Finding out who your friends are

[mothercoder]

I won't even talk about family in this thread because they are blood and part of me no matter what.  But for the record they have been mostly supportive.

However, as people are beginning to see that I'm serious about making this change in my life...as they see my belongings getting sold...as I talk about a vehicle I'm looking at...I'm seeing who my friends really are. 

I don't have a bevy of friends.  I've always preferred to have just a few ones that I hold near and dear.  And that small number is dwindling.  They simply don't understand.  I am trying to be understanding.  If one of them had made this decision several years ago, it might have been me with the incredulous look on my face.  But I like to think I'd want to know more about it and gain an understanding of what they were doing.  I'd like to think that I wouldn't pretend to be supportive and then when something falls through say, "that looked dark and cramped anyway."  I'd like to think that I would try to do things to try and convince them not to pursue something that is clearly important to them.  I'd like to think that I wouldn't keep pounding my friend with statements like "how can you poop in a portable toilet" or "I'd never be able to live without a 'real' shower" or "you'll never meet a man out there" or "you're going too far 'the other way'" when I talk about preferring experiences and people over things. 

One friend even badgered me to meet a lonely divorcee.  She couched in terms of "I know you're leaving but he's lonely and even if you spent time together platonically, it would help him."  I still said "no, thanks - I'm just far too busy trying to downsize and once I find a van I'll have no free time because I'll need to be converting it.  It just wouldn't be fair to someone to do that."  And when I said that, the true purpose was revealed:  that maybe if I met someone I would "come to my senses" and abandon this crazy idea to be a nomad. 

Yeah, I'm finding out who my friends are.

 

[cyndi]

Don't write them off, yet.
Thet're probably afraid they're going to lose you.

Prove them wrong by keeping in touch. I send postcards. it's such a little thrill to get something other than a bill in the mail

 

[Queen]

It seems like people who can't put themselves in your shoes, or aren't willing to try to understand what you're doing, can only respond with fear and anger.

We have friends we've known for years who, when the conversation turned to comfortable retirement and our lack of, basically said "well you brought it on yourself, always gallivanting around while others stuck it out and worked like they're supposed to". Made me chuckle, and also changed my view of them, I enjoy hanging out with them, but they live a life based on fear, I would hate to be like that.

 

[Wabbit]

That really stinks for you and I send ya a supportive hug. You have to trust yourself and be understanding with them. I'm not going to say that humans are numskulls, but I might type it. The people that support you, support them. The ones that don't support you, start the disconnect process. At least for now, some people do change and do deserve another chance. Best of luck and just keep in mind you are now a road warrior! Road warriors don't even think about people who don't wish them the best.(that's prob not true but....pep talk!)

 

[BradKW]

I understand that you would really, really value and appreciate supportive encouragement from those you have close and/or long relationships with. But sometimes marching to the beat of your own drummer means you have to learn how to feel satisfied with your own choices even when others feel they aren't good ones.

But I don't think any of the examples you gave show that someone isn't a real friend. They may not be the friend you wish you had right at the moment, but it's also possible that you are working through some big changes internally, and might not be sharing anything more than the window dressing with those around you? Just a thought.

Soon you'll be making new friends with interests more in line with your lifestyle changes anyway

 

[Vagabound]

Aw, come now ... we've all seen the movie where the crazy one goes to do something that nobody understands. Get's a lot of ridicule and scorn. Becomes an outcast. And then some terrible tragedy happens, and this person turns out to be the smart one that saves the town. In the end, the townspeople see the error of their ways, everyone's in the local pub, slapping each other on the back and sharing a beer, smiles all around.

Well, yeah, it's the movies, but you can always hope.

Ditto comments so far, especially Brad's about learning to be comfortable or happy with your own choices regardless of what other people think. I know that's cold comfort when you want support from those around you, but it's thinking in the right direction.  Plus, we're hardwired herd animals who are innately afraid of change. And it's a rare quality to respond to something one doesn't understand with inquisitiveness rather than fear. If they were good friends before, maybe a little time and patience will do the trick.   Worst case, this will be a good filtering exercise.

Tom

 

[rvpopeye]

When you send them those postcards (or jpegs) be sure to write about what a great time you're having and how you wish you had begun sooner.
You might also throw in a bit about all the great new friends you make everywhere you go...........

Their response will tell the rest of the story. Then you can decide who your real friends are.

 

[DannyB1954]

It is a big big mistake to assume that others would react to a situation just as you would. It is probably just a big mistake to assume that you would react in a specific way to a hypothetical situation. Today I don't say OH I would never do such and such. I am likely to do it. That is how I got wife #3. After #2 I said never again!

