Grief and the Impact on others.

[HalfShadows]

Decades ago I found myself afflicted with what I thought was an unsurmountable grief.
I carried this grief into various situations, most of which were dangerous.  I did not care about any outcome. On a road trip to Texas to see family,  Out of the blue I had a breakdown on the side of the road. The intensity was uncontrollable. It was like god him/herself intervened and lifted the grief almost fully. From that moment on I could see the beauty in the world once again.

Today I find myself burdened with the same grief.  But I am with full knowledge that it can be surmountable. I have trekked to Texas hoping for another episode of relief. I  have come to the conclusion that an episode of relief is not relative to geography.

Along the way I have had interactions with people, which were discomfoting to them to say the least. For those affected by my poor behavior I ask their forgiveness. For those poor interactons I take full ownership. Shame on me! I know now, that until I am me once again, I will have to limit my interactons with others.

Enjoy Life!

 

[WanderingRose]

I was just reading a novel, where the main character is about a year out from the death of her longtime partner.

She refers to grief as a “phantom limb”, and that really struck a chord with me.

It never really leaves us, does it, ever present and the filter everything else comes through.

Be what you are, when you are, try to be mindful and kind, hope that others will be so as well.

Come to Padre Island, lots of vandwellers and we small rigs camping right on the beach.

Good luck to you as you find your way.

 

[maki2]

Sudden episodes of stress such as a loved one dying can put your body chemistry out of whack. Before you try to analyze yourself and your life try something very simple and low cost. Go to the drug store and buy some a small bottle of chromium supplement. This is mother nature's miracle anti-depressant mineral. It helps regulate your blood sugar and is recommended by the American Diabetes foundation for that. It is also a precursor for making endorphins and all those other feel good things your brain needs for you to feel happy and content. Leading medical universities including John Hopkins and have done research on it and found it to be 80% effective at treating atypical depression. It is well worth a try. It can knock out the weepy blues overnight. If you are prone to the weepy blues with obsessive thinking about past events or mild chronic depression  you  might want to include this as a regular mineral supplement in your diet. It does not make you feel high, or weird or jittery, it won't keep you awake at night. It just makes you feel normal instead of draggy and blue and prone to being weepy. It can work its miracle literally overnight.


If you are a diabetic on medication then don't take it without consulting your doctor.

 

[Doubleone]

^^ +1 on the supplements but depends on health/meds so check w/ doctor first.  Ask your doctor if she can check your Thyroid and Vitamin D.  Many people are critically low on vitamin D and don't even realize it.  I was deathly low on D and it left me in a weird funk and with brain fog.  Here's what I've learned. Chromium is good for sugar regulation.  Basic Multi and a high potency Vitamin B complex for stress and energy.  Cal/Mag Citrate 2:1 with some Vitamin D affects a ton of other things (mood, cognition, appetite control, heart rhythm, muscle contractions/endurance, proper sleep cycle, low back stiffness, muscle soreness).  Healthy is happy...  

Seems like you've been dealing with some life stess. Sometimes we all can feel a little lost but I know you can find your happiness.  Look for the beauty in all things, and you will find it right there patiently waiting to be found.  If you've wronged people in the past, leave the past in the past and live an exemplary today and tomorrow.  Practice kindness and generosity toward others.  Be open to and recognize those opportunities to do something nice for someone... you'll know when and what to do in the moment.  Take care!

 

[ByeBye]

Finding a safe place/people to externalize the grief has always helped me more than supplements or drugs, although they can be helpful if research is done.

Participated in an "Anger, Grief and Shame" experiential workshop for men, almost 30 yrs ago, that REALLY opened my eyes to the value of making myself vulnerable to others.

 

[Dingfelder]

Honestly, outside of family or other already well-established positive relationships -- which still have limited day-to-day, hour-by-hour effects on a troubled heart -- I find a dog or cat the best comfort. And work the best distraction.

It's so hard to weather emotional storms, or persistent depression, unless you can get outside of yourself somehow. And left to our own devices, on our own initiative, many of us can't do it.

A pet can get you outside yourself in a very healing way, whether for a few moments, for an hour while you walk a dog and get some fresh air, or for hours on end, when they're sleeping next to you. They can remind you that it's not all about you or your pain.

