Do friends and family try to guilt you...

[graycurlsvanning]

Seems lately as I discuss the possibility of van life with friends and family, they have a way of trying to make me feel as though I am letting them down somehow or doing something that they think I couldn't handle. I am, by nature, a giver, so much of my life has revolved around doing for my friends and family, and the greater community. The fact that I might actually be doing something for myself seems to give folks pause. I understand part of it is that they may not have the time, courage, imagination or whatever it takes to try van life, so their sense of fear or trepidation makes them come down on my dream. Any thoughts or experiences?

 

[eDJ_]

Quite often it boils down to their losing a friend, especially if it is a close one. But as you point out....you have always been a giving/pleasing person putting yourself second to others. Now you are faced with a choice for some much needed/deserved "ME TIME".

What may be a dream for you may be a pain point for them. There may also be some notes of envy and for women who tend to have a closer circle of friends, peer pressure to conform may initiate. It's a bit different for guys in this.

You can always Facebook or keep a blog site or even use the "Captain's Log" here to have a journal for others read and experience your travels with you. Some will support you in this. But sometimes we need to keep our dreams a bit more to ourselves. This forum is a good place to share dreams with other like minded people..

 

[graycurlsvanning]

Yes, I agree. I do know it's about loss for sure. My best friend actually said she felt I was abandoning her. And a male friend said he was looking forward to our comradeship in the future and was disappointed. But the part that I find interesting and that I feel they neglect to see, is that they both have found or are looking for relationships. And I have come to learn over my 66 years, that even with the best intentions, once someone is in a relationship, the nature of friendships change. To plan the next part of my life around the hope that a few friends will center me in their lives is foolish and limiting. Yes, we can stay in touch, like we have while I have lived in Florida. I haven't been near any of my closest friends or family in 7 years. I see them rarely. In fact, maybe I will see them more when I am mobile!

 

[RoamerRV428]

I am letting them down somehow or doing something that they think I couldn't handle.

View attachment 33003

beautiful pic here of your lone tree in the sunset

you are letting them down cause you are trying to be you and they are putting all their BS life ON YOU and how you need to be........and do not listen. Do you in life. the stupid of others ON US is just insanity and a very normal path in this entire universe but if you realize your life is to be lived by one soul entity on this entire planet, you, then do you................and yes they will judge. yes they will criticize, call ya names for being an idiot to do this or that but what does any of that mean? squat!

do you as you wanna live out your life and you are never truly hurting anyone doing just that ya know...........dump the dumb from judgement of others on your life. Go forward as you need and yes it will change as you thrive and 'they come to terms' wtih your decisions and if not, who cares truly on that part?

best of luck, find you and thrive cause no one should ever hold you back.

 

[Sarah’s Travels]

I read this post, then had to take a minute and reflect on how to express my answer. I am lucky that my family supports me in my dream. But having said that it was not easy. I went from being an active mom and wife to struggling with a health issue. One where I had to depend heavily on others. When I first started talking about a dream of exploring via a van or a RV, my family panicked. So over a few months of general conversation and a few hell NO’s, I explained my mental health. I needed to accomplish something on my own. I needed to be able to re-enter the world as they new it. I let them know I wasn’t leaving the family, I was not going to “disappear”. But I needed to prove I was still able to care for and “do” for myself.

That’s when they started listening to me. So I suggest that you explain about how these last years of caring for another you lost yourself just a little. That the “Van life” is you trying to distance from family, your not going to leave the circle of love and family. Explain the Van or other vehicle you choose is a tool. Travel is expensive, but having your own space, your own bed and tiny kitchen will be a security for you. Hotels and motels are a drain on finance’s.

When you talk about the videos on YouTube don’t let then concentrate on the different people. Get them to concentrate on the information they are sharing. Like how much water, heating your vehicle, laundry etc. explain that YouTube is a tool like going to research something at a public library.

In doing this my husband and my son started seeing my vision more of long camping trips not escaping life in a poorly thought out plan.

I am on my first trip as I wright this, I speak to my family daily. They know where I plan to stop for the night or day, heck they even know what I am eating lol. And I am pleased to see that they are not as nervous or anxious as much. You know your family, but don’t get them all together at once. Start explaining with one, as you get more confident bring the others into your circle of support.

