Cutting The Strings

[MikesGonenoMAD]

This is going to be a hard post to write but I really have no one in my life that really understands why I  "Need" not want to be a Nomad. I have been trapped for 10 years as a Care Taker-Business Closing-Health Problems and assisting my Mom fulltime now that she moved closer. Mom and Dad are my only family I have a Brother but frankly, he is Dead to me! I know that sounds harsh but he and his Wife have treated my Mom and Dad Terribly to the point that their actions should have been reported to the authorities.

Since May when my Mom moved to a very nice Senior Complex to be closer to me and also out of Fear because of the actions of my Brother & Wife I have been suffocating I'm having anxiety attach-smoking again and gaining weight. I feel so guilty even taking a short trip if I'm lucky to find a caretaker I can trust, back in July I took a small trip every day my Mom would call "just to check in and remind me about all the dangers of traveling alone" Honestly my trip was ruined I came back 2 days early because of the Guilt I was feeling.

I'm planning on being fulltime next Spring the Social Workers at the center my Dad attends feels that even tho He has done great these last 10 years always fighting back after his setbacks but always losing some of his memory & functions it is time to be placed in a safer environment where he would get 24hr care. I begged her for a few more months even though He doesn't know who I am but does remember my Brother (go figure) we still get along great and I try to make his life comfortable, unfortunately, he is losing control of his bodily functions and it's harder to keep him clean.

I need advice on how to get Mom to respect and trust the choices I've made for my life. I plan on being in my area(Massachusetts) at least 8 months of the year and except January will always be a days drive away. I feel like I'm being selfish my Mom is still able to drive and take care of herself and if she ever got sick I would be there in a heartbeat when I mention my plans she either ignores me or pesters me with questions that can't be answered like what if.....happened?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and has any advice?

Thanks for reading
Peace & Blessings
MikesGonenoMAD

 

[John61CT]

Yes.

But you can't change how she feels or tries to use emotional blackmail to control your life.

Just do what you want. Tell her - lovingly - if she wants to keep a strong relationship with you she has to keep those sorts of thoughts to herself.

If she escalates or continues, then be less available for a while.

You are an adult and she needs to learn to respect that.

Of course she may disown or disinherit you, we make our choices and live with the consequences.

 

[travelaround]

I'd have a heart to heart talk with her about what's bothering you. Place limits on her calls. Once weekly is sufficient. I'm a mom to adult children and wouldn't impose on them like that. I do have a truck driving son who calls me almost every day but that is his choice and I'm always there for him because I know the truck driving gets tedious for him and he needs people to talk to.

Anyhow, I'd tell her to call no more than once weekly, and that she should never again mention dangers of traveling alone. If she can't stick with that agreement, turn off your phone. Get another one to use in emergencies... and turn on the original one only once a week. Call your mom then, and turn it off again. Have a happy life on the road. You need your space.

 

[Almost There]

It's not so much cutting the strings as limiting how tightly they bind! Differerent perspective perhaps!!

Keep in mind the emergency policy on an airplane...in case of emergency put your own oxygen mask on first before helping those around you! This needs to be applied to daily life as a caretaker as well.

Selfish has gotten a really bad rap - being selfish is actually nothing more than taking care of yourself first - you owe it to yourself to be selfish in the original sense of the word before it got corrupted!

I also had to have a serious talk with Mom about 'fear' - she was fearful of everything - me driving alone, visiting strange places alone, etc. etc. ad nauseum. After all, I was an 'older' woman travelling alone...sheesh...safer than when I was younger and foolish... The fears of the elderly have very little to do with reality, please don't allow HER fears to rule your life.

I fully understand the dilemma - I was primary caretaker for my mom for almost a decade. She lived in her own apartment except for the last 9 months but she should have been in a care facility for most all of that decade. I finally had to untie the strings - I made arrangements for paid help to do all the things I was doing for free. I supplied my phone number for her to call and told her I'd see her in the spring (and I wasn't afraid to let it go to voice mail)- it was several years past MY retirement age and I wasn't going to postpone retirement and my chosen lifestyle any longer. She did just fine with the paid help - better in fact, because they weren't nagging her to look after herself better. She finally fell and the doctors refused to allow her to live independently any more because they could see that she wasn't taking care of herself properly but it took a team of doctors to finally get her to do what was in her own best interest. Your dad needs to be in a care facility from the sounds of it! Visiting him will hopefully take up a lot of her time and give her something to do other than try to interfere with your life!

 

[RoamerRV428]

Selfish has gotten a bad rap just like Almost There said. Selfish is taking care of yourself and it must happen or you can fall into a true depressed state.

Your Dad probably needs a care facility.

Your mom needs limits now. Parents set limits for kids thru all the years they raise them, it is reverse time. It is NOW time to set the limits you require from your mom. Heart to heart talk, AND you are NOT asking her, you are telling her A parent never asks a kid to please follow a rule if they choose LOL so it is time to tell your mom what is required in your life and you are setting those rules in stone. Then you have to apply it. Go on a trip and if a phone call from her comes in that is annoying, you don't answer any more calls from her until you want to call her on your own time. She can leave a voice mail if something happens that needs attention from you.