But to forget about it completely, work, especially charity work, is a miracle. Simply being too busy to feel terrible is a great way to break the cycle of misery, where the more you think about it, the worse it gets and the more it seems to be the only thing in the world. Replacing misery with pure distraction is a simple way to strip it away. You don't mope much because you can't spare the time or mental space to do it in.

Doing charity work takes things one step further. If you replace lousy feeling with not just distraction but with feeling good and helpful and like a positive force in the world, you can actually feel refreshed at the end of those hours.

Either type of work will give you time to calm down and re-set your anxiety and misery levels to a more even keel, so that by the time you're back to contemplating your misery again, you're doing it from a more relaxed, realistic mental state. Simply noticing the difference from how miserable you were to how much less miserable you are a few hours later can be a huge relief in itself. Even if you know the misery is going to return, you're also aware that there are other ways to feel ... which a person can forget about entirely when really down. Depression is much easier to handle if you get a break once in a while so you can see it's not the only thing you'll ever feel.

A little break can put you on a positive trajectory in the long run, or just give you that shorter period of less tension. Either way, it's very rewarding to engineer your life so it has those breaks in unhappy routines. Good luck to you, and I hope you find something outside of yourself to break the cycle and help heal you.

 

[Firebuild]

A pet can get you outside yourself in a very healing way, whether for a few moments, for an hour while you walk a dog and get some fresh air, or for hours on end, when they're sleeping next to you.  They can remind you that it's not all about you or your pain.  

Doing charity work takes things one step further. If you replace lousy feeling with not just distraction but with feeling good and helpful and like a positive force in the world, you can actually feel refreshed at the end of those hours.

Yes to both of these. Many dogs have saved my life. When my husband left me years ago for a 19 year old I used to go to this minister I knew and explode all my sadness onto him. He would invariably say something like, "Wow, that sucks. Hey, a pipe broke downstairs in the shelter, wanna go mop that up?" I'd be pissed at him every time: how could he interrupt my grief with something so stupid? But once that mop was in my hand, relief would follow soon after.

 

[Beetle]

Hi. I am reading a book by Mark Manson. The subtitle is A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life. The title is The Subtle Art of ..... This is not a self help or step book. I recommended it to my friends.

 

[ByeBye]

In my world the best approach to grief is to go thru it, not around, over or under it. Grief is not something to be avoided. Everything ends, one way or another. Western, particularly American, civilization has lost touch with how to process grief.
Swiss psychiatrist[font=arial, sans-serif] [/font]Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, circa 1969, identified, in terminally ill patients, 5 stages of grief that seemed to be common among her patients. This later was identified, by many, as a natural process that occurs whenever we encounter any kind of grief in our life resulting from loss of anything important to us, whether the loss is with our consent or not. Of course, when it's NOT a loss that we choose, i.e. changing locations, disconnecting with toxic relationships, etc., then the process seems to be more impactful.

I can remember making a career move that required me leaving a situation in which I, and family, were firmly connected with. It was my choice but I still had a sense of loss, missing friends, etc. Doesn't compare with the death of a loved one but the process is still the same.

In my experience, when we choose to try to suppress or repress the emotions of the grief we get 'stuck' as the energy of the emotions remains in us like a coiled spring waiting to get triggered. Emotions are energy and energy can neither be created or destroyed...it never goes away. We may be able to bury it deep enough that we think it's gone but it's not. We have to compensate (cost) somehow for the luxury of not doing the grief work. May become isolated, less open, avoid people/places/things that may trigger the emotions and/or stuck in self pity. Imo, self pity is simply someone stuck in the grief process.

I haven't read every word of the thread but there are lots of good suggestions here to support the grief work but, imo, supplements, pets, service work are not the core of the work, they are adjuncts. 

There's a lot of stuff out there to help us if we can find the courage, and courage is needed, to go THRU the process. Grief is as normal a process as happiness, it just 'feels' unpleasant and our society desperately attempts to avoid anything unpleasant or anything that makes us look "weak" (talking primarily to the menfolk on the 'weak' part).

I've NEVER had a traumatic event, that I choose to face head on, that did not bring a wealth of serendipitous gifts at some point. 