You can do this, one more thing, my son once said to me. I am not your enemy, I love you and want you safe. So I quit being so unbending and let them be part of the plan.

I have complete confidence that not only can you achieve your dreams but get your family to feel they are part of that dream!

 

[RvNaut]

One person I know thought I was a fool. His last message to me was he thought I had "made it"... I don't know about that, but I made it out here and am getting by.... his view for a while was "Bob is telling people they can live out in the wild and a lot of them end up destitute in the middle of nowhere" he had changed his mind by his end.... My relatives basically think I am off the rails.. not dealing with a full deck... we don't communicate... they live in worlds of their own making ( don't we all )

There can be some... fantasy ... about what this life is about. I camped with a couple of ill prepared people this summer that were out in their vehicles to "try it out"... both had homes to go back to, and both did so for varied reasons... so there are people out here that do and will have challenges... but most of those I have run into seem to have done some homework.

So yeah... there is a way of life in this country that focuses on gaining and preserving material things.. or rather just the act of acquiring a thing, looking for a new thing, choosing which of the new things.... it becomes critically important to have certain things... to be seen to have these things.... and of course this leads to jumping on the economic treadmill to support this need for things.... They also live in a world where personal achievements may be very important to their sense of self and well being... succeeding in business in some way is a common example. I see a country filled will people chasing a carrot held out in front of them by the powerful, and they have no clue what is happening, like a good horse should behave, blinded to their reality.

I say this as an older person that ran in the rat race for decades.... in the long run , it is all so empty and pointless... and therein come the point ( I just can't do short answers)

Many people are slaves to their existence.... without the blinders on they do not feel safe. They see a world without them as dangerous and extremely risky... it is why the horses have blinders... everything scares them...

It can indeed be scary out here, but that is mostly due to ignorance.... this is not an insult, but just a state of being.. we all can't know all, and how do we know what we have not experienced? I poured over posts and videos for 18+ months before setting out... and boy has that paid off.... the people that think we are nuts are just ignorant of who we are and what it is like to live out here... disconnected from the rat race...


(my situation is different than many as I have Social Security, I canot imagine attempting to do the 9-5 while being a nomad,, they are stout and disciplined folk that deserve the real respect... this is not a hard life if all you have to do is live.... if you also have to raise a chhild or hold a full time job... those are the heroes... )

 

[jacqueg]

I would assume they are simply worried about you and act accordingly. Whether they are genuinely worried or whether their worry is covering up for some kind of selfishness, it's the best tactic. Get them to express their fears and address those fears. For instance, the friend who is feeling abandoned can be reminded of all the ways that people can stay in touch with each other. Maybe even set up a schedule...

After 3 years, I am still close to the folks I've always been close to. Take photos and share them. Maybe set up a private blog? I think most blogging platforms allow for this.

(One far-flung family I know uses Slack to coordinate and keep in touch.)

 

[graycurlsvanning]

beautiful pic here of your lone tree in the sunset

you are letting them down cause you are trying to be you and they are putting all their BS life ON YOU and how you need to be........and do not listen. Do you in life. the stupid of others ON US is just insanity and a very normal path in this entire universe but if you realize your life is to be lived by one soul entity on this entire planet, you, then do you................and yes they will judge. yes they will criticize, call ya names for being an idiot to do this or that but what does any of that mean? squat!

do you as you wanna live out your life and you are never truly hurting anyone doing just that ya know...........dump the dumb from judgement of others on your life. Go forward as you need and yes it will change as you thrive and 'they come to terms' wtih your decisions and if not, who cares truly on that part?

best of luck, find you and thrive cause no one should ever hold you back.

Thanks for this long and thoughtful reply. I have always struggled with being a pleaser for sure. Waffling between that and telling folks that go to heck Then I have to deal with that guilt fairies as my mom calls them when I feel like I am letting someone down. I am never sure either if my good friends are simply saying 'we love you and would miss you' or 'we we rather you be around us because you do things that help us and make us feel good." I am less concerned about random people who may think I am crazy following my dream. Who cares?! But I do respect the opinion of those I love.

