my family. Neither was happy with the other and that unhappiness poisoned all the relationships in the family. With them no longer living in the same house, a weight no one new they were carrying was lifted. It took some time, but without the constant tension of living in the same house as two people who didn't want to be together, my sister and I ended up having a stronger relationship with both of our parents. My parents also got along a lot better when they no longer had to share living space.

I really wish my previous split up with my girlfriend went as smooth as your experience. She did everything to make the time as painful as possible. Wouldn't let me see my kids, was cancelling payments for my car and insurance that our shared account was used to pay for (which my pay checks went into, and only my checks, not hers), and draining the bank account as much as possible, about 20 dollars per week, if I was lucky (which I was able to survive on, barely). I eventually had to get a new account, keep 60-80 dollars for myself, and give her the remaining paycheck. She refused to let me get my belongings for the a couple weeks, but I had to show up with a police office at the house to get my items.   During that time period we were trying to draw up papers with a lawyer for child support, but she didn't want to give me any visitations rights, she was trying to get to give up my rights to the kids (it was funny the first time the lawyer called, he was trying to be all threatening, and I let him go on for a very long time, and finally was like "Hey, i have no problem paying child support").
  I really wish I had more positive things to say everyone, I really do. I appreciate the feed back from you guys though.

 

[OutdoorFT]

Sounds like a woman Id never talk to. Sorry you had 2 kids with her, as thats the anchor for you. My parents divorced when I was 7/8ish and my mom made more than my dad. But, never was a money issue as it was personality clashing.

No excuse (post childbirth emotion crap) for being treated that way. Sorry, youre in for a long 18 years.

 

[WalkaboutTed]

I went through what you have going on now. Not the same details, but essentially a total Hell. All I can do is to say "hire an attorney ". Though a lot of good that will do you. I spent six figures. I kept all the depositions and transcripts from court in case the kids came back, as adults, later to question what happened. They never did. They agreed that he was an *******. At least you can say you tried your best.

Until the sheer hell of court battles, I believed "truth and justice will prevail". That's the case only if you have the money. Three attorneys against one. He with the most money wins. Well, really, but the attorneys win too. It certainly isn't the kids.

I didn't get any relief until he died. Karma bit him in the ass. I don't mean to be cruel, but good luck (said ironically).
Ted

 

[Dgorila1]

You need to talk to an  attorney now to see what legal options and strategies you have to cover yourself! Your not listed on the birth certificates as the father of both kids, you have no joint assets or debts, and both her and the family don't want you around. Run, not walk, to a lawyer to get some clear legal advice and legal protection in order if needed.

 

[ZoNiE]

I found it was better to divorce my first wife when my son was about 4. We all were better off because of it. he is 22 now. Great kid. He lived with her, but I saw him 3-4 times a year and most of every summer for over a month at my place.
My folks hated each other and stayed together until the youngest, me, moved out at 18...
Not giving advice, this is just my outcome.

 

[ArtW]

Actually, as she earns more than you do, a FAIR judge would give you sole custody, and she would have to pay you child support, as earning 2x what you do, she would be the 'primary wage earner', which automagically makes you the 'primary care giver'
This has been happening more and more lately, when women kick their 'worthless men' who don't make enough money to make them happy to the curb in the family court system

Except your name isn't on the birth certificate
and you aren't married

In essence, you could walk away from this with no obligation or parental rights, which is probably what she wants, so she can find a man who isn't 'low class trash' to support her and the kids
Life is a series of trade offs, and it's hard to know how to advise you, but I would speak to an attorney for sure

And i wouldn't want my kids growing up seeing this mess
And I wouldn't live my life like that
So yeah, attorney time

 

[LMTLMT]

Even the nicest person have limits. If I was in your situation, I would make sure I have at the very least visiting rights and/or some sort of custody rights settled or agreed. and I would LEAVE her ASAP. If you choose to stay in, you'll be miserable and your kids will see you miserable. Not healthy!

Leave amicably and talk and explain to your kids when they are older. They'll understand unless the mother brainwash them and tell lies. But with you will be always around them, they can see for themselves how you are.

Best of everything bro.