These are just my views and not presented to be gospel/written in stone for anyone.

 

[Dingfelder]

I think pulling yourself out of yourself is the core of release from repetitive thinking. It hardly matters how you do it. But it's common, and normal, and something you should try to do if it afflict you.

From my experience, it afflicts everyone at some time or another. All the more so in grief. In grief from a significant loss, I pretty much never see it not showing up.

 

[Vantastic]

Great thread...one that speaks to me.  I came into this forum after my mother died and shared my story.  I would hope nobody experience what I did and still do.  The loss of a parent is hard enough, then to be rejected by your father and sister.  I went blank inside.  I made the huge mistake of giving up a career and moving in with my father after his invitation hoping, thinking things would be different (yes, even at 50 there is still the desire to connect with a parent like a child would desire).  The next years were the most stressful of my life.  My father just passed a month ago and I wasnt able to see him.

Try to get sympathy from friends, mostly male was another blow.  The message heard was never have emotions that cause you to feel pain.  If you do, you are screwed!  This only enhances more isolation.  Pretend.  If I dared open up people withdrew.  Message heard: You better have deep pockets or really good insurance to get some professional help.  So I dropped $17k out of pocket for a depression treatment program in TN and it was a disaster.  20 something kids running around, no supervision, no leadership...it was $1k a day for THIS?  Nightmare.

After my dad died the will favored my sister and she got all household belongings.  Any item my mother saved for 50 years for me was gone.  Report cards, baseball cards, coin collections...anything gone.  Like I was erased.

I feel cursed.  Just today I called a motel 6 to get a night away and when I asked for a room I stayed at the gal told me again the prices.  I then responded by asking again for the room I stayed at last visit and she hung up.  I tried calling and no answer, then a busy signal like my number was blocked.  Now repeat something like this over and over and you might feel cursed.  Even something simple that causes one to rely upon another ends in disappointment, unprofessionalism.  Western Dental screwed up two root canal appointments, both I made with specific dates and both times no endodontist in the office.  The manager told me after I complained I made her feel bad about herself and banned me.  I can't make this up!  

This stuff really can cause one to feel cursed, to withdraw from life.  This culture does not deal with grief well.  No wonder it is a drug culture, a culture of violence.  Only the strong shall survive.  

Those blessed with healthy relationships, a place to call home wont really appreciate this until it is taken or gone from them.  Those who do appreciate it are usually people others are drawn towards--givers, humble, thankful.

 

[maki2]

Decades ago I found myself afflicted with what I thought was an unsurmountable grief.
I carried this grief into various situations, most of which were dangerous.  I did not care about any outcome. On a road trip to Texas to see family,  Out of the blue I had a breakdown on the side of the road. The intensity was uncontrollable. It was like god him/herself intervened and lifted the grief almost fully. From that moment on I could see the beauty in the world once again.

Today I find myself burdened with the same grief.  But I am with full knowledge that it can be surmountable. I have trekked to Texas hoping for another episode of relief. I  have come to the conclusion that an episode of relief is not relative to geography.

Along the way I have had interactions with people, which were discomfoting to them to say the least. For those affected by my poor behavior I ask their forgiveness. For those poor interactons I take full ownership. Shame on me! I know now, that until I am me once again, I will have to limit my interactons with others.

Enjoy Life!

go to the vitamin section of the grocery or pharmacy and get some chromium. It will relieve those symptoms overnight. It is mother natures best natural anti depressant it chases the weepy blues right out the door. Not a drug, you will wake up feeling normal, not high, to woozy, just normal. It helps regulate your blood sugar and is a precursor for those good mood endorphines we all need to have a well functioning life of everyday contentment.

 

[Wabbit]

Great thread...

Hi Vantastic - love the username! Sounds like you have been thru the wringer, sorry to hear that. What helps me when I might be feeling a little sorry for myself, is to remember that I have\had it better than many others. Practicing gratitude is another way I keep my chin up. I haven't been thru it all, but I can check a lot of boxes on the list of shitty things in life. Feel free to PM me if you want to vent or chat about something. I do respond to all PMs, but there are times I might not be online for a day or two. If nothing else, just keep it in mind.