Time to grow up.
It is very hard cause I am doing some caretaking for my mom who will be 91 soon, doing very well, walking and shopping and on no meds and living at home. I enjoy doing everything I can for her to stay in that home she loves and I put myself to make it happen for her because I want it this way, but if anything changes where she must be in full care etc, whether she wants it or not it will happen. I know my limits. She will have to respect them also if it ever comes down to us having to deal with those issues.


Best of luck to you!~!

 

[Smitty716]

Mike
I lost my Dad on December 9 2011 , he had suffered with altimers (prolly spelled wrong )
For years the last 3 years I moved in to help my mom with him. We kept him home as long as we could but I had lung issues so it got to where I couldn’t pick him up anymore when he fell . So we put him in a home for his own good . One week later he was gone . So after a bit I moved out and now I’m back taking care of my mom. I got two brothers, one lives right across the street and won’t help, he says we had a bad childhood. We had it good compared to most . My other brother lives in Florida , I told them I love my mother but in November I’m leaving so it’s one of there turn. My Mom is 76 and starting to go down hill , And since I bought my motor home and started planning full timing she’s been playing guilt trips on me . Just yesterday she said in a whimpering voice, when ever you feel like it just get in that thing and leave , I’ll be ok . So I know exactly what your going threw. My brothers finally realize I’m serious and are figuring out what there going to do. I really hope things get better for you and you get some stress relief.

 

[Beeps and eats]

I can only reply based on what I believe.
My parents raised me to be self sufficient and caring at the same time. And when I took the "leap" sure they had concerns but once they realized I could be contacted any time and hop a flight if needed they soon became more relaxed. After a couple of months it turned into, " send more photos!. And could you go where we went on vacation..we had a 36' Avco motor home...And let us see what it looks like now". So it turns out that me traveling is actually helping them keep vibrant and waking up memories from decades ago.
The best advice I can offer is go and do what you need to do. If the road is calling go. If you feel like you need to be there, stay. A person can't live on both sides of the line. You have to be comfortable with your choices. I took my folks for a weekend out in the van. Although I stayed at a state park and close to the facilities.
They had a great time and realized that I have almost all the conveniences the motor home had. And I was able to get them to understand that the cost of traveling in my van is less than a third of the old motor home. And I could go places that it never could. By Sunday we were talking about some of the sights we missed because of restrictions and I was telling them that I was going to visit those places because I have wondered all these years what we missed. And like I said, the first few months the biggest concern was that I was traveling alone and "What if" kept being a topic. But after the week's turned into months it changed to "Where next!" That's how I handled the situation and I can say now that I'm glad that I did it.
We now have great conversations and they learned to Skype! Instead of trying to make conversation we don't shut up! It's like ten years have been erased and they are younger again.
"We can't say what the road ahead has in store for us, But I can say for certain that it holds nothing if you are not on it."
I wrote this on side of my kitchen cabinet.
It's a reminder that we can plan forever and accomplish nothing or we can venture out and embrace the unknown.
Planning always leave's questions, Doing always gives answers. I opt for the later.
Beeps.

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

 

[ByeBye]

I was primary overseer and, later, caretaker for my mom who passed on 3 yrs ago with dementia being a huge factor. The last year of her life I was 24/7 caregiver. I had made a deathbed promise to my dad to "take care of my mother". Coming from a guilt based religious background this had me 'guilted in' deeply.

Bottom line is we either detach from the opinions of others or we don't. If we don't, we're the ones whose actions are hurting the situation not the ones that we want to 'wish us well' and don't, either because they don't know how or don't want to.

What helped me was to look at MY fear and see what belief it was based on and either change that belief or learn to live it.

Your mom may be at the stage where internal change is limited and it'll be up to you to do what is best for you in the most loving, but not placating, way you know how. A way that is just as loving to you as to her. Then you'll know you've done the best for the "greater good for the greater number' that you can. Your life experience quality is just as valuable as anyone else's.

My heart is with you, family heartstrings are really tough sometimes.

 

[RoamerRV428]

great post Beeps and eats.

MaTaLa, I like that detach from other's opinions. We have done that on many levels and the freedom of doing for us without the mind clutter from others is very freeing indeed! good advice!

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

Yes.

But you can't change how she feels or tries to use emotional blackmail to control your life.

Just do what you want. Tell her - lovingly - if she wants to keep a strong relationship with you she has to keep those sorts of thoughts to herself.

If she escalates or continues, then be less available for a while.

You are an adult and she needs to learn to respect that.

Of course she may disown or disinherit you, we make our choices and live with the consequenTh

John61CT
Thanks for your advice I'm hoping she will get more involved with activities in her community and make friends. I plan (scratch that)  will be on hitting the road in April which will allow me to be in the local area to start and maybe she will adjust

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

"Coming from a guilt based religious background this had me 'guilted in' deeply."