Bottom line is all you can do is the best that you can do. And that same thing goes for others as well. So don't be angry or disappointed in them, they are doing their best.

 

[DuneElliot]

Sorry to hear that. I'm pretty lucky with family and friend support but I also left home when I was 18 with one bag of clothes and $70 in my pocket, moved to a new country and made a go of it. I've always worked seasonal jobs and had no home base (except for the past 5 years) and that's normal for me. That's been the story of half my life and everyone knows and accepts that about me at this point.

I truly hope your friends learn to accept it; if not, you'll meet some amazing people on the road.

 

[VanKitten]

I been living a nomad life for many years.

My friends were not very understanding at first. But, over time they came to understand...mostly. Every conversation still begins with "where are you?"

But, one incident was very telling. A friend had a patio she paid a lot to get installed...it was coming apart. I was explaining to her how this could be repaired with s bit of money a even more sweat. She exploded at me..."sure that's fine for you! But, I have to work for a living..I can't go on vacation for the rest of my life!" Whoa. So, she thought I was just a vagrant? Wow. Just shows that there really isn't a lot of people who actually understand this...just seeing the surface and trying to fit their own ideas into it.

Don't expect this to get better. Just try to roll with it. As the years go by, there is more acceptance.

 

[Cammalu]

[emoji3]. Who cares? Forget it! You are going to be having too much fun to think of that stuff here pretty quickly! Yay for you!!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[mothercoder]

I understand that you would really, really value and appreciate supportive encouragement from those you have close and/or long relationships with. But sometimes marching to the beat of your own drummer means you have to learn how to feel satisfied with your own choices even when others feel they aren't good ones.

But I don't think any of the examples you gave show that someone isn't a real friend. They may not be the friend you wish you had right at the moment, but it's also possible that you are working through some big changes internally, and might not be sharing anything more than the window dressing with those around you? Just a thought.

Soon you'll be making new friends with interests more in line with your lifestyle changes anyway  

To a point, you're right.  Although I believe am quite comfortable with the choices I am making, I am not giving everyone the full picture.  Maybe I held back because I didn't want their disapproval to affect my decisions.  So I gave it a lot of thought over the weekend.  This is absolutely, positively the right thing for me.  And although I didn't start broadcasting it, I shared more with those close to me.  For example, some thought I was going to be purchasing a motorhome and had no idea that I plan to convert a van.  I thought if I shared that information, I would get even more kick back.  Surprisingly, I didn't.  And I think the reason I didn't was because I was "wearing" my decision more comfortably.  I think when people know that you are sure of where you are headed, they have more faith in the decision.  And they all know I am not one to make decisions rashly.

 

[ArtW]

Some of what you're seeing as 'unsupportive' really sounds like 'protective' and a lot of it has to do with them trying to see themselves doing what you're doing, and being uncomfortable / horrified with the prospect
When I tell people about my childhood, their immediate reaction is 'oh how horrible' because of the negative aspects of a kid dealing with poverty, mental illness in a parent, and the violence i was subjected to living in various housing projects, but these same people always seem to think the way io deal with bad situations is borderline heroic or something
It's all about perspective and, in as lot of cases, projection

Some of them will genuinely will look down on you, those will be ditched
Almost everyone who does this goes through this, especially women, because people tend to want to overprotect women anyway

 

[jimindenver]

It is said the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. Were these not your friends they simple would not care or express any opinion at all.

 

[eDJ_]

Yes, and to be sure.....it hurts to lose friends. 

I've been losing most of my old High School friends to early death.  I can accept it as I understand the conditions of their demise.   But when folks see one of their own departing they know that they ARE still  alive and have a harder time coming to grips with it. 

But it's kind of like the lyrics to that kids Christmas Holiday song we hear each year....Frosty the Snowman....who bids the kids....."I'll be back again someday".

You could consider keeping a blog, a Pinterest Photo page of the places you are seeing in your journeys,  youtube videos aren't difficult to produce and the small cam-corders nowday's can be found for less than $50 dollars for a decent HD one.   You could SKYPE with your old friends and possibly have the Park or Scenic Area  to your back so that they could see where you are.  

You wouldn't be seen as leaving them for good this way and when you are back in your home area for awhile
you could visit,  host a party for all of them as a Picnic Reunion somewhere. 

Those who will be intrigued with your travels while still living at home will be the ones to reveal themselves to you as your true friends.


But this notion is part of why I started that thread in "matters of the Heart" in "Choosing to be single and on the road".

https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=14585