 

[eDJ_]

One of the inspirations for my Van life came as a young Industrial Design student. That was where I learned of a leading designer named Victor Papanek, whose poignant insights on how so many of us live today should be known by the nomads who prefer the more minimalist lifestyle. Advertising is ever present and persuades the choices so many make in our lives. Commercial designers are tied closely to advertising designers.

“Advertising design, in persuading people to buy things they don’t need, with money they don’t have, in order to impress others who don’t care, is probably the phoniest field in existence today.

Those of us who choose to live our lives on our own terms are designers unto ourselves. If we choose something quite different than our friends & family would condone we may be seen as radicals. But our lives are our own ecology containing our social networks and interactions. To this we all need to be responsible for our own destinies. To be a nomad is to be different than most and misunderstood by many.

Design, if it is to be ecologically responsible and socially responsive, must be revolutionary and radical.

 

[graycurlsvanning]

I have been a non meat eater for over 40 years, someone who has carried cloth bags to the grocery store long before it was fashionable, an organic farmer, composter, recycler and general rabble rouser since the 70s. I have annoyed folks around me for the sake of our mother earth since I was in my late teens. I have always loved nature, even as a city kid. Who knows why we get tuned into these things and what makes us care? But all i know is that now, our worst fears are all coming true. I have always known that I can't necessarily change the world by becoming famous, but I can do my part by being the best human I can be. Living as minimally as possible is one way. Now as a vegan is another. Being kind is a great way. For all the political issues on the table we fight about, to me, if we have no earth, will any of them really matter??
Thanks for the quote and your interest!

 

[BelgianPup]

Many people are intensely into CONTROL. They may not control their own lives very well, but they certainly want to control yours. They seem to think they know everything about everything, all the time, and under all circumstances. But they don't.

Make your decisions based on what is best for you.

 

[maki2]

The big question is why are you letting them guilt you? What might be happening is you are asking them what they think. Perhaps you are looking for reassurance as well as acceptance of your plan? All that does is open the door for criticism and it also makes you look as if you do not understand what you are doing. So then they are being supportive of your doubts instead of being supportive of your confidence. It all starts what you are saying to them and how you say it. It is not really about them. The first step is to quit asking what they think of your plans. Just do what is needed and then share the accomplishments.

 

[graycurlsvanning]

Indeed. Some of it too, I wonder, may be out of fear of loss. One person I confronted today about it told me this. Our history is long and complicated. I will always do what's best for me in the end, but I do wonder at the reactions of others close to me.

 

[graycurlsvanning]

The big question is why are you letting them guilt you? What might be happening is you are asking them what they think. Perhaps you are looking for reassurance as well as acceptance of your plan? All that does is open the door for criticism and it also makes you look as if you do not understand what you are doing. So then they are being supportive of your doubts instead of being supportive of your confidence. It all starts with what you say and how you say it. It is not really about them.

Interesting point. The one I am most concerned about is my best friend and I tell her everything. I didn't really ask her what she thought or expected her to accept it or not. Or necessarily be supportive. We allow each other to be completely honest. It's how someone says something I suppose. Her words were that she felt I was abandoning her. Our history is long and complicated. When we talked more about it, we settled it all and there were no hard feelings whatsoever. There are definitely folks that will for sure try to guilt me, who will disapprove or make me feel badly about it all. I guess it's case by case, eh?

 

[RoamerRV428]

Thanks for this long and thoughtful reply. I have always struggled with being a pleaser for sure. I am less concerned about random people who may think I am crazy following my dream. Who cares?! But I do respect the opinion of those I love.

yea I feel ya on wanting to please. but you should please on your terms ya know. as you wanna give and contribute and help others. there is contributing to happiness in others life and then there is bowing down to 'serve' others to keep them happy with you, ya know....not saying this is YOU ever LOL but saying there is a big diff. in helping and please another thru true life changing help and then just putting you down as you don't wanna do to please another just 'cause'. yea I did it too LOL I feel ya truly on this one.

but also respect comes both ways but most times we never ask for it back right? be nice to get some back without judgement on us? right? I learned to 'take' just that as I need it from others. Give me the respect and I give it back. Give me the big judgement and your life thrown on mine on how I should live it shows no respect for us as an idividual so???