"Honour thy father and thy mother" 4 or 5th commandment Oh how well I know that one! I hope I didn't break any rules I'm only using as an example not preaching or anything!
Peace 

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

Yes.

"But you can't change how she feels or tries to use emotional blackmail to control your life."

thanks John61CT its true I think my brother and His Wife's actions have hurt her so much that she is terrified of losing me. I'm going to talk to her about assisted living she has the proceeds from the sale of her home that should supplement her. She's so Proud to have been in a situation that she could help her kids when she passes, however as much as I would appreciate the $$$ I want a few years to live life my way I would never desert her but the stress is taking a toll on my health. Thanks for the comment

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

I'd have a heart to heart talk with her about what's bothering you. Place limits on her calls. Once weekly is sufficient. I'm a mom to adult children and wouldn't impose on them like that. I do have a truck driving son who calls me almost every day but that is his choice and I'm always there for him because I know the truck driving gets tedious for him and he needs people to talk to.

Anyhow, I'd tell her to call no more than once weekly, and that she should never again mention dangers of traveling alone. If she can't stick with that agreement, turn off your phone. Get another one to use in emergencies... and turn on the original one only once a week. Call your mom then, and turn it off again. Have a happy life on the road. You need your space.

travelaround
 I'm looking into assisted living homes in the area she's from. I think deep down she resents that she had to leave the City she's lived in for 60 years because she had to move so fast from my brothers. I'm hoping she will see the benefit of me living mobile in that I can visit often and still enjoy my life I'm 60 years old at Selfish or not it is My Time! Thanks for your Comment!
Peace & Blessings
Mike

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

Thanks Everyone for the Comments and suggestions each one of you have been a big help to me and my situation I feel there are alot of folks in my situation and your ideas will be a help to many!
I will keep you updated on my progress!
Peace & Blessings!
MikesGonenoMAD

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

  "We can't say what the road ahead has in store for us, But I can say for certain that it holds nothing if you are not on it."
I wrote this on side of my kitchen cabinet.
It's a reminder that we can plan forever and accomplish nothing or we can venture out and embrace the unknown.
 Planning always leave's questions, Doing always gives answers. I opt for the later.
Beeps.

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

I'm going to "Borrow some of your Quates I really appreciate your comments!

 

[Beeps and eats]

They are out there for everyone. I just say in a few simple words what took years to finally figure out.

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

 

[Beeps and eats]

Could be I'm a little slower than most, But I can recall all things I've seen along the way.

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

What helped me was to look at MY fear and see what belief it was based on and either change that belief or learn to live it.

Your mom may be at the stage where internal change is limited and it'll be up to you to do what is best for you in the most loving, but not placating, way you know how. A way that is just as loving to you as to her. Then you'll know you've done the best for the "greater good for the greater number' that you can. Your life experience quality is just as valuable as anyone else's.

My heart is with you, family heartstrings are really tough sometimes.

MaTaLa Thanks for your comment and advice it's so true that "Guilt" is a powerful tool that sometimes is used by Family even if they don't recognize they are. I feel so sad that my Mom who overcame a lot in life is spending Her last years in Fear. I'm working on a plan that will allow to to slowly ease into a Nomad life and also allow her to be safe and hopefully enjoy Her Life as I intend to do. 
Thanks

 

[MikesGonenoMAD]

Mike
I lost my Dad on December 9 2011 , he had suffered with altimers (prolly spelled wrong )
For years the last 3 years I moved in to help my mom with him. We kept him home as long as we could but I had lung issues so it got to where I couldn’t pick him up anymore when he fell . So we put him in a home for his own good . One week later he was gone . So after a bit I moved out and now I’m back taking care of my mom. I got two brothers, one lives right across the street and won’t help, he says we had a bad childhood. We had it good compared to most . My other brother lives in Florida , I told them I love my mother but in November I’m leaving so it’s one of there turn. My Mom is 76 and starting to go down hill , And since I bought my motor home and started planning full timing she’s been playing guilt trips on me . Just yesterday she said in a whimpering voice, when ever you feel like it just get in that thing and leave , I’ll be ok . So I know exactly what your going threw. My brothers finally realize I’m serious and are figuring out what there going to do. I really hope things get better for you and you get some stress relief.

Smitty, Alzhiemers is a hard way to lose a loved one in my case it has been a long slow decline for my Dad as his caregiver for 10 years my entire life has changed and while I feel Blessed that I could be there for Him it has been a struggle and now with the addition of caring for Mom I'm at my Wittsend. Last week I told her I will be starting out parttime I will arrange for my Son to look-in 2-3 times a week and do shopping or give her a ride etc; He also is moving in and will be caring for Dad 3 weeks a month, I will be paying him and while my budget is tight it will work! Mom still isn't too happy and is giving me digs but I'm not backing down! I also plan to start Nomad around Thanksgiven I wish you well on your journey you must be excited I know I am!

 

[ByeBye]

Yay!! You go, Mike!! You're a good man.