yea tons of shades of gray on our lives for sure and all of us are super diff in our relationships but work 1 starts on you. Your life. Your forward movement. Your decisions. This life is you ya know and it can't be truly lived on another's terms cause if it does one wouldn't 'question' what do you do when others think 'we are oh so wrong' on how we wanna live and change our lifestyle' ya know


just thoughts and I say do you at all times. but it is tough alot of times to get thru the others judgement and projection of their lives and opinions on us to do just that. but ya know what, one who wants to live their life and do it their way FIND a way thru good conversations about real life and more truths and make it happen. Yea again, tough road if the road is blocked and detoured thru humans in the way but there is always a detour and we grow more thru tough conversations to 'just let me be me' when I need it and that point has to be just rammed thru sometimes to get 'their opinions on how one should' live off us in a way.

wishing you the best tho......we can be boxed in or we can live free more if we have truth conversations with others. But hey what goes down goes down in life and we just handle it as we must of course

 

[graycurlsvanning]

Said like a true prophet!! The road (literal and soulful) to self discovery is paved with all sorts of lessons. Some without, many within the complex brain of ours. Parsing through all the information, positive and negative, can be a monumental and exhausting task, but in the end had helped to lead me to more peace and contentment. Tuning out the voices of others in my head and the outside voices has been a learned task hard won! But ultimately has given me the freedom to let me listen to the quiet of my own thoughts and therefore make my own life choices from there.

 

[RoamerRV428]

Tuning out the voices of others in my head and the outside voices has been a learned task hard won! But ultimately has given me the freedom to let me listen to the quiet of my own thoughts and therefore make my own life choices from there.

Yup and great post n that we know it deep down and wanns act on it but voices so near and dear are hard to unlisten ya know but it boils donw to your time on the planet. what ya wanna do now? against all other voices??

it is a hard row to sow. Not a blip about that but it is OK to be you as you require and as much as other wanna block thru their opionion direction in life could be truly detering you form your 'true path forward' to be active life to suit and bring good onto others?

it is a masssively hard change in thinking but if you feel you need then ya gotta do it past the voice hounding you. Think lifeline and me and what will it take and we are all a work in progress no doubt but once you put you first all kinda great came outta that life and that is how I truly see it Life is never gauranteed longer so? again, just chat and thoughts as one might need it or not need it LOL

But it is a good chat to always start to find us in all the life BS that hits on us and you should shine thru at all times and you will!!

 

[graycurlsvanning]

Being a retired paramedic taught me oh so well that life is not guaranteed. I was also an assistant deputy medical examiner. I saw the end of life come suddenly come to so many, and even come to those who expected it because of age or illness. Few accepted or were ready for it. Most of us look back and think: shoulda, woulda, coulda. If I had only known and had a do over. It was always sad to see. All the trite sayings: a life well lived yada yada, but in the end, tis true!

 

[RoamerRV428]

Being a retired paramedic taught me oh so well that life is not guaranteed. I was also an assistant deputy medical examiner. I saw the end of life come suddenly come to so many, and even come to those who expected it because of age or illness. Few accepted or were ready for it. Most of us look back and think: shoulda, woulda, coulda. If I had only known and had a do over. It was always sad to see. All the trite sayings: a life well lived yada yada, but in the end, tis true!

don't look back now but HOLD onto all you learned thru the tragedy of others and what you want moving forward for you. It is OK truly cause YOU HELPED massively in the past and did what one could do against true life issues and to me that profession is to be appauded but it is truly OK to move forward for you. NOW THAT is how I WOULD have to fathom it all with a life of service to others but when is MY time? and if it hits ya now then it hits you now and IT IS fab ok to do just that

Your life is just as precious forward as what you gave of yourself in the past. Time to 'go on for you' and that is ALWAYS OK!!

 

[graycurlsvanning]

Thank you for saying this. I was honored to do my job. I saw folks at their very worst often at the worst moments in their lives. I am hoping to in some way to continue to do serve somehow on the road because it's just my nature, but I do agree, it's time for me too. These last 7 years of caring for mom have really drained it from me!!